Category: politics

One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives. Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person in the world.

“That may be true”, said Sleeping Beauty, “but I am better because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the world”.

Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must be the greatest person alive simply because he had been with the most women. After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru for the truth.

First, Hercules went into Guru’s cave. A few moments later he came out with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the world. He was very pleased.

Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile: “It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!”

Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave: “Who the hell is Bill Clinton!!???”

Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take
their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, “medium.”
Then the waiter said, “how about your vegetable?” Hillary replied, “Oh, he can
order for himself.”

Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.

Why did bill quit playing the saxophone?

To play his WhoreMonica

(Beverly Hillbillies melody)

Well dere once was a story ’bout a man named Bill;
Da poor president couldn’t keep his willie still;
Den one day he was workin’ at his desk,
When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest…

Boobs, that is. Two of ’em. Bodacious ta ta’s.

Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees,
Mouth open wide and as happy as you please;
Bill sez, “oh yeah now-don’t say a thing,”
“If you do a good job then we’ll have a little fling.”

Blow job, that is. Phalli osculation.

Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress,
He said, “Clean it up, ‘cuz you really are a mess,
And you’re invited here to dis fine locality,
To have a heapin’ helpin’ of little Willie C.”

Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff.

So week after week, Monica is on her knees
Keepin’ Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please,
But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far,
And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.

Bad girl, that is. Cigars. Bodacious ta ta’s.

Well it weren’t too long till we all knew the score,
’bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door;
Da country’s in da toilet and da people cry, “No More”
But if we oust da cheatin’ jerk, den we gotta live with Gore.

Boob, that is. Great big one. Head stuck up his rear.

So now ya know da story ’bout Bill our president,
Wonderin’ if dis fling’s gonna cost him every cent;
So da moral of da story is to do it quietly,
And stay outta trouble with dat broad named Hillary.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton get a new secretary?

A: He forgot where he laid the last one.

If you can read thisYou’re not from here

“We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one
year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter
of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders
say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate
caves.”

There’s a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.

Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy–Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, “I’m not a Bush fan.”

The teacher says, “Why aren’t you a Bush fan?”

Johnny says, “I’m a John F. Kerry fan.” The teacher asks why he’s a Kerry fan. The boy says, “Well, my mom’s a Kerry fan, and my Dad’s a Kerry fan, so I’m a Kerry fan!”

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, “What if you’re Mom was a moron, and you’re dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

Johnny says, “That would make me a Bush fan.”

10> As we aimed all those surgical strikes

At the target of all our dislikes,

We grew slowly aware

That Saddam’s facial hair

Was the lamest since, well, the Third Reich’s.

9> Saddam once had sensitive skin

And no hair on his chinny-chin-chin.

But his lip was pubescent,

A real fertile crescent,

Where follicles quickly grew in.

8> The dictator ruling Iraq

Grew a mustache all shaggy and black.

A little while later

He lay in a crater,

As vultures approached for a snack.

7> “Dad’s mustache exceeds any other!”

Cried young Uday to Qusay, his brother,

“It will always be there

Because thick facial hair

Is the one trait he shared with his mother.”

6> In order to set an example,

Hussein was the right guy to trample.

Now his bushy mustache

And a bit of eyelash

Are what’s left for his DNA sample.

5> Next to Hitler’s, it’s not trimmed as well.

More like Stalin’s, as best I can tell.

Lenin, too, might dispute

Saddam’s ‘stache was a beaut.

They can argue about it in hell.

4> Saddam cut a figure quite charming —

Stalin-like, but perhaps less alarming.

His lip was hirsute,

Which he thought made him cute.

It’s too bad that he wasn’t disarming.

3> Samson’s strength was dependent on hair.

Can Saddam Hussein’s mustache compare?

We could tell our troops: “Wait!

Spend a buck ninety-eight —

You can rub out the bastard with Nair!”

2> While Saddam grew his ‘stache with no trouble,

Not so lucky was Chuckie, his double.

Though Hussein in his wrath

Threw Rogaine in the Baath,

He could still hardly sprout more than stubble.

1> Saddam, now most likely “the late,”

Suffered one final, humbling fate:

His mustache ditched his lip

Like a rat from a ship,

And was seen crawling south t’wards Kuwait.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Amphibian American — frog.
Aquatically-Challenged — drowning.
Biologically-Challenged — dead.
Caucasian Culturally-Disadvantaged — white trash.
Certified Astrological Consultant — crackpot.
Certified Crystal Therapist — crackpot.
Certified Past-Life Regression Hypnotist — crackpot.
Chronologically-Gifted — old.

Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.