Category: politics

Why does Monica Lewinsky wear hoop earings?

For stirrups.

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, that’s
2.2 million, and with the customary 20 percent down, that’s $440,000, leaving a
mortgage of $1,760,000. Now let’s have a look at your financial statements.
Let’s see, Mr. Clinton, you are the president of the United States, of course,
and your salary is $200,000 a year. We recommend buying a house that costs no
more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be
looking for something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher?
And I see here that you’ll be out of a job in 16 months or so. What will you
do then? Open a library? In Little Rock? Arkansas? Wow. I bet that will be some
kind of moneymaker.
Mrs. Clinton, you’re running for Senate, right? Senators are paid $130,000
year-assuming, of course, she’s elected, so even with your pension you’re still
looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Maybe a nice center hall colonial.
Mrs. Clinton, you haven’t worked outside the house since 1991? But you did
some volunteer work, I see. You tried to overhaul the entire national health
care system? I see. But no one was interested? But you have other experience? I
see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. How about this
Whitewater Development
Corp.? It went bankrupt. And Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt. And Castle Grande?
Bankrupt, too. You actually did go to Yale you claim? A little bad luck with the
law, too, I see. Three of your business partners went to jail.
This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does, after all,
affect your ability to pay. Any problems in your marriage? No? Fine.
Let’s look at your assets: you owe $4.5 million Mr. Clinton? How do you expect
to pay that off? You’re hoping people will donate to a special fund? So
basically you’re relying on the kindness of strangers.
You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has got to be setting
you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the air fares. And she
wants to go to medical school?
Any legal problems? I see a $90,000 fine for perjury. I guess that rules out
putting your law degree to work. Say, how do we know you’re not lying on you
loan application? Of course it would look a lot better if you WERE lying.
Are there any other legal matters we should know about? Mrs. Clinton? You
don’t think she’s going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap.
But we’re not totally sure, right? That means there’s a remote possibility-note
that I say “remote” that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage
while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the feds, and while Mr.
Clinton is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock.
Let’s review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and the other one
soon will be. Your business partners are in jail. You have debts equivalent to
over 22 times your annual income that you’re hoping someone is going to come
along and pay. And a looming criminal indictment. Your tangible assets seem to
consist of an old Ford.
We�ll give you a call.

George Carlin Speaks Out…

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you’d better do it in English.
I’m not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.
I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.

I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven’t begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe it’s called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I don’t think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I don’t use the excuse “it’s for the children” as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn’t wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don’t pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
I’m neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American.
If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!

“We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today
the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an
unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood
was unhappy, wait ’til we deliver his mid-life crisis.”

The ant busts his tail in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm
and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

The New Liberal Version
The ant busts his tail in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter the ant is warm and
well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter.
Shivering, the grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why
the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and
starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up and provide pictures of the shivering
grasshopper next to a film of the ant in his comfortable home with a table
filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of
such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAAGB (The National Association of Green Bugs)
shows up on Night Line and charges the ant with “Green Bias” and makes the case
that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the
frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings
“its Not Easy Being Green.”
Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening
News and tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for
the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who
benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the
“Temperature Of The 80’s.”
Finally, the EEOC drafts the “Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act”
RETROACTIVE to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire
a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his
retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation
suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges
that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear
cases on Thursday afternoon between 1:30 and 3:00 PM when there are no talk
shows scheduled. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the
ant’s food while the government house he’s in, which just happens to be the
ant’s old house, crumbles around him since he doesn’t know how to maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant’s food,
they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of
Democrats announcing that a new era of “Fairness” has dawned in America.

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?” The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in
common?

They were both upset when Bill finished first.

What’s the difference between Monica Lewinski and a vacuum cleaner?

Mouthwash.

what do monica lewinskiy and a pop machine both have in common they both say insert bill here

20> Willy Wonka and the American-Job-Stealing, Child-Exploiting Overseas Chocolate Factory

19> Father-in-a-Nontraditional-Role Goose

18> Green Eggs, Ham and Guv’mint Cheese

17> How the Grinch Stole Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, the Winter Solstice or Your Preferred Non-Denominational, Politically Correct December Holiday

16> If Bullshit Could Fly

15> PETA and the Wolf

14> The Leonine American, the Alternative-Religion Practitioner and the Animal-Products-Free Wardrobe

13> Delirious George and the Stolen Election

12> The Fascist Republicans Stole My Cheese and Gave It to the Top 1% of the Wealthy

11> Where the Wild Things Are: A Night at the Kennedy Compound

10> The Little Boy Who Cried “Imminent Threat”

9> Mister Kucinich Eats All His Spinach!

8> The Berenstain Bears Go to California for Uncle Bear’s Wedding to Life-Partner Buford Bear

7> Nancy Drew and the Disappearing Weapons of Mass Destruction

6> Al Gore’s Pop-Up Book of Chads

5> You’re a Neo-Nazi Skinhead, Charlie Brown!

4> One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Mercury-Poisoned Fish Caught in an Illegal Tuna Net by an Evil Global Corporation

3> Babar Becomes a Piano!

2> George and the Giant Deficit

1> Heather Has Two Daddies, Three Mommies, Four Aunts Who Used to Be Uncles, a Leather-Clad Grandma and Several Cousins of Indeterminate Gender and/or Sexual Orientation

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

What’s Bill Clinton’s favorite flower?
Tulips.

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
‘Twas “Hail to the Chief”
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski