Category: politics

Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two–one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.

Q: What is Clinton’s plan to create thousands of small businesses?A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.

10. Truly an eager beaver
9. Uses too much teeth.
8. Stays late, comes early
7. Excellent oral dictation skills: has never missed a period.
6. Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load
5. Frequently complains of jaw pain.
4. Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner.
3. “In Box” is always clean and shiny
2. Tends to blab on the telephone
1. This intern might suck, but she doesn’t inhale.

Which is more useful, a Russian radio broadcast or a Russian newspaper?
-The newspaper, of course… you can use it to wrap herring.

Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet – at
one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from
attacking them?

Warren G. Harding

What do you get when you cross a hooker and a nurse?

Clinton health care.

A life size picture of Dale Earnhardt was stolen from an auto-recycling center
in Pennsylvania. When asked whether or not finding such a large picture would be
hard, the chief officer on the case said, “Ah, I just wish he was taller.”

Have you heard of the new Bill Clinton computer?

Six inch hard drive and no memory.

Q : What’s the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?

A: A screwdriver turns in screws, Clinton screws interns!

A reporter asked Clinton one day. “Was Monica lying?”

Clinton responded by saying. “No, she was on her knees.”

Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am?

A: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.

Q. How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, they are too busy screwing the President.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?

A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What is Bill’s definition of safe sex?

A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?

A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

• Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.
• When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, “I don’t know. I never had one.”
• If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
• Chelsea asked her dad, “Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time…?” Bill Clinton replied, “No. Some begin with ‘After I’m elected…'”
• Clinton’s mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
• The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as “Walking Eagle” because he is so full of sh.. that he can’t fly.
• Isn’t putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?
• Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America’s finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
• Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, “Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else.”
• Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
• Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird? -the Spread Eagle
• As Air Force One prepares to land, the Captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: “Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?”
• Clinton’s team of advisors have offered the following defense…Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition! He told her to lie in THIS position….
• Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% said “Not again.”
• The Spelling Bee…Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were in a spelling contest. Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won! He was the only one of the three who knew that ‘harass’ was one word.

WITH CHARITY ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE

1. This epistle comes to you from Philippi. Grace be to you and peace. Spiritual gifts will be delivered unto you within four days of receiving this letter–providing you in turn send it on.

2. This is no joke. Send copies to whomsoever among the gentiles or superstitious peoples of other denominations you would comfort in all their tribulation. Do not send material things. Charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up.

3. While visiting the Household of Stephanas, a Macedonian proconsul received the epistle and was greeted by his brethren by a holy kiss. But he broke the chain, and now he is become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal

4. Gaius bestowed all his goods to feed the poor, and gave his body to be burned, but it profited him nothing. He failed to circulate the letter. However, before his death, he received the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.

5. Do note the following: Crispius had the gift of prophecy, and understood all mysteries, and all knowledge, and had all faith, so that he aould remove mountains. But he forgot that the epistle had to leave his hands within 96 hours, and now he is nothing.

6. In A.D. 37, the epistle was received by a young Galatian woman who put it aside to copy and send out later. She was plagued by various problems: thrice she was beaten with rods, once she was stoned, and thrice suffered shipwreck. On the last day of these occasions, she spent a night and day in the deep. Finally, she copied the letter. A trumpet sounded, and she was raised incorruptible.

7. Remember: Believeth all things, hopeth all things. The chain never faileth.

St. Paul

The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda,the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum.
This is what the manual said:

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another

3. Tuck your chin in.

4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.

5. Do not panic

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and – always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.

8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake’s mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake’s head.

9. Be sure you have your knife.

10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last
minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at
short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby
looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of
staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short
notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers
in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff
about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very
good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup
tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have
stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from
the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he
caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him
feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was
so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a
door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to
his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his
trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her
president whisper in a barely audible voice, “sack my cook”.

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

Q: What’s the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.