One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, “My son’s choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!”A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy’s gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.”Thank you! Thank you!” the father cried. “Are you a paramedic?””No,” replied the man. “I work for the IRS.”
Category: politics
You might be a liberal if …
You might be a liberal if:
* You’ve ever left your sociology class thinking, “That professor really
knows what he/she/it is talking about.”
* You associate the words “model American” with “Bill Clinton”
* You think Dan Rather represents media impartiality
* Your response to anything Rush Limbaugh says is, “Well, he’s fat.”
* The first word in the description of your hair color is “neon”
* You’ve ever tried to protect the ozone layer
* You’ve stood for animal rights, but wear leather belts and sandals
* You’ve ever given a dollar to a bum so he can buy more liquor … ummm
… food
* You ever use the words “Clarence Thomas” and “Uncle Tom” in the same
sentence * you are a vegan
* You have a bumper sticker that says “You Can’t Hug With Nuclear Arms” on
your car
* You believe diversity represents the extinction of the white race
* You’ve ever walked around carrying one of those Javahhh mugs
* You pay a 185 percent markup for organically grown food
* You cheered for “Obstructing Justice Simpson” last Tuesday at 1 p.m.
* You don’t think it’s right to kill rapists and murderers, but do think
it’s right to kill babies
* You have anything to do with the Compassionate Living Fair
* You want more funding for AIDS research but less for cancer, despite the
fact that cancer kills many more people per year
* You have the entire menu at Cup-A-Joe memorized
* You consider yourself open-minded but refuse to listen to anything Jesse
Helms has to say
* You abhor censorship unless it’s censoring race, religion, Conservatism,
Western culture or Rush Limbaugh
* You found yourself unemployed after this past November’s election
* You’re a dope smoker or a womanizer … oh, sorry, that’s “You might be
a Clinton cabinet official if …”
* You’re the dolt who stole the “Helms ’96” bumper sticker from my car
* You think the phrase, “… separation of church and state” is in the
Constitution
* You cry, “You can’t legislate morality,” but defend the Roe v. Wade
decision in order to legalize your moral position on abortion
* You stay informed by watching MTV News
* You have an “I’m Straight But Not Narrow” button pinned to your book bag
* There is a ring in any part of your head other than your ears
* You think religion is bad for school kids to learn, but think condom
giveaways are just what schools need
* You molest campaign workers, then lie about it on national television
… oops, my mistake again, that’s “You might be Mel Reynolds if …”
* You think Jesse Jackson is a good spokesman for the black community
* You think Jesse Jackson is good at anything
* You lie in bed at night worried that Pat Robertson might be out to get
you
* You attribute the rising illegitimacy rate, crime rate or problems in
the inner city to Ronald Reagan
* You’ve ever held up a grocery store line trying to pick between plastic,
which isn’t biodegradable, or paper, which cuts down innocent trees
* You think the National Organization for Women is made up of average
heterosexual women with no lesbian agenda
* You’re on the committee to construct the Gay Jewish Women’s Cultural
Center — there’s a slight chance you’re a liberal
* You blame Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but not the spend-happy
“Democrooks” for the huge national debt
* Banning assault weapons is your solution to end crime (what do you mean
punish the criminals?)
* You tell me how to live by telling me I can’t tell people how to live
The bad news is that the government is predicting…
The bad news is that the government is predicting a big recession.
The good news is that the government hasn’t been right yet.
An honest politician is one who, when bought,…
An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.
-Robert Heinlen
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called?A: The whine cellar.
The Top 14 Things Overheard in Seattle This Week
14> “Send a message to those capitalist bastards! Come to Two-for-One Day at Stan’s Brick Emporium!”
13> “I don’t really give a crap — I’m just warming up for the New Year’s Day Y2K riots.”
12> “Citizens! Disperse and go home, or Brother Gates will be angry!”
11> “The Brown & Williamson IPO is bad, people. Do NOT invest in the Brown & Williamson IPO.”
10> “Gap is crap! Gap is crap! Gap is… Hey, cool chinos!”
9> “I was speaking figuratively when I said the WTO should go ‘where the sun don’t shine.'”
8> “Launch the chalupa!”
7> “No, Governor Bush, Stone Cold Steve Austin is not the head of the WTO. Guess again.”
6> “You got tear gas in my mocha latte!”
“You got mocha latte in my tear gas!”
5> “I haven’t seen this many badly dressed people since Courtney Love’s wedding.”
4> “I’m sorry Mr. Clinton, but the WTO rejects your proposal to ‘trade saliva with that Chinese girl’.”
3> “Ken Griffey sucks! Ken Griffey sucks! Ken Grif– AAAAGGGHH, MY EYES!!!”
2> “Attention, consumers: Put down your weapons NOW — and visit the fantastic 12-hour curfew sale going on at Old Navy!”
1> “Mr. Hoffa, we’re prepared to negotiate. Could you meet us at the Kingdome, say, around 2am?”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]Clinton and the Pope
After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference and
announced that they had a very successful conference and had agreed on
about 60% of what they discussed.
When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied, “The Ten Commandments.”
The Oil Crisis
There are a lot of folks that can’t understand how we ran out of oil here in
the USA.
Well, here’s the answer: It’s simple. nobody bothered to check the oil.
Didn’t know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is
geographical.
All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma,
and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
Three wishes granted at Wizard Palace
One day George Bush, Bill Clinton and Bob Packwood decide to visit the Wizard of OZ. After a long travel along the yellow brick road they arrive at the Wizards Palace.
When they meet the Wizard he tells them that they may each have one wish fulfilled. The Wizard asks George Bush what he would like, to which George responds “I would like to have a heart” and a heart is given to him. The Wizard asks Bill Clinton what he would like, to which Bill responds “I would like to have a brain” and a brain is given to him.
The Wizard then asks Bob Packwood what he would like, to which Bob responds “Uhmmmm is Dorothy anywhere around”……..
Let’s vote on this now
Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the Potomac, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one life preserver jacket.Bill says: “Let’s do the Democratic thing. Take a vote to see who gets the life preserver.” They each write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can. Bush and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six.
The Top 13 Pick-Up Lines Used by Prince Harry
13> “Hi there. I know eventual-King William.”
12> “If I said you had a beautiful body — for a commoner, of course — would you hold it against me?”
11> “How’d you like to be hounded by paparazzi for the next six months?”
10> “Wanna inbreed?”
9> “Actually, that’s my *inheritance* in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you.”
8> “See ‘Jar Jar’ over there? That’s my dad.”
7> “Technically, you’ll be knighted if I touch you with my ‘royal sceptre.'”
6> “Care to come to my castle for some Bangers and Mash?”
5> “It’s not a proper curtsy unless your skirt’s over your head.”
4> “As a member in good standing of the Royal Hunt Club, it’s been my lifelong ambition to chivvy a little fox like you.”
3> “Before this evening’s over, I’d like to pronounce you ‘Duchess of Fellatia’.”
2> “Guards! Off with her blouse!”
1> “Waste my time with a pick-up line? Balderdash! Bark like a hound for me, peasant girl — and like it!”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
Interview with Hillary
Well, I was interviewing Hillary Clinton the other day, and we came to the subject of her and Bill’s sex life. I asked her “Hillary, is your sex life with Bill anything like what he had with Monica?”, and she said “Well, close but no cigar.”