Category: politics

Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer’s victims and The Clintons’ hair styles have in common?A: They both look like the work of a butcher.

When I wake up in the morning
Don’t want no coffee or tea
Just give me a few minutes
With Monica Lewinskyyyy…

Cuz’ I’m the President, baby
And I break all the rules
I got the United States caught
In the sex scandal blues.

Annoyed driver to patrolman who has pulled her over: “Why can’t you people get organized? One day you take my license away, and the next day you ask to see it.”

Yassar Arafat’s advice to President Clinton: “Goats don’t talk.”

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question:

If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn’t it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark.

Professionals built the Titanic and in case you never saw this one…

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500
employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse

* 7 have been arrested for fraud

* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks

* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

* 3 have done time for assault

* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It’s the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots
that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in
line.

Questions Ken Starr Has for the President

“Let’s speed this up–who *haven’t* you nailed?”

“Aha! So you admit you’ve had sex!!!! What’s it like?
Is it fun?”

“Can I have some of those fries?”

“Do you admit my getting Dan Rather to talk about your semen was pretty
cool?”

“Would you *please* stop winking at the court reporter?!”

“Mr. President, how does it feel to be on the receiving
end of a probe for a change?”

“Okay, exhibit 25-A is yet *ANOTHER* ink blot. Now, does
THIS one remind you of anything besides a breast?”

“Is it just my imagination, or are all of the women you
know butt-ugly?”

“Are you now, or have you ever been, in a non-erect state?”

“Mr. President, did you bring any pants with you?”

Hillary feels pretty badly — she may be the First Lady, but she won’t
be the last.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.

You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend”.

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new
Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust cloud, advanced toward him and stopped.
The driver, a 24-year-old young man wearing a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray
Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd,
“If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give
me one?”
The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his peacefully grazing flock,
and calmly answered, “Sure.”
The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it
to a cell phone, and surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a
GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and
some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 150-page
report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turned around to our shepherd and
said, “You have here exactly 1,586 sheep.”
“Amazing! That’s correct! Like I agreed, you can take one of my sheep,” said
the shepherd.
The shepherd watched the man make a selection and bundle it into his
Cherokee.
When he was finished the shepherd said, “If I can tell you exactly
what your political persuasion is, where you’re from and whom you work for, will
you give me my sheep back?”
“Okay, why not,” answered the young man.
“You’re a Democrat from Palm Beach and you’re working for Jesse Jackson,” said
the shepherd.
“Wow! That’s correct,” said the young man. “How did you ever guess that?”
“Easy,” answered the shepherd. “Nobody called you, but you showed up here
anyway. You want to be paid for providing a solution to a question for which I
already knew the answer. And, you don’t have any idea what you’re doing because
you just took my dog.”

April 15 is tax day in the US, so please read the following to
make certain that you have paid all of your taxes for either yourself or
your husband or boyfriend.

The only thing any Government has not taxed is the male penis.

This is due to the fact that
40 % of the time it is hanging around unemployed,
20 % of the time it is pissed off,
30 % of the time it is hard up and
10 % of the time it is in the hole.

On top of this it has two dependents and both of them are nuts!

According to the income tax amendment act 1995, your penis will be
taxed according to its size.

To determine your category, please refer to Schedule 2 of the Income
Tax return Form 8 which states the following :

10 to 12 inches ——— Luxury tax ———- $ 50.00
8 to 10 inches ——— Pole tax ———— $ 45.00
5 to 8 inches ——— Privilege Tax ——- $ 40.00
3 to 5 inches ——— Standard Tax ——– $ 30.00

Anyone under 3 inches is entitled to a refund of 20 %
and special relief as a handicapped person.
Please do not ask for an extension.

Those who exceed 12 inches will be liable for
Capital Gains Tax.

If you have any queries, please contact the nearest Income Tax
office. Our staff will be only too willing to handle your problem.

One day, Chelsea Clinton asked her dad, “Do all fairy tales start with ‘Once
upon a time'”? Bill answered, “No, some start with, ‘After I’m elected. . .”