Category: politics

One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.

All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with
a gun.

The masked man said “Give me all your money!”

Unwilling to do so, the President said, “You can’t do this, I’m the
President!” The man then replied,…
“Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!”

A son asks his father, “What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.”

The father thought some and said, “OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.

Let’s say that I’m a capitalist because I’m the breadwinner.
Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?”

The little boy said, “Well, Dad, I don’t know, but I’ll think about what you said.”

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother’s crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent’s bedroom and found his father’s side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn’t wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, “Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.”

“Excellent, my boy,” he answered, “What have you learned?”

The little boy thought for a minute and said, “I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future’s full of crap.”

George Carlin Speaks Out…

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel
governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack
addicts squirting out babies.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you’d better do it in English.

I’m not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.
I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two
parents.
I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson
preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the
problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for
both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.

I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than
working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put
your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven’t begun to be
enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave
the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe it’s called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I don’t think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I don’t use the excuse “it’s for the children” as a shield for unpopular
opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn,
Medicine Woman.
I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I
am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn’t wander forty years in the
desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven’t burned any witches or been
persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running
from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are
breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you
deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the
next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should
be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never
delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don’t
pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
I’m neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the
mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American.
If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!

What’s the new game they’re playing in the White House?

Swallow the Leader.

Bill and Hillary Clinton were traveling to Hillary’s high school reunion in
Chicago when they had to stop for gas. They pulled up to the full-service pump
and waited as the gas station attendant came out to fill up the limo. As he was
pumping the gas, Hillary said to Bill, “Gee, that guy looks so familiar!” A few
minutes later, it hit her. “Bill!” she said, “I do know that guy! We used to
date in high school!”

Bill turned to Hillary and said, “Well, aren’t you glad you ended up with
me?”

“Why?” asked Hillary.

“Because I’m the President of the United States and he’s pumping gas!”

“Well,” said Hillary, “If I had married him, he’d be President!”

Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, “medium.”
Then the waiter said, “how about your vegetable?” Hillary replied, “Oh, he can order for himself.”

There are more jokes like this at http://humorshack.com

“The glory of a nation rests upon the character of her men.”- Herbert Hoover.
“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation
where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of
their character.”- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
“Character doesn’t matter.”- Bill Clinton
That just about says it all, doesn’t it?

Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallys in the same park of a small New England town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd – shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily.
Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd – shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.

“That man’s persistence yonder,” observed one of the natives, “sure makes it easy to know who to vote for.”

“Yep,” another native agreed. “Sure can’t see myself casting a vote for a man who hasn’t the good sense to come in out of the rain.”

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he
saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell.
In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was
no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard,
“What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?”
“They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack,” the
guard replied.
“And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?”
“The same exact thing,” the guard answered.
“Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?”
“Because in Socialist Hell, they’re always out of oil, whips, and
racks!”

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car
together in the midwest. A tornado comes along and
whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away.

When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they
realize they’re in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.

Quayle says, “I’m going to ask the Wizard for a brain.”
Gingrich says, “I’m going to ask the Wizard for a heart.”
Clinton says, “Where’s Dorothy?”

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of
those girl to girl talks…………
Hillary says to Janet, “You’re lucky that you don’t have to put up with men
having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill….and there’s no telling where
he last had his pecker.”

Janet responded…”Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that’s
“politically correct” for ugly), doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight off
unwelcome sexual advances.”

Hillary asks, “Well how do you deal with the problem?”

Janet says, “Whenever I feel that a guy’s getting ready to make a pass me, I
muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can.”

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary
headed to bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be
wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for
him…..so, she tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting
sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and asks, “That you Janet?”

Election nightBill: “Honey, we won!”Hillary: “Honestly?!”Bill: “Let’s not bring that up…”