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A Russian was falling from a skyscraper.
At the 40th floor, he was caught by a man:
man1) Say viva America!
Russian) Net!
Than the man letter he falls. At the 30th floor he was caught by another man.
man2) Say viva America!
Russian) Net!
Then the 2nd man dropped him too. At the 2nd floor hews caught again.
Russian) Viva America!
man3)Boo!@#$%^&*!
And he thrower him out the window.
This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, “Help, send the police to my house right away! There’s a damn Democrat on my front porch and he’s playing with himself.”
“What?” the operator exclaimed.
“I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he’s weird; I don’t know him and I’m afraid! Please send the police!” the little old lady repeated.
“Well, now, how do you know he’s a Democrat?”
“Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he’d be screwing somebody!”
What do you get when you cross Ted Kaczyski with Monica Lewinsky?
– Dynamite Blowjobs.
Thank you for calling the White House. You have reached the White House voice
mail system. No one is available to take your call at this time because the
entire administration is out to lunch.
Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are
finished, don’t hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call. Have a nice
day.
If you are male and would like to leave a message for the president, press 9.
If your are female and would like to leave a message for the president,
press M-O-T-E-L-6.
If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea, press
N-O-W-A-Y.
To leave a message for Buddy, press D-O-G.
To leave a message for Socks, press D-O-G-F-O-O-D.
To leave a message for Roger Clinton, press A-A.
To leave a message for Ted Kennedy, Press 7-A-N-D-7.
If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom, press
D-O-L-L-A-R.
If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee, pres Y-E-N.
If you are calling to support Hillary’s birth control program, press
F-R-I-G-I-D.
If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno, press W-A-C-O.
To leave a message for a member of Congress, press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G.
To leave a message for the Gore2000 campaign, press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S.
If you wish to make a complaint, press B-I-T-E-M-E.
To speak to an operator, press 0.
To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the president will answer
your call shortly.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?A: Because when his term is through, he won’t be going to school.
I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and
the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a
congressman.
RECOUNT DEMANDED BY METS
NEW YORK (AP) –The New York Mets announced today that they are going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of Game 5 of the World Series. The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets held a press conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union. “We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers,” said the Mets batting coach. “We were confused by the irregularities of the pitches we received and believe we have been denied our right to hit.”
One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not confused by the pitches. Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had in fact faced the Yankees in inter-league play earlier in the year.
“The fact remains that some of the pitches confused us and denied us of our right to hit,” said the Mets batting coach.
“The World Series is not over yet and the Yankees are celebrating prematurely. “Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game. “While some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World Series,” the commissioner said. Another portion of the Mets legal claim stated that, based on on-base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless of the final scores of the games.
“It’s clear that we were on-base slightly more often than the Yankees,” said a Mets spokesman. “The World Series crown is rightly ours. “The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes “we need to let the process run its course without a rush to judgment.”
A priest walked into a barbershop in Washington, D.C. After he got his
haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, “No charge. I consider
it a service to the Lord.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a
thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his haircut. He then asked
how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the
community.”
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank
you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much
it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators waiting
at the door.
We have come to learn that bombing really works. We’ve flown over 2,800
sorties, dropped 15 tons in warheads, and done extremely costly damage. But
we’re a compassionate nation, and when this is all over, we’re going to put the
rocks and dirt back.
As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next president. This will have a catastrophic results in our not so vital (dispensable entertainment industry).
Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin – among many others have sworn to leave the country if George Bush is elected president.
And this is where you can help. We need volunteers to help pack and load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate before they change their minds.
For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation. You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters, and pictures from your chosen “refugee”as they learn to become useful citizens in the Third World country of their choosing.
You will help, won’t you? It costs so little but it means so much.
Call 1-800-deport a lib. Operators are standing by. Major credit cards are accepted.
Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count,
I will simply throw them out.
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!
Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun.
Let’s count them upside down this time.
Let’s count until the state is mine.
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!
I’m really ticked, I’m in a snit.
You have not heard the last of it.
I’ll count the ballots one by one.
And hold each one up to the sun.
I’ll count, recount, and count some more.
You’ll grow to hate this little chore.
But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!
I won’t leave office, I’m stayin’ here.
I’ve glued my desk chair to my rear.
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba, too,
all telling me that I should sue.
We find the Electoral College vile.
Re-count the votes until I smile.
We do not want this vote to stand.
We do not like it, AL GORE I am!
Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.