Category: politics

Twas a night during crisis and
Bill’s feelin’ a bit ill,
He hopes Congress will swallow all his B.S.
He gave them their fill.

Ken Starr has informed
every person on earth…
We know it all,
except his legnth and his girth.

We really don’t care
about all the sexual facts,
We’re more concerned
with the dignity he lacks.

We want a President
we know we can trust,
Not one that we think of
and hope they will bust.

We know Whitewater
was impossible to prosecute…
All the witnesses are gone,
There’s no one left to shoot.

Our country is hangin’
out there by a thread,
Seems Ole’ Bill
also has China in bed!

Now, some say Linda
was a back-biting pal,
But, Monica knows
this information is foul.

For she is alive to relate all the facts
REMEMBER…
witnesses usually lay in graves,
on their backs.

“It’s all a coincidence”
so many should die,
Or is the coincidence
so many WOULDN’T LIE?

40,000,000….they yell
for this screwy mess?
Not much to pay to save
Our Country…NO LESS!!

Bases are closed
leaving us defenseless,
Doesn’t anyone think that
this is plain Senseless?

“Economy’s good”….
many do scream,
I’ve got my SSI check,
that was my Big dream!

“Economy’s Great”!!!
My pockets are full.
But the guy workin’ 2 jobs
knows this is pure BULL!!

Babies are killed
when they’re half way born,
the states are all flooded
with drugs and with porn.

Metal detectors
we find in our schools
and there is no respect
for any of the rules.

But its okay to dodge the draft,
don’t inhale, lie under oath,
twist the facts to fit your ways
Follow Slick Willie, HE NEVER PAYS!!!!

He uses our laws
to do as he will,
Laws are for common folks,
not for Slick Bill!

Go Ahead,
watch “Friends” on TV,
don’t get involved…..
since you really can’t see.

Just sit there and complain
about Kenneth Starr,
over a drink
at your favorite bar.

Get it all over with,
My heads in the sand,
Bill’s a Great Guy,
I think he’s just GRAND!!

Excuse the Scoundrel that
will bury us all
But, don’t complain to me,
if the country does fall.

Sorry Buddy, is our reply,
We love this country
and Bill’s BOLOGNA
just DON’T FLY!!!

Now, on the real issues
Bill’s covered every track.
Hillary’s made sure to
give him no slack.

But, Starr is confident…
in every way,
’cause when Slick Willie is horny
he just has to play!

Slick Willie is careless
when Little Willie wants out,
He’ll call Monica
She’ll come….No doubt!!

She’ll even bring Pizza
and we can party in here,
Everyone will keep quiet,
My henchmen are near!

And Willie was sloppy
as we all know,
He let it all hang-out
Woops….There it goes!!!

Subpoenas are issued
and Starr’s smiling big,
The country’s big chance
To throw out this pig.

We hope its not too late
to bring the jerk down,
And rebuild the country….
On solid good ground.

In olden times, it could be decades before major events were cast in verse.
But The Great 2000 Election Controversy is so big that a bunch of all-star poets
have come out of retirement to quickly set the story to rhyme.

For starters, history buff Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:
Listen, my children, don’t dare ignore,
The midnight actions of Bush and Gore
In early November, the year ought-ought,
Hard to believe the mess they wrought.
Two billion bucks of campaign bounty
All came down to Palm Beach County.
What result could have been horrider
Than the situation we found in Florider?

Edgar Allan Poe is his usual gloomy self:
Once upon a campaign dreary, one which left us weak and weary
O’er many a quaint and curious promise of political lore
While we nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a yapping,
As of some votes overlapping, energy-zapping to the core
“‘Tis a mess here,” we all muttered, as the network anchors stuttered,
Stuttered over Bush and Gore.
Could there be another election with such a case of misdirection,
One with such a weak selection, yet fraught with tension to the core?
Quoth the ravers, “Nevermore.”
Britain’s Edward Lear’s limerick is lighter:
There once was a U.S. election
That called for some expert detection –
How thousands of pollers
Could become two-holers
Like outhouses of recollection.
Ditto Ogden Nash:
I regret to admit that all my knowledge
Is what I learned at Electoral Colleges,
So tell me please, though I hate to troubya,
Will the winner be Al, or will it be Dubya?
Joyce Kilmer’s a media analyst:
I thought that I would never see
The networks all so up a tree.
Walt Whitman is lyrical, as always:
O’Captain! My Captain!
Our fearful trip’s not done
The ship has weather’d every rack,
But nobody knows who’s won.
Alfred Noyes rhythmically rumbles:
And still of an autumn night they say, with the White House on the line,
When the campaign’s a ghostly galleon and both candidates cry “Tis mine!”
When the road is a ribbon of ballots, all within easy reach,
A highwayman comes riding, riding, riding,
A highwayman comes riding, and punches two holes in each.
Dr. Seuss takes a look at election officials:
I cannot count them in a box
I cannot count them with a fox
I cannot count them by computer
I will not with a Roto-Rooter
I cannot count them card-by-card
I will not ’cause it’s way too hard
I cannot count them on my fingers
I will not while suspicion lingers.
I’ll leave the country in a jam –
I can’t count ballots, Sam-I-Am.
“Clement Moore” adopts a holiday theme:
‘Twas the month before Christmas, when all through the courts,
All the plaintiffs made stirring bad ballot reports.
Which leaves the problem.
Perhaps the best way to stop complaints that are so raucous is to start over
again, with the Iowa caucuses!

New York 2032…. A man and his son are walking through a highly built-up area
of Manhattan when they came across an empty space and the father stops to
reflect for a while. “Imagine son,” the father says “exactly 31 years ago the
great twin towers stood proudly in this area”. Intrigued by the comment the son
then asks “what were the twin towers dad?” To which the father replies “they
were two of the largest buildings in the world and they housed many thousands of
offices…. but in 2001 they were destroyed by Talibans”. The son pauses for a
while and then asks “Dad… what were Talibans?”

Ben Franklin was the only president of the United States who was
never president of the United States.

Mohandas Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet
became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even
when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite
thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad
breath. Therefore he came to be known as a “Super calloused fragile mystic
plagued with halitosis.”

The Brain Surgeon was about to preform a brain transplant.

“You have your choice of two brains,” he told the patient,
“For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you
can have the brain of a politician.”

The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price. “Is the
brain of a politician that much better?” he asked.

The Brain Surgeon replied, “No, it’s not better, just unused.”

Pro and Con are opposites, right? So then doen;t it follow that congress is
the opposite of progress!

Some congressmen are so upset about how much the government pays
farmers not to grow wheat, that they want more money not to accept
bribes.

A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of
Democrats came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and
turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the
farmer if he has seen the car. “Yep” replied the farmer. “Where are
they?” asked the sheriff. “Over there”, replied the farmer pointing to
the ditch filled with fresh dirt. “You buried them?” asked the
sherrif, “Were they still alive?” Replied the farmer, “They said they
were, but you know how those people lie.”

FLORIDA: If you think we can’t vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: If you don’t like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of
the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: We’ve been Gored by the bull of politics and we’re Bushed.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.
FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!
FLORIDA: What comes after 17, 311?
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
FLORIDA: We don’t just cheat in football.
FLORIDA: We’re number one! Wait! Recount!

Or…

PALM BEACH COUNTY: So nice, we let you vote twice.
PALM BEACH COUNTY: We put the “duh” in Florida.
Sign on I-95 : Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, wait 10 miles.

I saw an interview in which an expert on military history said that Saddam
Hussein actually has a law degree. He went on to point out that the degree was
granted under somewhat unusual circumstances: Saddam Hussein was accompanied by
two heavily armed guards into the examination room, and apparently it was felt
that there was no need to grade the exam.
Upon hearing this, my first thought was that Saddam had cheated. But the
expert quickly pointed out that the incident demonstrates that Saddam really has
an excellent understanding of Iraqi law.

(with apologies to Dr.Suess)

AlGore I am!

Can we count them with our nose?

Can we count them with our toes?

Should we count them with a band?

Should we count them all by hand?

If I do not like the count,

I will simply throw them out!

I will not let this vote count stand,

I do not like them, and AlGore I am!

Can we change these numbers here?

Can we change them, calm my fears?

What do you mean Dubya has won?

That is not fair! It ruins my fun!

Let’s count them upside down this time.

Let’s count until the state is mine!

I will not let THIS vote count stand!

I do not like it, and AlGore I am!

I’m really ticked; I’m in a snit!

You have not heard the last of it!

I’ll count the ballots one by one,

and hold each up before the sun!

I’ll count, recount, and count some more!

You’ll grow to like this little chore!

I will not let this vote count stand!

I won’t leave office, stayin’ here

I’ve glued my desk chair to my rear!

Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too,

are telling me that I should SUE!

We find the Electoral College vile!

Recount the votes until WE smile!

We do not want this vote to stand!

We do not LIKE it, AlGore-I-am!

How shall we count THIS ballot box?

Let’s count it standing in our socks!

Shall we count this one in a tree?

And who shall count it, you or me?

We cannot, cannot count enough!

We must not stop; we must be tough!

I do not want this vote to stand!

I do not like it, and AlGore I am.

I’ve counted till my fingers bleed,

and still can’t fulfill my counting need.

I’ll count the tiles on the floor,

and even count the ones next door!

And I will not say I am done,

until the counting says I’ve WON!

I will not let this vote count stand!

I do not like it, and AlGore I am!

What’s that? What? What’s that you say?

You think the current count should….

STAY?????

You do not like my counting scheme?

It makes you tense? Gives you bad dreams?

Foolish folks, you’re wrong, you’ll see!

Your only care should be for ME!

I will not let this vote count stand!

I do not like it, and AlGore I am!