Category: politics

20> Green Eggs and Ham, Spotted Owls and Toast

19> Bob the Nationbuilder

18> Snow White and the Dozen or So Born-Out-of-Wedlock, Crack-Addicted, Soon-to-Be-Wards-of-the-State, Drains-on-Society Dwarves

17> Nancy Drew Too Much Welfare So We Cut Her Off

16> Curious George and the Mean Ol’ Stem-Cell Researcher

15> Global Warming, President Kerry and Other Fables From Fantasy Land

14> Bill and the Giant Impeach

13> Tom Swift and his Amazing Outsourcing Machine

12> Shoot the Bunny

11> Profits in Courage

10> Winnie the Pooh, the Killer Grizzly Whose Head Is Now Mounted Over a Fireplace

9> One Fish, Two Fish, My Fish, My Fish

8> How the Left Stole Christmas and Removed All Religious Meaning From It in the Name of Inclusiveness

7> Cliffordunov, the Big Red Menace

6> Billnocchio

5> Why Al Franken Hates You and Wants to Kill Your Puppy

4> Run, Ralph, Run!

3> Heather Has Two Mommies Who Are Both Going Straight to Hell

2> The Little Hybrid Engine That Couldn’t

1> Where the Wild Things Are II: This Time, We Have Very Credible Information

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Scene 1. A forest glen. Enter Witch Tripp and Kenneth of Starr.

Witch Tripp:
Double, double, Webster Hubbell,
I think I got the Creep in trouble.
Eye of Newt, strap of bra,
Could it be he broke some law?
Praise this broth utmost ephemeral,
Heavens! I left out my Essence of Emeril!
Hark! Who trespasses so near?
Kenneth of Starr: ‘Tis I, the Inquisitor. What news?
Witch Tripp: Things proceed with quickening speed, m’lord. The maiden
Lewinsky, so deeply embroil’d, is now join’d by the Lady Willey In like pursuit.
Daily tightens the noose around the king.
Starr: Would that it were so, but he hath good counsel, and more moves than a
chess board. His public, well pleas’d with good news of the economy, doth o’er
look much.
Witch Tripp: How may I serve you next?
Starr: I have need of acts damnable and facts verifiable. Else he may elude me
yet.
Witch Tripp: His dog Buddy, freshly neuter’d, may bear his Master harsh
reproach. He may consent to wearing a collar of our invention, to survey the
king at his ease. Dogs are much accustom’d to insects. What’s one more bug?
Starr: Good hag, I rely on you completely. I must away.
(Exeunt Tripp and Starr)

Scene 2. The King’s antechamber
Duke of McCurry: My Lord! I needs must speak with you most urgently! The
castle is assaulted on all sides!
Leer: What would I not give for an hour’s peace!
McCurry: An army of reporters is settled at thy gate. They are press in name
and press in deed, for they press me daily, nay, hourly for some explanation
from thy lips.
Leer: Who is there among them?
McCurry: Lords Jennings, Brokaw, Rather, Geraldo of Rivera and a hostof
others. Methinks I spied the van from Hard Copy.
Leer: You cut me to the quick. Do they not know that I am chaste?
McCurry: They insinuate that thou hast chased too often.
Leer: Never have lies been so artfully stack’d against a pure soul. Where is
Lady Hillary?
McCurry: Her secretary doth report that she is lock’d in her bath, saying over
and over, “Why can I not wash my hands of this guy?”
Leer: Oh cursed fate! I must be the most solitary mortal in all creation.
Never have I betrayed m’lady’s trust.
McCurry: Whatever.
(Enter Messenger)
Messenger: Good king, steel thy nerve. I bring a missive from Kenneth of
Starr, the Grand Inquisitor.
Leer: Was ever a man as Starr-cross’d as I? Why does this man conspire to
afflict me thus? My hand is unsteady. Read it to me.
Messenger: Let me see. He offers you his regards, blah, blah, blah, then doth
subpoena you to appear at his chamber at Friday next, to forswear again that
thou tookst no liberties with the wench Jones, who withdraweth not her claims
against you.
Leer: I have already so sworn!
McCurry: It would seem, m’lord, that the woeful tale of Lady Willey rekindles
old flames.
Leer: I kiss’d the woman on the forehead, as a sign of my regard. Never was a
king so expos’d!
McCurry: Truer words were ne’er spoken.
Leer: I cannot think on’t further. Leave me to my own counsel.
(Exeunt Messenger and McCurry)
Leer: To be forthright, or not to be forthright, that is the question. Whether
’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
or just bag the whole thing and teach law at a junior college.
(Enter Courtier)
Courtier: My liege, you are late for an appointed meeting.
Leer: What’s this?
Courtier: You were to interview a new assistant at the stroke of two. She
seems most capable, and with rare intellect for one so young and fair.
Leer: Well, tell her I will see her anon, and on, and on.
Courtier: A most clever jest, my king.
Leer: Let us not tarry further.
(Exeunt Leer and courtier. Enter Buddy, from behind a chair)
Buddy: So dearest reader, I bid adieu. Me seeth I have much to do. And so it
comes to this pretty pass to see if the king doth get some . . .class.

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans, and Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following problem.

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.

You are carrying a Glock and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat’s Answer:

Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me and not my family?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and gardening day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican’s Answer:

BANG!

Southern Republican’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click…(sounds of reloading).

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back,
complaining that the radio was not working.
“Madam,” said the sales manager, “the audio system in this car is completely
automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you
will hear exactly that!”
She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio
and said, “Nelson.” The radio responded, “Ricky or Willie?” She was astounded.
If she wanted Beethoven, that’s what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she
got it.
She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying “On The Road Again” when the light
turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle
coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying
attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.
“Idiot!” she yelled and, from the radio, “Ladies and gentlemen, the President
of the United States.”

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

2. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can’t do anything until he knows.

8. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

11. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven’t had any relief since.

12. Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

13. You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

14. I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

15. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn’t do me any good. If things don’t improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

16. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I need = I want
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious
by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever
think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I have a
severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting,
new furniture, new wallpaper…
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong
shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re
really going to hate
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d
better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk
him until he goes to sleep
I’m not yelling! = Of course I’m yelling, this is
important!

What a man says, what he really means…

I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have
sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have
sex with you
Would you like to dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex
with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex
with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to
fondle you
What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho
trauma are you going through now?
You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn’t even look
different!
I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any
freakin’ dress and let’s go!

Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and
it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark
until they mature into something you’d want to have with
dinner.

Dear Mr. Blix,
Welcome to Iraq! It is so good of you and your Weapons Inspectors to visit my
humble nation once again. My people are overjoyed to assist the totally neutral
and gloriously impotent UN in serving their American Masters. I realize that
many of you would much rather be touring the Third World for some magnificently
ineffective do-nothing NGO, but alas you are here compromising your values on
behalf of Western oil companies.

Before you wipe the blood from your hands and get down to the business of
concocting reasons for the US to bomb us back to the stone ages of 1991, I
thought I�d help reorient you to the ways of magical Baghdad with a few �Dos�
and �Don�ts�.

DO:
Slavishly patronize Baghdad locals with chocolate bars and worthless Western
baubles. Nothing ingratiates us more to intrusive throngs of chubby, sweaty,
lobster-red warmongers then when they pass out meaningless tchotkes to us Third
World �savages�. We will remember these tokens as we dance on your bleached
bones. I joke!

DO:
Ignore my playful peoples penchant for recreational HAZMAT suit use. Moreover,
ignore the glowing, three-tailed rats that are indigenous to Baghdad. While
you�re at it, ignore the totally desolate warehouse full of rotting canisters at
the corner of Saddam Is Great Avenue and Drown In Blood Yankee Dogs Boulevard.

DO:
Feel free to enter any building, factory, or hospital you desire. And while
you�re busy violating my paranoid and fragile egos sovereignty, feel free to
double-check the bedpans of the dying, gut the teddy bears of orphans, and pour
into the dirt any and all bottles of weapons grade baby formula you might
uncover.

DON�T:
Forget your high-tech Weapons of Mass Destruction Poking Sticks or Nintendo
Gameboys at the hotel. We know that without these useless, aesthetic �tools� you
cannot unearth the make-believe stores of plutonium I don�t have hidden
underneath my opulent Presidential Palaces that my people willed me to build for
my own noble pleasures.

DON�T:
Ignore the cultural relativism we know you studied in your Liberal Arts
Colleges. We humble Iraqis have a far different culture than the advanced West.
Whereas you respect the differences between languages, cultures and value
systems, I want to kill. Kill you, your family, friends, grammar school
teachers, the Israelis, whole bunches of Saudis and just for good measure, my
new yet treacherous-looking barber Adnan.

DON�T:
Mock our cherished Iraqi way of life. While you might think it barbaric and
backward, our seemingly brutal governmental system is based on sound fascistic
principles that have helped keep the majority of Arabs in splendid desolate
squalor for decades.

I truly hope your stay here is a positive experience. I pray that those of you
I do not like do not accidentally get caught in the crossfire of the invasion
you are busy inventing!

In Me I Trust,
Saddam

oh osama bin laden
you son of a bitch
may your balls develop
a 7 year itch
may your pecker be twisted
in such a manner
that your a****** whistles
the star spangled banner!

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What is Bill’s definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: “Honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes.”

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

“Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That’s bad news–they may
have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a
camel.”
– David Letterman
***
“The lie can be maintained only for such time as the State can shield the
people from the political, economic and/or military consequences of the lie. It
thus becomes vitally important for the State to use all of its powers to repress
dissent, for the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie, and thus by extension,
the truth becomes the greatest enemy of the State.”
– Joseph M. Goebbels
***

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?A: Because Clinton “invested” all the turkey.