Category: politics

Kjell Magne Bondevik goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton.
After dinner, Bill says to Kjell ” Well Kjell, I don’t know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant.”
“How do you know?” asks Kjell Magne.
“Oh well, it’s simple”, says Bill. “They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second”. He calls Madeleine Albright over and says to her “Tell me Madeleine, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
Ah, that’s simple Mr. President”, says Madeleine, “it is me!”
“Well done Madeleine,” says Clinton and Kjell Magne Bondevik is very impressed.

Kjell Magne Bondevik returns to Oslo and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in Lars Sponheim and says: “Lars, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
Lars thinks and thinks and doesn’t know the answer. “Can I think about it a bit further Kjell ? May I let you know tomorrow?”
“Of course,” says Bondevik, “you’ve got 24 hours.”
Lars Sponheim goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team, but no-one knows the answer. 20 hours later, Lars is very worried – still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually Lars Sponheim says “I’ll ask Gudmund Restad, he’s clever, he’ll know the answer.” He calls Restad.
“Gudmund,” he says, “tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
“Very simple”, says Gudmund, “it’s me!”
“Of course” says Lars and calls Kjell Magne Bondevik.
“Kjell Magne”, says Lars, “I’ve got the answer: it’s Gudmund Restad”.
“No you idiot”, says Bondevik, “it’s Madeleine Albright”.

One cold, but sunny winter morning, Bill Clinton is out jogging in the park. He is running past a big pile of snow, when he notices something strange. In the snow, “Bill Clinton is an idiot” is written in urine.Furious, he hurries back to the oval room and contacts his Chief of Secret Police, asking him to solve the mystery. A few days later, Bill’s Chief of Secret Police returns. He tells Bill that their scientists have concluded their testing on the matter, and that there is good and bad news. “Well, give me the good news first,” Bill says. “The good news is, that it was Al Gore’s urine.” “That’s the GOOD news?” the President shouts. “What’s the bad news then?””It was Hillary’s handwriting,” the chief says.

Q. Why did Hitler commit suicide?

A. He got the gas bill.

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for

being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise

money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to

your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the

underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you

have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from

your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of

cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both,

shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce

the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the

size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon

images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years,

eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd’s

pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for

lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12

cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for

storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American

corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim

full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an

ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become

doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

“Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!”, she exclaimed.
“No”, said the genie, “You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.”

“Lets see,” says Monica, “I don’t need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.”

“And I don’t need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I’ll have all the money I could ever want.”

“I would like to get rid of these love handles, though.” “Yeah, that’s it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.”

Poof!, and just like that, her ears were gone!

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?A: Because they’re sending their turkey to the White House!

The capitalism is exploitation of humans by humans. Communism – in opposite!

“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have

was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse

with those people.”

— J. Danforth Quayle

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” — J. Danforth

Quayle

“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and

child.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.” —

Vice President Dan Quayle

“Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same

distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures

where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that

means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is

being very wasteful. How true that is.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean

in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I

didn’t live in this century.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and

democracy – but that could change.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,

and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

“May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.”

— The Quayles’ 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy,

though.]

“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.” — Vice President

Dan Quayle, 11/30/88

“We don’t want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.” — Vice

President Dan Quayle

“I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements

in the Future.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“The future will be better tomorrow.” — Vice President Dan Quayle

“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88

“People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions

and have a tremendous impact on history.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89

“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a

firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.” — Vice

President Dan Quayle

“Public speaking is very easy.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88

“I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.” — Vice President

Dan Quayle

“I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.” — Vice

President Dan Quayle

“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the

polls.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots

and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is

to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for

the killings? The killers are to blame.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having

it.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

“Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still

has a job next year.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92

“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” —

Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90

“For NASA, space is still a high priority.” — Vice President Dan

Quayle, 9/5/90

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our

children.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90

“The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan

Quayle may or may not make.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on

the mistakes we may or may not have made.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the

impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

“[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.” — Vice

President Dan Quayle

DEFINING SOCIETIES VIA THE OWNERSHIP OF 2 COWS

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate.”

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep’s brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there’s like . . . these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

“The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to
war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he’d like to help, but
he’s pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.”
– Conan O’Brien
***
Upon hearing of the vote in the U.S. House of Representatives confirming their
Ethics Committee recommendation to expel (now former) Ohio Representative
Trafficant on charges of graft and use of his office for personal gain, my
wife’s comment was: “Great! Only 524 to go!”
***

What do you call 50 goverment officials and 50 lesbians in the same room?

100 people who don’t do dick!

Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take
their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, “medium.”
Then the waiter said, “how about your vegetable?” Hillary replied, “Oh, he can
order for himself.”