Yours Fun Portal !
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President) are in France in a restaurant.
The waiter asks “le apperitif?” All of them answer “oui!”
The waiter looks at Zedillo “Le tequila?” Zedillo: “oui!”
The waiter looks at Yeltsin “Le vodka?” Yeltsin: “oui!”
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton ” Le whisky?” Clinton: “DON’T MENTION THAT BITCH !!!”
Joe was travelling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs agent at the border.
“May I see your identification, please?”, asks the agent. “I’m sorry, but I lost my wallet”, replies Joe. “Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border”, says the agent.
“But I can prove that I’m an American!” exclaims Joe. “I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Bob Dole on the other.”
“This I got to see”, replies the agent. With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.
“By golly, you’re right!”, exclaims the agent. “Go on home to Massachusetts.”
“Thanks”, says Joe, “but how did you know I was from Massachusetts?” The agent replies: “I saw the picture of Ted Kennedy in between.”
The folowing are all quotes from Marion Barry, the mayor of Washington
D.C.:
“The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity
during this long period of increment weather.”
“I promise you a police car on every sidewalk.”
“If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low
crime rate.”
“First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what
can I say? I’m a night owl.”
“Bitch set me up.”
“I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where’s
Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no
less.”
“The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of
gravity is racist.”
“I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international
city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international
symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?”
“People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the
president’s. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to
kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are.”
“The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black,
were the ultimate sacrifice.”
“I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The
Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600’s. Abraham
Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican.”
“What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they
deem it necessary?”
“People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the
water mains didn’t break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then?
WOULD IT!?!”
“I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent
man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man.”
The president was trying to keep his presidential promise by putting
more women on his staff.
A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon
pulled by a team of horses. When one of the hoses stumbled,
he said, “That’s once.”
Then it stumbled again. He said, “That’s twice.”
Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn’t
say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the horses
dead.
His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer
turned to her and said, “That’s once.”
Love is a many-splendored thing. Until you have to explain to 300 million
people why your splendor “by-product” is causing a tax hike to cover the
new Presidential Emergency Dry-Cleaning Fund. Then it’s just a pain in
the ass.
– Alisa Meadows
The AP reports that close associates of the Clintons concede that following
the president’s confession of infidelity, his relationship with Hillary has
turned rather “frosty”…
This contrasts with the president’s relationship with Monica Lewinsky, which
never seemed “frosty,” but did resemble a slurpee or a big gulp.
Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, “Isn’t that Bush and Powell?”
The barman said, “Yep, that’s them.”
So the guy walked over and said, “Hello. What are you guys doing?”
Bush said, “We’re planning World War III.”
The guy asked, “Really? What’s going to happen?”
Bush said, “Well, we’re going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman.”
The guy exclaimed, “Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!”
Bush turned to Powell and said, “See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!”
To the tune of “Summer Lovin'” from the musical “Grease”
Bill: “Summer intern, had me a blast.”
Monica: “White house intern, happened so fast.”
Bill: “Met a girl, crazy for me.”
Monica: “Met the prez, down on my knees.”
Bill: “Summer days, sucking away, oh, I, but those summer nights!”
Investigation Committee: “Well, ah..well, ah..well, ah..uh..Tell us more, tell
us more…”
Linda Trip: “Try to remember your best.”
Investigation Committee: “Tell us more, tell us more…”
Kenneth Star: “Did he cum on your dress?”
Bill: “Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp.”
Monica: “The prez is sexy – he makes my panties damp.”
Bill: “She gave me head, right in the White House.”
Monica: “I said OK, just don’t cum in my mouth.
Investigation Committee: “Well, ah..well, ah..well, ah..uh..Tell us more, tell
us more…”
Linda Trip: “He sounds like a swell guy.”
Investigation Committee: “Tell us more, tell us more..”
Kenneth Star: “Did he tell you to lie?”
Bill: “Press found out, it turned into a mess.”
Monica: “He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress.”
Bill: “She promised to lie, she made a vow.”
Monica: “Wonder who is servicing him now?”
Bill & Monica: “Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams
But………oh………….
Those White House Nights!”
Iraqi Prime Time Television Schedule ************************************
MONDAYS:
8:00 – “Husseinfeld”
8:30 – “Mad About Everything”
9:00 – “Suddenly Sanctions”
9:30 – “The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show”
10:00 – “Allah McBeal”
TUESDAYS:
8:00 – “Wheel of Fortune and Terror”
8:30 – “The Price is Right If Saddam Says It’s Right”
9:00 – “Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things”
9:30 – “Iraq’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”
10:00 – “Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer”
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 – “U.S. Military Secrets Revealed”
8:30 – “When Kurds Attack”
9:00 – “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah”
9:30 – “Just Shoot Me”
10:00 – “Veilwatch”
THURSDAYS:
8:00 – “Matima Loves Chachi”
8:30 – “M*U*S*T*A*S*H”
9:00 – “Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses”
9:30 – “My Two Baghdads”
10:00 – “Diagnosis: Heresy”
FRIDAYS:
8:00 – “Everybody Loves Saddam Or He’ll Have Them Shot”
8:30 – “Only Our Will and Grace From God Can Keep Us From Touching Each Other”
9:00 – “Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things”
9:30 – “Achmed’s Creek
10:00 – “Matlock”
See “Drowing George W.” for the liberal version…
—
Bill Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they want.
The first kid says, “I want to go to Disneyland” Bill says, “No problem. I’ll take you there on Air Force One”.
The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.” Bill says, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!! “
The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!!” Clinton is a little perplexed by this and says, “But you don’t look like you are handicapped. “The kid says, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!!!”
Why doesn’t Clinton have the courage to call his plan what it really is? “Socialism”