Category: politics

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, “Help, send the police to my house right away! There’s a damn Democrat on my front porch and he’s playing with himself.”

“What?” the operator exclaimed.

“I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he’s weird; I don’t know him and I’m afraid! Please send the police!” the little old lady repeated.

“Well, now, how do you know he’s a Democrat?”

“Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he’d be screwing somebody!”

George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW
Washington, D.C. 20500

Past Work Experience

Ran for congress and lost.
Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
Bought an oil company, but couldn’t find any oil in Texas; company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
With father’s help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.
Accomplishments in Previous Positions

Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.

Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

Set record for most executions by any governor in American history.

Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my father’s appointments to the Supreme Court.

Accomplishments As President

Attacked and took over two countries.
Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
First president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history.
After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
Set the record for most campaign fundraising trips than any other president in U.S. history.
In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in U.S. history.
Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in U.S. history.
Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.
Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in U.S. history.
Presided over the biggest energy crises in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
Presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
My presidency is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.
Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history (the ‘poorest’ multimillionaire, Condoleezza Rice, has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).
First president in U.S. history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.
Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
First president in U.S. history to order a U.S. attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.
Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in U.S. history.
First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the human rights commission.
First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board.
Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in U.S. history.
Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
Refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
First president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. elections).
All-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
My biggest lifetime campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.
First president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
First president to run and hide when the U.S. came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
First U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.
Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year made the U.S. the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in U.S. and world history).
With a policy of ‘disengagement’ created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
Fist U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
First U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the U.S. than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden ‘dead or alive.’
Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.
In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the U.S. has ever been since the Civil War.
Entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.
Records and References

At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available)
AWOL from National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war.
Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father’s library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (they can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)

Source: Kelley Kramer

Thank you for calling the White House. You have reached the White House voice
mail system. No one is available to take your call at this time because the
entire administration is out to lunch.

Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are
finished, don’t hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call. Have a nice
day.

If you are male and would like to leave a message for the president, press 9.

If your are female and would like to leave a message for the president,
press M-O-T-E-L-6.

If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea, press
N-O-W-A-Y.

To leave a message for Buddy, press D-O-G.

To leave a message for Socks, press D-O-G-F-O-O-D.

To leave a message for Roger Clinton, press A-A.

To leave a message for Ted Kennedy, Press 7-A-N-D-7.

If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom, press
D-O-L-L-A-R.

If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee, pres Y-E-N.

If you are calling to support Hillary’s birth control program, press
F-R-I-G-I-D.

If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno, press W-A-C-O.

To leave a message for a member of Congress, press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

To leave a message for the Gore2000 campaign, press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S.

If you wish to make a complaint, press B-I-T-E-M-E.

To speak to an operator, press 0.

To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the president will answer
your call shortly.

What do you get when you cross Ted Kaczyski with Monica Lewinsky?

– Dynamite Blowjobs.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?A: Because when his term is through, he won’t be going to school.

I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and
the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a
congressman.

RECOUNT DEMANDED BY METS

NEW YORK (AP) –The New York Mets announced today that they are going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of Game 5 of the World Series. The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets held a press conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union. “We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers,” said the Mets batting coach. “We were confused by the irregularities of the pitches we received and believe we have been denied our right to hit.”

One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not confused by the pitches. Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had in fact faced the Yankees in inter-league play earlier in the year.

“The fact remains that some of the pitches confused us and denied us of our right to hit,” said the Mets batting coach.

“The World Series is not over yet and the Yankees are celebrating prematurely. “Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game. “While some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World Series,” the commissioner said. Another portion of the Mets legal claim stated that, based on on-base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless of the final scores of the games.

“It’s clear that we were on-base slightly more often than the Yankees,” said a Mets spokesman. “The World Series crown is rightly ours. “The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes “we need to let the process run its course without a rush to judgment.”

We have come to learn that bombing really works. We’ve flown over 2,800
sorties, dropped 15 tons in warheads, and done extremely costly damage. But
we’re a compassionate nation, and when this is all over, we’re going to put the
rocks and dirt back.

A priest walked into a barbershop in Washington, D.C. After he got his
haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, “No charge. I consider
it a service to the Lord.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a
thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his haircut. He then asked
how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the
community.”
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank
you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much
it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators waiting
at the door.

As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next president. This will have a catastrophic results in our not so vital (dispensable entertainment industry).

Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin – among many others have sworn to leave the country if George Bush is elected president.

And this is where you can help. We need volunteers to help pack and load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate before they change their minds.

For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation. You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters, and pictures from your chosen “refugee”as they learn to become useful citizens in the Third World country of their choosing.

You will help, won’t you? It costs so little but it means so much.
Call 1-800-deport a lib. Operators are standing by. Major credit cards are accepted.

Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?

If I do not like the count,
I will simply throw them out.
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!

Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun.

Let’s count them upside down this time.
Let’s count until the state is mine.
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

I’m really ticked, I’m in a snit.
You have not heard the last of it.
I’ll count the ballots one by one.
And hold each one up to the sun.

I’ll count, recount, and count some more.
You’ll grow to hate this little chore.
But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!

I won’t leave office, I’m stayin’ here.
I’ve glued my desk chair to my rear.
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba, too,
all telling me that I should sue.

We find the Electoral College vile.
Re-count the votes until I smile.
We do not want this vote to stand.
We do not like it, AL GORE I am!

Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.