Category: politics

If the opposite of “pro” is “con”,
then the opposite of “progress” is “congress”.

Sung to the tune of “Day-O” (The Banana Boat Song)

Day-O…oh Day-O,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Run Mr Taliban, we know where you’re hiding,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Hey USA, USA, USA…
Air force come and they flatten you home
60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Old Uncle Sam’s pissed, he ain’t no quitter,
Air force come and they flatten your home
When we finish you all be crying,
Air force come and they flatten your home,
Pilot is brother of New York fireman
Air force come and they flatten your home

“I never give my opinion on political matters, but before we bomb Iraq, let’s
wait two weeks until Geraldo is over there.”
– Craig Kilborn
***
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
The Lord’s Prayer: 66 words
Archimedes’ Principle: 67 words
The 10 Commandments: 179 words
The Gettysburg address: 286 words
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
The US Government Regulations on the Sale of Cabbage: 26,911 words
***

Bill and Monica are in the Whitehouse when Bill invites Monica into the Oval office because he wants to show her a clock. While in the office Clinton pulls down his pants and whips out his unit.
Monica gasps, Mr. Clinton that’s not a clock, it’s a cock!

Bill replies, well Monica if you put 2 hands and a face on it, it’s a clock.

When Chelsea Clinton was young she walked in on her mom getting out of the
shower. Pointing to her chest she asked her “What are those?”

Hiliary’s response was “Oh honey, those are my breasts.”

Chelsea asked “Will I get breasts?”

“Yes, when you’re older.” said Hillary.

A day or two later Chelsea walked in on her dad getting out of the shower.
Pointing towards his penis, she asked “What’s that?”

Bill responded “Oh honey, that’s my penis.”

Chelsea asked “Will I get a penis?”

Bill responded, “Yes, when your mother leaves.”

George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white robe and holding a staff. He walked up to the man, who was staring at the ceiling, and “Excuse me sir, aren’t you Moses?”

The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling, saying nothing. Again, George W. asked, a little louder this time, “Excuse me sir, aren’t you Moses?” Again, the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying a word. George W. tried a third time, louder yet. “Excuse me sir, aren’t you Moses?” Again, no movement or words from the old man. He continued to stare at the ceiling.

One of George W’s aides asked him if there was a problem, and George W. said, “Either this man is deaf or extremely rude. I have asked him three times if he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet.” To which the man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied to the aide, “I can hear him and yes, I am Moses, but the last time I spoke to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness.”

During a political debate the politicians were asked to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
The first one, a democrat, came up with an answer right away. He said, “One of my hobbies is painting, and no matter if I paint with water colors, or oils I always fascinate people with my work.”

The second politician, the republican, said “My grandfather was a magician, and when ever he performed a trick be it with cards, or hoops, or magic balls he would always fascinate us.”

The third politician, an independent, said “I don’t know if I can do that.”

The MC of the debate said, “Go ahead take a couple of minutes then give it your best.”

The third politician thought for a while then said, “I know this gal, one time she went to the store to buy a new blouse. The blouse had ten buttons on it, but when she went to button it her boobs were so big that she could only fasten eight.”

A kid goes to his dad and asks, “Dad, what are politics?”
His dad replies, ” Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am
capitalism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The
government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby
brother will be the future, and the Nanny is the working class. Now think about
that.”

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his
diaper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the
bed. He didn’t want to wake her, so he went to the Nanny. The door was locked.
He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the Nanny. He went back to
bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, “Dad I know what you mean
now.”

“You do? Tell me.”

“OK, while Capitalism is screwing the Working class, the Government is sound
asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!”

Written by a Viet Nam Vet
GOD BLESS AMERICA!

“In Memory of The Twin Towers”

Warning song to Osama bin Laden
(the tune of Rawhide)

The devil came from nowhere
He attacked us from the sky.

He bloodied up our nation
didn’t give a reason why.

Now he’s placed a spear in our eye
said its done it Allahs name

So God’s coming lookin for him
And he’s got himself to blame.

No more runnin, no more hiding, there’s no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn’t movin slow.

You defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

Just go hidin in your hills
You’ll be buried in your caves.

You’ll get what you’ve got comin now
For being Satans slaves.

You’ve woke the sleeping giant
From his legendary sleep

Now with open roar like lions
There’s one promise he will keep

No more runnin, no more hiding, there’s no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn’t movin slow.

You’ve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

So don’t close your eyes a moment
Cause you surely see death there.

Don’t waste your time in moanin
You just haven’t got a prayer.

You chose to terrify the world
with your sensely killing spree

Brought violence into our lives
Placed hate inside of me.

No more runnin, no more hiding, there’s no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn’t movin slow.

You’ve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

In this peaceful loving Nation
Home of brave and of the free

All are calling up your number
over land and over sea

We have seen the vileness in your soul
the horrors you create

Now this angry nations coming
look around we’re at your gate

No more runnin, no more hiding, there’s no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn’t movin slow.

You’ve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

Yes this world is coming for you now (Pause) with everything its got.

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, “Noah, in six months I am going to make it
rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are
destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing
on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.” And, in a flash of lightning,
he delivered the specifications for the ark.
“Okay,” Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, “I’m
your man.”
“Six months and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You better have my
ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!”
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in
torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and
there was no ark.
“Noah!” shouted the Lord, “where is my ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the
ground right beside Noah.
“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best, but there were some
problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark’s construction, but
your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the
plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a
fire-sprinkler system.
“My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning board.
“Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was
a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood
to save the owls, but they wouldn’t let me catch them, so no owls.
“Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights
group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.
“Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn’t
complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
“Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent
them a globe!
“Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal
Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I’m supposed to hire.
“The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the
country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax.
Really, I don’t think I can finish the ark in less than five years.”
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you are not going to
destroy the world?” he asked hopefully.
“No,” said the Lord, “the government already has.”

Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?A: Runs away from the draft.

A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all

crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They

were all shouting. “Give me your hand!” but the man would not reach up.

Mulla Nasrudin elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.

“Friend,” he asked, “what is your profession?” “

“I am an income tax inspector,” gasped the man.

“In that case,” said Nasrudin, “take my hand!”

The man immediately grasped the Mulla’s hand and was hauled to safety.

Nasrudin turned to the amazed by-standers. “Never ask a tax man to *give*

you anything, you fools.”