Category: politics

Brezhnev gathers Politburo [top council in the country] and says: – Comrades,
you are growing senile and loosing your marbles. Yesterday, during the burial of
our dear comrade Gromyko when the music started playing only me I got the hint
and asked a lady for a dance.

Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
You pull a little ring and it NEVER tells the same story twice!

An Englishman, a Frenchman, an Israeli, and a Palestinian were on an airplane.
The airplane developed serious problems and began losing altitude. Everything
possible was thrown overboard, but the plane was still losing altitude. Finally
the Englishman got up, walked to the door, yelled out “God save the Queen”, and
jumped. The descent slowed but it was still not enough. The Frenchman got up
walked to the door and yell, “Viva La France!”, and jumped. The plane was almost
flying level now, but just a little bit more reduction in weight was needed. The
Israeli got up walked to the door, yelled out “Allah is great”, and through the
Palestinian out.

This following poem is composed entirely of actual quotes from George W. Bush.

Make the Pie Higher

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It’s a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!

The President was visiting a grade school the other day and sat in on an English class. To participate in the class, he asked for someone to give him an example of a tragedy. A little girl named Peggy held up her hand timidly and said, ‘If my friend was walking across the street and a car ran over her… well, that would be a tragedy!’ ‘Well, thank you for trying,’ The Prez said. ‘That would be what we would call an accident, but not a tragedy. Can anybody else give me an example?’A little boy named Timmy said, ‘If the school bus was full of kids and a truck hit it and killed all the kids that would be a tragedy.”Well, that would be what we call a great loss, but it doesn’t quite make the tragic category,’ the President replied. About his time little Johnny held up his hand. ‘Oh. Oh. I know, I know…’ Johnny started. ‘If you and the Vice President and all the senators and all the congressmen were having a meeting, and a bomb blew everybody up that would be a tragedy.’ ‘That’s right!’ the President exclaimed. ‘How did you figure that out?’ ‘Well,’ said Johnny, ‘it wouldn’t be an accident and it darn sure wouldn’t be a great loss!’

10. “I see the flat tax wouldn’t apply to you.”
9. “Inflation isn’t the only thing going up around here.”
8. “I’d like you to exercise my pocket veto.”
7. “Could you give my voting lever a little pull?”
6. “I said I wanted to keep the government out of the bedroom, but I didn’t
mean this senator.”
5. “Hello, my name is Sen. Bob Packwood….”
4. “…and have you met my friend Sen. Ted Kennedy?”
3. “Would you like to import some fine foreign salami?”
2. “Do you wanna go stuff the ballot box?”
1. “I’ve got an economic stimulus package right here in my pants…er, uh,
pocket.”

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, explodes one day in mid session and begins to shout,

“Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”

All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member accepted.

“Ok” he said, “I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”

Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party’s political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.

The politician was shouting, “My opponent has been stealing you
blind while in office! All I ask for is a chance.”

-Milton Berle

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

”We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”

The man said, ”You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, ”Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.”I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, ”You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, ”This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

this little old lady calls 911. when the operator answers she yells, “help,
send the police to my house right away! there’s a damn democrat on my front
porch and he’s playing with himself.”
“what?” the operator exclaimed.
“i said there is a f****** democrat on my front porch playing with himself and
he’s weird; i don’t know him and i’m afraid! please send the police!” the little
old lady repeated.
“well, now, how do you know he’s a democrat?”
“because, you damn fool, if it was a republican, he’d be f****** somebody!”

A man passed away and went to heaven. When the man arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, “Come on in. I’ll show you around. You’ll like it here”.
Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.
Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter what the deal was. Why are all these clocks here in heaven? St Peter replied, the clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move. Click. The minute hand on Sam’s clock moved one minute. Click. It moved another minute.Sam must be into closing a customer right now said St. Peter. The minute hand on his clock moves all day.
The man and St Peter continued walking. Soon they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. Whose clock is this” asked the man. That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing people on earth. I bet her clock hasn’t moved in a year or two.
They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all of his friends. When the tour was over the man said, ” I’ve seen everyone’s clock but President Clinton’s. Where is his clock?”
Saint Peter smiled, “Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan!”