Category: politics

A man passed away and went to heaven. When the man arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, “Come on in. I’ll show you around. You’ll like it here”.
Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.
Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter what the deal was. Why are all these clocks here in heaven? St Peter replied, the clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move. Click. The minute hand on Sam’s clock moved one minute. Click. It moved another minute.Sam must be into closing a customer right now said St. Peter. The minute hand on his clock moves all day.
The man and St Peter continued walking. Soon they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. Whose clock is this” asked the man. That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing people on earth. I bet her clock hasn’t moved in a year or two.
They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all of his friends. When the tour was over the man said, ” I’ve seen everyone’s clock but President Clinton’s. Where is his clock?”
Saint Peter smiled, “Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan!”

I have only one firm belief in the American political system, and that is this: God is a Republican and Santa Claus is a Democrat.

God is an elderly or, at any rate, middle-aged male, a stern fellow, patriarchal rather than paternal and a great believer in rules and regulations. He holds men strictly accountable for their actions. He has little apparent concern for the material well-being of the disadvantaged. He is politically connected, socially powerful and holds the mortgage on literally everything in the world. God is difficult. God is unsentimental. It is very hard to get into God’s heavenly country club.

Santa Claus is another matter. He’s cute. He non-threatening. He’s always cheerful. And he loves animals. He may know who’s been naughty and who’s been nice, but he never does anything about it. He gives everyone everything they want without thought of a quid pro quo. He works hard for charities, and he’s famously generous to the poor. Santa Claus is preferable to God in every way but one: There is no such thing as Santa Claus.

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how
faithful you were to your wives on Earth.

Man 1: Please God, I can’t count how many times I cheated
on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on
Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a
run-down truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife
once, just once! We were going through problems and I took
the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder
to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and
worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after
work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went
travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and…

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud
of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when
they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the
road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and
crying your eyes out? You’re acting like some ungrateful
bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: “I just saw my wife on rollerskates!”

What do you get when you have 50 politicians and 50 lesbians in a room?

100 people that don’t do dick!!

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing
the entrance test, St. Peter says, “I’m not very busy today, why don’t you let
me show you around?” The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts
the offer.

St. Peter shows him all the sights – the golf course, the reading room and
library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE
room full of clocks. The guy asks, “What’s up with these clocks?”

St. Peter explains, “Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he
has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to
the Gates to be judged.” The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some
of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, “Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his
clock.”

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before
leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both
hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, “What’s the story with
that clock?”

“Oh, that,” St. Peter replies, “That’s President Clinton’s clock. We decided
to use it as a fan.”

You’ve named your kids “Deduction one” and “Deduction two”.

rtreyryr5yrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new
elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:
Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white.
Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in
contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.

With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of
interesting changes when in hot water.

Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called
Boron.

Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks.
Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic
properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it ain’t.

Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at
rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a
charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not
determined the formula for calculating it.

Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal
concentrations in the House.

Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

Snot Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy.

An Israeli doctor said, “Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor said “That’s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.”

A Russian doctor said, “In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said “Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.”

Rejected Names For Ross Perot’s Political Party
10. The Rosstafarians.
9. United We’re Nuts.
8. The Dork-O-Crats.
7. Wacky Ass Billionaires.
6.The “You Might Be A Redneck If You Join This Party” Party.
5.The Adorable Miniature Candidate And His Friends.
4. Yankee Doodle Psychos.
3. El Party De Nutjobs.
2. Shorty And The Blowfish.
1. The Hair Club For Geeks.

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department.They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the pastor called him anyway.The mayor did not disappoint him. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me any way? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. Then, he replied “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”

1.Bullet Proof’ vests aren’t.

2.The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and choke harder too.

3.The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you’ve been a cop.

4.Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.

5.High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.

6.If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.

7.Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.

8.Flash hiders don’t really.

9.If you have `cleared’ all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.

10.If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.

11.Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).

12.If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on `Eyewitness News’.

13.Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.

14.When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.

15.If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.

16.You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don’t need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.

17.Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.

18.From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.

19.On any call, there will always be more `bad guys’ than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.

20.The longer you’ve been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.

21.Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn’t do it.

22.You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is “Boomer”.

23.The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.

24.If a large group of drunk bikers is “holed-up” in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker “holed-up” in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.