Saddam and Clinton

What might’ve happened:

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam’s chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he’s finally had enough, knowing that he can’t do much without them functioning well. “I’m going back home!” he tells the Iraqi. “We’ll finish these talks in two weeks!”

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton’s chair and prepares himself for the Yank’s revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

“Forget this,” says Saddam. “I’m going back to Baghdad!”

Clinton says through tears of laughter, “What Baghdad?”

Girl Talk

Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl
talks, and Hillary said to Janet, “You’re lucky that you don’t have to put
up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is
no telling where he last had his pecker.”

Janet responded, “Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that’s
“politically correct” for ugly) doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight off
unwelcome sexual advances.”

Hillary asked, “Well,… how do you deal with the problem?”

“Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I
muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can.”

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary
slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would
be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was
ready for him!

She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding
fart you could imagine.

Bill rolled over and asked, “Janet, is that you?”

Bill Clinton’s Favorite Things

(To the tune of “A Few Of My Favorite Things”
from the Sound of Music) Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and French fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things. Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while ‘way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things. Beating the draft board and getting
elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I’ve selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things. Golfing with Vernon and suborning
perjury,
Coming out fine after having knee surgery,
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things. Meeting with Boris and Helmut and
Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things. When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I’m feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Perfect Faith

A postal worker finds an unstamped, poorly written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it’s from an elderly lady, distressed because $100 of her grocery money has been stolen. She will be without food till the first of the month.

Concerned that the old woman would be hungry, the postal worker takes up a collection for her from his fellow co-workers, and comes up with $96. Then they have her mail carrier deliver it to her that very day.

A week late, the worker recognizes the same writing on another envelope addressed to God. He opens it to read:

“DEAR GOD,

THANK YOU FOR THE $100 YOU SENT ME. I WOULD HAVE GONE HUNGRY WITHOUT IT.

YOUR FAITHFUL SERVANT,

MARTHA

P.S. IT WAS $4 SHORT, BUT THAT WAS PROBABLY BECAUSE OF THOSE THIEVING BASTARDS DOWN AT THE POST OFFICE!”

Top Ten Times in History When the ‘F’ Word was Appropriate

10. ‘What the *&%# was that?’ – Mayor of Hiroshima, – August 1945

9. ‘Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?’ – Custer, 1877

8. ‘Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that.’ – Einstein, 1938

7. ‘It does SO *&%#ing look like her!’ – Picasso, 1926

6. ‘How the *&%# did you work that out?’ – Pythagorus, 126 BC

5. ‘You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?’ – Michelangelo, 1566

4. ‘I don’t suppose it’s gonna *&%#ing rain.’ – Joan of Arc, 1434

3. ‘Scattered *&%#ing showers…my ass!’ – Noah, 314 BC

2. ‘Aw c’mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?’ – Bill Clinton, 1997

1. ‘I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!’ – JFK, 1963