Category: politics

President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered WhiteHouse lawn and sees the words “President Clinton sucks” written in pee in the snow.

Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn’t care what it takes but he wants to know who did this. The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news.

“OK,” says Clinton, “give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news.”

The Chief says: “The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is.”

Clinton nods and the Chief continues: “The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore.”

This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.

The Chief of Security swallows and says, “It’s in Hilary’s hand writing”.

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to screw it up.

Why did George Bush’s presidency preceed Clinton’s?

Because Clinton is always after bush!

In a New York City school, a teacher says “Students let’s try
some animal sounds.”

“Billy why don’t you tell us what sound a Cow makes?”
“Mooooooo.”

“Good now Timmy what sound does a Duck make?”
“Quack Quack Quack.”

“Good now Tupac what sound does a pig make?”
“Put your hands up and get against the wall!”

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the
best strategy is to dismount.
In modern education and government, however, a whole range of far more
advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1.Buying a stronger whip.
2.Changing riders.
3.Threatening the horse with termination.
4.Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5.Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6.Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7.Re-classifying the dead horse as “living impaired.”
8.Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9.Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10.Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s
performance.
11.Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead
horse’s performance.
12.Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to
the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13.Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14.Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, “How come the Jews know everything before we do?

The CIA chief says, “It’s simple. The Jews have an expression, Nu, Vus Tutzuch (English translation: What’s Happening). They just ask each other and that’s how they find out everything.”

Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercover to see how this system works.

So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard, long sideburns etc.) as an Orthodox Jew, and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car and secretly dropped off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyn’s most Jewish neighborhoods.

As the president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old Jewish man comes shuffling along. Bush approaches him and whispers “Nu, Vus Tutzuch?”

The old guy whispers back, “Did you hear that putz Bush is in Brooklyn?”

What do you call a man without a brain?
Single or widowed!!

A busload of politicians was driving down a country road, when suddenly the
bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole
and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw
the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordly, were they ALL dead?”

The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how
them crooked politicians lie.”

Rose Bushel, an amateur genealogical researcher, discovered that her
presidential husband’s great-great uncle, Gunther Bushel, a fellow lacking
in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Texas in
1889. The only known photograph of Gunther shows him standing on the
gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:

“Gunther Bushel; horse thief, sent to Tennessee Prison 1885, escaped 1887,
robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton Detectives,
convicted and hanged in 1889.”

After letting her husband and his political staff of professional image
consultants peruse the findings, they decided to crop Gunther’s picture,
scan it in as an enlarged image, and edited it with image processing
software so that all that’s seen is a head shot.

The following accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated
Press:

“Gunther Bushel was a famous rancher in early Texas history. His business
empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and
intimate dealings with the Texas railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted
several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally
taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a
key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective
Agency. In 1889, Gunther passed away during an important civic function
held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”

Entry 1
Dear Diary,
I’m so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House…. and I don’t know a thing about medicine. Don’t even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it’s a “hands on” position. Entry 2

Dear Diary,
You won’t believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when-guess what-the president walked in. He said, “You must be the new intern.” That man is psychic! I hope he likes me. Entry 3

Dear Diary,
I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug and asked me to find them. Entry 4

Dear Diary,
He really likes me. Entry 5

Dear Diary,
I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like they’re going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something. But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me “1-900 Monica.” (That means he thinks I’m one in nine hundred. That’s pretty special.) Entry 6

Dear Diary,
I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She’s really cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word “conditioner?” She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald. Entry 7

Dear Diary,
I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner. Entry 8

Dear Diary,
Oh-oh. The bad news: I’ve been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I’m going job hunting with him tomorrow. Entry 9

Dear Diary,
I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones’ case. What is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag. Entry 10

Dear Diary,
I’ve had it. I’m never going to be an intern again. I’m going back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work. Entry 11

Dear Diary,
Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would I hope Spielberg will direct

Three presidents and Bill Clinton are in Air Force One. The engines start to
die and the plane starts to go down. The pilot comes out and says there is only
one parachute I will stay and die for my country but the rest of you will have
to decide who�s going to jump and who will live. So the first general jumps out
the back and yells, �I did it for my country�! The second general jumps out and
says, �I did it for my country�! Now the third general pushes Bill Clinton out
the window and says, �I did it for my country�!

16> Rebel Without a Card

15> Austin Bars: The Guy Who Snagged Me

14> The American Precedent

13> Me, Myself and I.D.

12> The Little Barmaid

11> The Keg and I

10> Good Morning, Magistrate!

9> Bend Hurl

8> The Hunt for OctoberFest

7> License to Kill Your Dad’s Chances of Re-Election

6> Drunk and Drunker

5> The Clodfather

4> 9 1/2 Weeks — of Community Service

3> Heaving Las Cervezas

2> Honey, I’ve Drunks for Kids!

1> You’ve Got Bail!

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]