Category: politics

Q: What’s the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?A: A police lineup.

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.
March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.

That clears up a lot of things.

One of the nation’s largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, “Clinton Soup”, that will honor one of the nation’s most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water!

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: “I don’t know, I never had one.”

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
Chelsea asked her dad, “Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?”
Bill Clinton replied, “No, some begin with ‘After I’m elected’.”

Clinton’s mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as “Walking Eagle” because he is so full of crap he can’t fly.

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America’s finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.”

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason!

Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America’s best and brightest to the nation’s Capitol to help the “Head Man” do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!

Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:

* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!

* Get up close and personal with some of America’s movers and shakers!

* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won’t show you!

* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!

Sound like it’s for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:

“I couldn’t believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic.” -M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, CA

As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House a : [email protected]

Name:

Hometown:

Sex: F__

Age:

Measurements: (required for medical purposes)

How many beers it takes to get you…

…Giggly:

…Drunk:

…Hot:

…To lie to a federal prosecutor:

Quick quiz:

You’ve always considered the White House:

a) a monument to democracy

b) the place where great leaders meet

c) vaguely erotic

d) extremely erotic

Hillary Clinton is a(n):

a) model wife and mother

b) icon of late 20th century femininity

c) obstacle

d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world

You’ve always wanted to know more about the President’s:

a) Israeli policies

b) childhood in Hope, Ark.

c) romper room

d) “monument to democracy”

My social life as an intern would likely consist of:

a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns

b) reading, study

c) late nights working at the White House

d) late nights working the White House

Score

1 point for each a,

2 for each b,

3 for each c,

4 for each d.

Scores of 16 can start tomorrow.

Scores of 12 and above, please call soon. Uncle Sam wants you.

*Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.

I think therefore I am (not a Republican…)

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.

The old man looks at his son and asks…
“Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?”

The man curls his eyebrows and asks “huh?”
The old man gets up and says “wait right here.”

About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.

The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:

” Ok, here’s how it works…
If the boy grabs the beer he’s gonna be a drunk.
If he grabs the cards he’s gonna be a gambler.
If he grabs the bible he’s gonna be a preacher.”

The baby stares at the items for a moment.
He then reaches out and grabs all three items.

The old man shouts…
“HOT DANG SON – HE’S A DEMOCRAT!”

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican’s pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats.

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.
She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, “I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?”

He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, “What is her name?”

He answers, “Monica Lewinsky.”

There is a long pause, then his mother asks, “What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?”

President Clinton has vehemently denied that he told former intern
Monica Lewinsky to lie.

“What I actually said,” claims the President, “was to lie down.”

Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a
sudden, one yelled at the other, “You’re lying!”.

The other politician responded, “I know, but hear me out.”

20> After finally winning the war on terror, the administration
turns its sights on “people with disproportionately large heads and
rich, overbearing wives.”

19> Now it’s Cheney’s turn to live in the White House and Bush’s
turn to hide in the undisclosed location.

18> After seeing “Team America, World Police,” Bush vows to topple
North Korea’s puppet regime.

17> “I’d like to express my thanks to Senator Kerry and let him know
Laura found his candidacy inspiring.  She now has a few new
positions of her own.”

16> Military outsourced to Honduras to take advantage of cheap labor.

15> Bill O’Reilly joins the administration as Secretary of the
Ladies.

14> Michael Moore named ambassador to Iraq.

13> Bush forced to resign after it is revealed that Cheney’s new
heart was grown from a banned stem cell line.

12> Huge friggin’ parties this week at the homes of Jay Leno, David
Letterman, Jon Stewart and Conan O’Brien.

11> Smirking and nicknames both back on the “cool” list again.

10> As a reward to our men and women in uniform, the CIA turns up
solid evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Tahiti.

9> The Statue of Liberty is deported to France, from whence she came.

8> Bill Clinton joins Habitat for Humanity and is placed in charge
of nailing things.

7> The voices in George’s head tell him the time is right to invade
Canada.

6> Lower taxes for all high-income people, except documentary
filmmakers.

5> Vice President Cheney hardly makes the effort to not move his
lips anymore.

4> “Hey, I just remembered a mistake I made!”

3> Still buzzing from his aircraft carrier appearance, the president
decides to dress up like a fireman and ride in a real firetruck.

2> Bruce Springsteen receives his draft notice.

1> Continual sighs of despair centered in major cities accelerate
global warming.

            
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[   Copyright 2004 by Chris White    ]

A politician was speaking at a particular function and as usual was making promises and more promises. He was being heckled by a member of the audience who kept asking, after each promise, “When? When?”.After a while the politician couldn’t take it anymore so he asked the man if he was a farmer. The man said “Yes.”The politician the proceeded to ask the man “When you put a bull in a pen with a lot of cows, do you expect to get immediate results?”The man replied “No! However, I expect to see a lot of content faces in the morning.”