Category: politics

President W. Bush said he was happy with his Tax address to Congress, saying
it was “to the point” as planned. What does Bush credit his terse delivery to?
His careful selection of the most appropriate malapropisms.

What is Bill Clinton’s Second favorite movie?

“Octopussy”

12. “Let’s speed this up–who *haven’t* you nailed?”

11. “Aha! So you admit you’ve had sex!!!! What’s it like? Is it fun?”

10. “And the situation in Bosnia didn’t distract you from the booty call?”

9. “Can I have some of those fries?”

8. “Do you admit my getting Dan Rather to talk about your semen was pretty cool?”

7. “Would you *please* stop winking at the court reporter?!”

6. “Mr. President, how does it feel to be on the receiving end of a probe for a change?”

5. “Would you, could you in a boat? Have you, did you with a goat?”

4. “Okay, exhibit 25-A is yet *ANOTHER* ink blot. Now, does THIS one remind you of anything besides a beret?”

3. “Is it just my imagination, or are all of the women you know butt-ugly?”

2. “Are you now, or have you ever been, in a non-erect state?”

1. “Mr. President, did you bring any pants with you?”

Bill Clinton has been mistakenly characterized as a “yes man” when he is really a “yes ma’am.”

As the Democratic Party hones its campaign strategy for
next year’s election, it might look to Austin, Texas, where
Democrats are facing off against Republicans using a
strategy experts have dubbed “running like hell.”

Fifty-three legislators from the Texas House of
Representatives bolted for the Oklahoma state line to
prevent a vote that would redraw voting districts to favor
the Republican House Majority.

Speaker of the house Tom Craddick broke the news,
saying, “we have found 40-plus members located in Ardmore,
Oklahoma, they are staying at the Holiday Inn, at the
present time, five minutes ago they were having dinner at
Denny’s, for those of you who might be interested in that.”
Divisions in the Democratic ranks appeared at Denny’s,
where representatives were deadlocked over the issue of
whether or not the “Moons Over My Hammy” is delicious.

VIOLENT DRILL TEAM

A nationwide bio-terrorism drill was kicked off in Seattle
last week, as a mock explosion of a dirty bomb tested the
preparedness of firefighters, police, and other emergency
workers.

The Seattle drill is said to have run smoothly until news
of the wartime re-enactment reached a group of nearby Civil
War buffs, who excitedly set up a basecamp and attempted to
saw off victims’ legs.

According to Seattle mayor Greg Nickels, such an event is
crucial to national security because, quote, “homeland
security really begins at home.” Nickels is actually
speaking literally. Homeland security really does begin at
his home as Tom Ridge is crashing on his couch for a couple
of days.

BLAIRLY LEGAL

The New York Times recently printed an exhaustive front-
page story flagellating itself for the deceptions of a
Times reporter, Jayson Blair, while also providing the
first evidence we’ve seen in years that newspapers have any
sense of shame.

Blair was discovered to have falsified and plagiarized
dozens of stories for the Times. One glaring example of
Blair’s deception were his vivid bedside descriptions of
wounded Marines at the Bethesda Naval Medical Center. The
hitch is, he was never there but interviewed them by phone.
This fact should have been more apparent when he relied on
one heavily sedated Marine’s description of the other as “a
quiet purple centaur with TV coming from his mouth.”

Expense reports show Blair was at home in Brooklyn when he
was supposed to be in Maryland covering the sniper story.
One embarrassingly false report that made the front page of
the Times was titled, “Boy, There Sure is a Lot of Sniping
Going on Here Where I Am. Maryland That is… Where I Am at
Presently. Dang. Look Around at Maryland.”

15> Used the words “British” and “cuisine” in the same sentence.

14> Appears in a Paris Hilton video (the one in which he’s in a compromising position with a male royal servant at the Paris Hilton).

13> Was caught corking his polo mallet.

12> Practices wearing his mother’s lime green dress with matching handbag, hat and shoes for the day he’ll officially be queen.

11> Has been hiding Saddam’s WMDs behind his ears all this time.

10> Returned a rented Trans Am with a ding in the bumper, less than half a tank of gas and suspicious stains on the rear upholstery.

9> Illegally picked up pirated cable stations with his satellite-dish ears.

8> Document discovered at Roswell details how the elongated fingers were shortened, the oversized cranium was shrunk and the big, black eyes were narrowed, but nobody remembered to fix the ears.

7> Two words: naked cricket.

6> Because he once painted raunchy nudes of Camilla, he now wants to be referred to as “the Prince Formerly Known as Artist.”

5> Caught humping the wax figure of Margaret Thatcher in Madame Tussaud’s.

4> One night, after too many glasses of port, he was caught carousing in Piccadilly and asking young women if they’d like to see “Buckingham Phallus.”

3> Had a romantic liaison with someone to which he was not in any way related.

2> He and his droogies indulged in a bit of the old “in/out” while wearing masky-waskies and listening to Ludwig Van.

1> In a secret ceremony, he knighted beefeaters Timothy and Christopher, then demoted himself to rear admiral.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Why did Monica Lewinsky accept an offer to work on the White House staff?

She didn’t know what “staff” they really meant.

“They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist….”
-The last words of General John Sedgwick,
at the Battle of Spotsylvania, 1864

Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy?

He didn’t want to walk around the White House saying “Cum… Spot “, Cum….Spot!!!!

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?A: He doesn’t! He whines a while, says “I feel your pain”, and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

The Clinton Administration: Stupid is as stupid does.

Impeach Clinton!And her husband, too!