Category: politics

John F. Kennedy: “Ich bin ein Berliner” (I am a sausage)

Richard M. Nixon: “I am not a crook”

Ronald W. Reagan: “Mister Gorbachev, tear down this wall”

George H. W. Bush: “Read my lips”

William J. Clinton: “Suck my dick”

how did the gum get acrosed the road?

Have any of you heard how Al Gore lives a Christ centered life? He gave a
big speech about how his faith is so important to him. Well the funny part
is, he said his favorite Bible verse is John 16:3. Of course the speech
writer meant 3:16, but wasn’t familiar enough to catch the error. Well,
John 16:3 is, “And they will do this because they have not known the
Father or me.”

The Barber

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got
his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, “No
charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.”

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer
books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He
then asked how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider
it a service to the community.”

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and
a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked
how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a
service to the country.”

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators
in front of the door.

How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Four – one to hold the bulb, and three to drink till the room spins!!

Bill and Hilary Clinton were the guests of honor at the World Marching Girl
and Drum Majorette Championships in New York.
Hilary noticed that Bill had a smile on his face, so she said, ” Well honey,
what are you smiling at?”
Bill replied, “Honey, if I had another inch, I’d be pretty popular amongst
them Marching Girls.”

A big smile came across Hilary’s face. Bill said, “What are you smiling
about?”
Hilary replied, “Bill, if you had one inch less, you’d be out there marching
with them.”

Where does Bill Clinton have sex?

– In the oral office.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. The government fines you for illegally keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors pick someone through a vote to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you 2 cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate”.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep’s brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull which you use to breed the other cow as well as every other cow in the area. Then you start exporting sperm from the bull to emerging markets. After several years of expansion, your company issues an IPO to be listed on the NYSE. The SEC eventually intends legal proceedings against you and your spouse for insider trading. After a lengthy court battle, you are found guilty and sentenced to 10 years in prison, of which you actually serve 7 weeks. When you come out of prison, you buy 2 chickens. Then,….

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows’ milk back to the listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have 2 cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have 2 cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: Your have 2 cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongerism, intolerant past) 2 differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of unpecified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there’s like … these 2 cows, man. You got to have some of this milk!

SURREALISM: You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LIBERTARIANISM: Whatever.

A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on
display:

The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache.
Below the picture is titled “Got Milk”.

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white
mustache. It is entitled “Forgot Milk”.

The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a
white mustache. It is entitled “Not Milk”

This is off a Coast Guard Bumper Sticker:

Support Search and Rescue: GET LOST!

Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two–one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.

President Clinton said to Monica, “I didn’t tell you to lie in
deposition… I told you to lie in that position!”