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15> Poll Results
14> Foreign Body Relations Sub-Committee
13> Stain of the Union on Dress
12> Executive Dribblage
10> One Less Stanford Tuition
9> That About Which Hillary Was Not Consulted
8> Friendly Fire
7> The Intern’s Nametag
6> Heir Force One
5> Results of Post-Erection Euphoria
4> Troop Pullout Lateral Casualties
3> Billy Jack
2> Leak from the White House Staff
1> Citizen Stain
What’s the difference between Ted Kaczynski and Monica Lewinsky?
Ted Kaczynski blows people up!
Politics: It all really just boils down to this:
Issue:
Criminals:
Democrats: Give them a Republicans: Give them the swift
The poor:
Democrats: Give Republicans: Give them the swift
End Democrats: Give Republicans: Give them the swift
Dictators:
Democrats: Give Republicans: Give them the swift
The uninsured:
Democrats: Give t Republicans: Give them the swift
*The cost:
Democrats: $9,000,000, Republicans: $29.95 (co
Twas The Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House,
All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse.
The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care,
In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair.
The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds,
While visions of perjury danced in their heads.
And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap,
Had just settled in for a long evening’s nap.
When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter
They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter.
When what to their wondering eyes should appear
But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer.
With a Presidential address, so lively and quick,
They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!
More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
“Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let’s forget about The Vixen!
On Barney! On Maxine! I’m no Richard Nixon!!!”
“From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all !!!”
And then the Republicans heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As they scratched their heads and were turning around
The resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound.
No longer was he eating from his humble pie,
While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky.
A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq,
It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.
His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the hair on his head was as white as the snow.
The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl f cull of jelly.
He was chubby and plump – a right jolly old elf,
And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves.
And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave them to know they had something to dread.
He spoke the right words and went straight to his work
Hard to believe that an Intern once called him “The Jerk.”
And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose,
By “Wagging The Dog,” up the polls he rose.
He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle,
Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile.
They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight,
“Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night.”
This is the FBI summary of a conversation that took place this week
between President Clinton and Ashley, a brand new intern in the
White House.
Ashley walked into the White House for her first day of her
internship and was greeted by the President. After a short tour of the
White House the President asked, “How would you like to see the
Presidential Clock?”
Ashley looked troubled and said “I don’t know Mr. President. I
have heard some pretty bad things about you. I don’t think that would
be a good idea.”
“Nonsense” said the President. “It’s just a clock.” Ashley
agreed and the President led her into the Oval Office where they were
alone. He closed the door, dropped his pants, and pulled it out. Ashley
gasped.
“Oh that’s not the Presidential Clock, that’s the Presidential
Cock!”
To which the President responded, “Ashley, honey, once you put a
face and two hands on it, it’s a clock!”
After seeing footage from the new movie “The Lion King,” I want to dedicate a movie to Bill Clinton. I’d like to call it “The Lion President.”
“What do you mean,” roared the politician, “by publicly insulting me in your old rag of a paper? I will not stand for it, and I demand an immediate apology.”
“Just a moment,” answered the editor. “Didn’t the news item appear exactly as you give it to us, namely, that you had resigned as city treasurer?”
“It did, but where did you put it? — in the column under the heading ‘Public Improvements.'”
15> Finally tell off that loudmouth weight lifter in the exercise yard.
14> Same as every other nutcase — blame the whole thing on MTV’s “Jackass.”
13> Take another crack at that damn “Hideously Unfair and Absolutely Biased Top5 Contributor Test.”
12> Speed reading!
11> Decide on last words: “I’ll see you in Hell, Will Rogers” or “Sorry, I don’t do drugs.”
10> Crochet another dozen baby blue afghans for the boys of Terre Haute.
9> In preparation for some serious ass-kissing, get that “Satan’s Bitch” tattoo.
8> Plot the violent overthrow of a corrupt government — at least until this damned prison makes a proper double latte.
7> Cancel date for New Year’s Eve.
6> Have the last laugh by officially changing name to “Poopie Farter,” resulting in hilarious headlines the next morning.
5> Cancel that subscription to Dangerous Loner Digest.
4> Leave care and feeding instructions for Mr. Jingles with warden.
3> Ask the guard if it’s not too late to change answers on the warden’s “How’m I Doin’?” comment card.
2> “Lethally inject” a case of Old Milwaukee.
1> Break down, cry like a little girl and wet my pants. Repeat hourly.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]From David Letterman and the Late Show…
Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesn’t Give A Damn
10. Called Russia asking if they need a new spy
9. When people whisper, “Your fly is open,” he says, “Yeah, I know”
8. Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera
7. If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, he’ll say “pancakes” just for the fun of lying
6. He’s no longer just fat — he’s now Hugh Rodham fat
5. “Tubby” is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay
4. Doesn’t even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore
3. Recently introduced Playboy playmate as “my lovely wife”
2. Refers to Chappaqua mansion as “the house that dirty pardon money built”
1. Sits in the back of Al Gore’s journalism class screaming, “Loser!”
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because that’s the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English people build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.
Why did “they” use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay!
Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that’s the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads?
The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts?
The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever.
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.
Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the “Bill Clinton Highway?”A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.
A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans.
Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Johnny says, “I’m not a John Kerry fan.”
The teacher says, “Why aren’t you a John Kerry fan?”
Johnny says, “I’m a George Bush fan.”
The teacher asks why he’s a George Bush fan.
The boy says, “Well, my mom’s a George Bush fan and my dad’s a George Bush fan, so I’m a George Bush fan!”
The teacher is kind of angry, because this IS Vermont, so she asks, “What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”
Johnny says, “That would make me a John Kerry fan.”