Category: politics

“There are no permanent alliances, only permanent interests.”
– Lord Palmerston, 19th century British Foreign Secretary
***
One fateful day, Madeleine Albright walked into a NATO meeting. Seeing that
she was the only female in the room, she asked, “So, Gentlemen, shall we make
love or war?” The vote was unanimous.
***

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. “Will I be acquitted?”

Good afternoon. I’m Al Gore, and I’d like to tell you about myself.
I know a lot about hardship, because I came into this world as a poor black
child in a tiny town in the backwoods of Tennessee. I was born in a log cabin
that I built with my own hands. I taught myself to read by candlelight and
helped support my 16 brothers and sisters by working summers as a deck hand on a
Mississippi River steamboat.
My mother taught me the value of education, so every day; I would walk 5 miles
to a one-room schoolhouse. I was a mischievous, fun-loving scamp, thought I
never dreamed that one-day, my youthful escapades would serve as the inspiration
for “Huckleberry Finn.”
Back then, black folks in the south were second-class citizens. One day, a
traveling minister came through town, and I asked him if anyone was ever going
to do something to guarantee civil rights for all Americans. Well, I guess I
made an impression. You see, the minister’s name was Martin Luther King, Jr.
My father was a United States Senator. He once perched me on his knee and
said, “Son, if you work hard and listen to your mama, someday you can live in a
hotel in Washington, D.C., and go to an exclusive prep school.”
But life of privilege was not for me. After getting my high school diploma, I
took a job in a hot, dirty textile mill. I was so appalled at the treatment of
the workers there that I organized a union. Later, that experience inspired a
movie – which is why, to this day, my close friends at the AFL-CIO call me
“Norma Rae.”
When word got out what an 18 year old factory worker had done, Harvard called
and offered me a scholarship. I captained the hockey team to four consecutive
national championships, but I also played football and was good enough to win
the Heisman Trophy.
During my college years, I lived in a housing project and moonlighted playing
lead guitar for a little rock band. You may have heard of it-the Rolling
Stones.
But there was a war going on, and I felt I had to serve my country. So
I enlisted in the U. S. Army and went to Vietnam. I was deeply opposed to the
war, but I did my duty as a soldier and came back home with the Medal of Honor
and the Croix de Guerre.
When I got back, I took a long journey across this great land of ours. I’ve
crossed the deserts bare, man, I’ve breathed the mountain air, man, I’ve
traveled, I’ve done my share, man, I’ve been everywhere. And the people I met at
truck stops and campgrounds and homeless shelters on that journey all said the
same thing: “Al, we need you in Washington.”
I knew they were right, but first I had to take care of some other
business—building the World Trade Center, founding the Audubon Society, doing
the clinical research that proved smoking caused cancer, and coming up with the
recipe for Mrs. Field’s chocolate chip cookies.
Finally, I deferred to the demands of the people of Tennessee and allowed them
to elect me to the House of Representatives and the Senate, where I established
the US Strategic Oil Reserve. And then one winter day nearly nine years ago, for
no particular reason, I answered the call of the people once again and took the
oath of office as Vice President of the United States.
Since then, I’ve been part of the most successful administration in American
history. And, in my spare time, I invented the Internet. Many times Bill Clinton
has been pondering some grave decision and has asked me what to do. And when I
would give him my thoughts, he would invariable say, “Of course. That’s
brilliant. Why didn’t I think of that?”
During the darkest days of the impeachment battle, the president told me he
only wished he had listened when I told him to stay away form that dark-haired
intern. So after I decided to run for president, I sat down with him and asked
if he had any suggestions about how to conduct my campaign. And Bill Clinton
gave me a few simple words of advice-words I’ll never forget.
He looked me in the eye and he said, “Al, just tell the truth, it’s always
worked for me.”

Chubby Cheatin’ Hubby Biscuits ‘n’ Gravy Knee Pad Noogat Impeach-Mint Candy
Pants Hyperactive Nuts Chilly Hillbilly Vanilla Pistachio Subpoena Colada Horny
Bubba Crunch Peppermint Fattier Captain Cream Draft-Dodging
Pot-Smoking-Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl Scandal berry Chunky Monkey Double
Nut Joy Subpoenas ‘n’ Cream Chocolate Chip Doughboy Tubby Bubba Hillary Chiller
Fundraising Coffee Oval Office Surprise Arkansas Smoothie Arkansas Impeach
Impeaches-n-Creams

How do you slow down a fast Arkansas woman?

Put a governor in her!

An Israeli doctor said, “Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor said “That’s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.”

A Russian doctor said, “In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said “Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.”

English, french and russian soldiers are caught by nazis. they all are
sentenced to death. nazis lead them to the yard and ask if they have any last
wishes. the englishman says:
– a mug of beer.
he is brought a beer. the frenchman says:
– a bottle of wine.
he is brought some wine. the russian says:
– kick me in the butt real hard.
a big 2-meter tall nazi steps forward and gives him a real mighty boot. the
russian flies several meters, falls to the ground like a piece of s***, jumps to
his feet, grabs a machine gun from one of the nazis, shoots them down and then
the three prisoners run away. after a while the other two ask him:
– why didn’t you do that earlier? we were almost killed!
– we russians cannot do anything unless someone kicks our butt!

Bush and Blair are directly responsible for global warming ~they both spout huge volumes of hot air.

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, tells the teller that she has $5,000,000.00 in cash to be used to open an account. However, before she just hands over that much money, she would like to meet the man who runs things.
The teller calls the bank president, and arranges the meeting. The lady goes into his office, and after introductions are made, the bank president asks the lady how she came to have so much cash on hand.

The lady tells him that she’s an avid gambler. The bank president says “You must be the luckiest person that I’ve ever met, to win so much!” “No” replies the lady, “I will only bet on a sure thing, and since I am somewhat gifted with the ability to see the future, ALL of my bets are sure things.”

The bank president smiles and says “No, it must be luck madam. There is no such thing as a sure thing”. “I’ll prove it!” says the lady. She then closes her eyes and starts to hum softly for about 30 seconds. “O.K…I have looked into your future and I’m afraid there’s bad news. By 8:00 a.m tomorrow, your testicles will have changed shape and will be perfectly square.”

The bank president is starting to think this lady is nuts, so he tells her that he has no more time for this malarky and he would like for her to leave. The lady refuses, and proposes a wager. The man declines until the old lady says “Look, I’ll bet you $5,000.00 that by 8:00 tomorrow morning, your testicles will be square! What have you got to lose? You claim I can’t win – there’s no such thing as A sure thing…right?” By this the bank pres. is really starting to dislike this old broad, and not only would he enjoy teaching her a lesson, he could use the $5K. “O.K fine!” he yells “You got a bet!”.

“Wonderful!” proclaims the lady, “I’ll see you 1st thing tomorrow. Do you mind if my attorney accompanies me? I always have him present for wagers over $500.00.” The man replies “Lady, I don’t care who you bring, as long as you bring the money!”

That night the bank president has some strange dreams, and what the lady said is really starting to get to him. The next morning, he’s greatly releaved to see that everything is the same shape as always. He dresses, and goes to the bank where he finds the lady and a man waiting for him.

“Well” says the lady, “Do you want to have the money deposited into my new account, or do you have cash?”

The bank pres. smiles and replies “I feel bad doing this, but nutty old dames like you need to be taught a lesson sometimes, and I know that you can afford it, so it is you that must pay. You see, my testicles are the same shape they’ve always been. Not the slightest bit square.” “What!” cries the lady, “That can’t be!! I never imagined that it would come to this, but I won’t pay one cent until I’ve examined the testicles myself!”

The bank pres. blushes with embarrassment, but finally replies “Under the circumstances, I suppose that’s not unreasonable” and with that he drops his pants. The lady gets on her knees to grasp him, and her attorney screams “DAMMIT YOU OLD BAT!! YOU’VE DONE IT TO ME AGAIN!!” and he hands her $15,000.00 in cash.

At this point the bank president is completely lost. “What in the hell was that all about?” he asks. “Oh,” says the lady as she carefully puts the money into her bag “I bet him that I would literally have the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls before 9:00 this morning. So here’s the $5,000.00 that I lost to you, and please add the other $10,000.00 to my new account”

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.

The old man looks at his son and asks…
“Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?”

The man curls his eyebrows and asks “huh?”
The old man gets up and says “wait right here.”

About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.

The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:

” Ok, here’s how it works…
If the boy grabs the beer he’s gonna be a drunk.
If he grabs the cards he’s gonna be a gambler.
If he grabs the bible he’s gonna be a preacher.”

The baby stares at the items for a moment.
He then reaches out and grabs all three items.

The old man shouts…
“HOT DANG SON – HE’S A DEMOCRAT!”

Hillary: (H)ighly (I)nexperienced (L)eft-liberal (A)cademic (R)ighteous (Y)uppies

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one
is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man
answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as
a public service, each question is analyzed below, along
with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper
answer to this, of course, is: ” I’m sorry if I’ve been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are,
and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response
obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which
most likely is one of the following: a. Football. b. Golf.
c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you e.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by
Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what
I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response
is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in
order, “Yes, dear.”
Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads. b.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That
depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e.
Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an
emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn’t
call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin. c. A little
extra weight looks good on you. d. I’ve seen fatter. e.
Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me? Once
again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better
personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not
as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e.
Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-
win question.(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Lotus
and a Boat”).
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an
hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not – don’t you like being married? MAN: Of
course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry? MAN:
Okay, I’d get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a
hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN:
Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would
we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and
replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem
like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her
use my golf clubs? MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-
handed. WOMAN: – – – silence – – .