Category: politics

Lighthouse: A tall building on the seashore in which the government
maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.

Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual
conquests was much more “impressive” (i.e. numerous) than the President’s?

Lyndon B. Johnson

Yo mama’s so dumb, her favorite color is clear!

Rush Limbaugh is being driven through the country and when he nears a farm, the chauffeur accidentally runs over a pig. Rush Limbaugh says that the chauffuer better go in and apologize and pay for the pig. The chauffuer is in there for 10 hours. When he comes out, Rush Limbaugh asks what happened and the chauffeur says, “Well, I went in and told them and the farmer gave me a feast and the mother and daughter gave me incredible sex for 7 hours!!” “Well, what did you say?!” cries Rush Limbaugh jealously. “Oh, I told them that I was Rush Limbaugh’s chauffeur and I’d just killed the pig.”

Bill Clinton got off his helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said “Nice pigs, Sir!”

The President replied “These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.”

The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, “Nice trade, Sir!”

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty
four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those
instances where it votes guilty.

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issues. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time He gets caught he first denies it all, then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don’t know what to do.

Signed:

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

Why don’t you move to New York and run for the Senate.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too.
Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was but wanting to be like their
teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with
the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because
I’m not a liberal Democrat.”
Then, asks the teacher, what are you? “Why I’m a proud conservative
Republican.”, boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy
why she is a conservative Republican.
“Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive
government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are
conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too.”
The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your
Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Lucy, “I’d be a liberal Democrat.”

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: “Our largest
condom factory has exploded!” the Russian President cried; “my people’s
favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!”

“Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their
power to help you,” replied the President.

“I do need your help,” said Yeltsin. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tie us over?”

“Why certainly! I’ll get right on it!” said Clinton.

“Oh, and one more small favor, please?” said Yeltsin.

“Yes?”

“Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10″ long and 4” in
diameter?” said Yeltsin.

“No problem,” replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and
called the President of Trojan. “I need a favor, you’ve got to make
1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia.”

“Consider it done,” said the President of Trojan.

“Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10″ long and 4″ wide.”

“Easily done. Anything else?”

“Yeah,” said the President, “print ‘MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM’ on each
one.

Q: What’s the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?A: The pit bull doesn’t carry a briefcase.

One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don
Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives.

Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person
in the world.

“That may be true”, said Sleeping Beauty, “But I am better because I am
obviously the most beautiful person in the world.”

Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must be the
greatest person alive simply because he had been with the most women.

After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru for the truth.

First, Hercules went into Guru’s cave. A few moments later he came out with
a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the
strongest person in the world. He was very pleased.

Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile: “It is true! I AM
the most beautiful woman in the world!”

Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave: “Who the
hell is Bill Clinton!!???”

14> Down With Feather-Filled Pillows!

13> God Bless the Separation of Church and State

12> Waiters Against Bussing

11> You’ll Pry My Cigarette From My Cold, Dead Fingers!

10> Winona Ryder Says: “Buy American!”

9> Asian Children Against Euthanasia

8> Amputees for Disarmament

7> Please Stop the Needless and Environmentally Damaging Waste of Ink and Paper Immediately! Really!

6> Hungary Supports the World Food Bank

5> Support the First Amendment or Shut the Hell Up!

4> PETA Says, “EAT ME!”

3> Lactose-Intolerant Incontinence Sufferers Against Cheez Whiz

2> Swingers Against Free Trade

1> TV Network Executives Against Cloning

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]