Category: politics

Seen on an Arkansas Car Bumper

“Honk, if you haven’t had sex with Bill Clinton”

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking,
when George W. said, “I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.”

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, “Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I’ll prove it to you.”

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
“Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I’m home,” said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, “See! That guy was really stupid!”

“No kidding,” replied George W. “There was a pay phone just around the corner…
You could have called instead?”

One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack, dies prematurely —
and goes straight to Hell. The Devil greets him, but says “I don’t know
exactly what to do with you. Of course you are on my list, so you will have
to stay — but you got here a little earlier than I expected and I don’t have
your room ready yet.”

The Devil thinks for a moment and says, “Tell you what I can do. There are a
couple folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you were. I can let one of them
go so long as you take their place. I’ll even let you decide who gets to
leave.”

Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and
surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

“No,” Bill said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think
I could be doing that all day long.”

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, over
and over again.

“No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks all day,” said Bill.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton�saw Jesse Jackson, lying on the
floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread
eagle position. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

His eyes widening in disbelief, Clinton grinned as he took in the whole
picture and said, “Oh yea, I know can handle this.”

The Devil nodded and smiled. “OK, Monica, you’re free to go!”

How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?

Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.

The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout “swim for it!”

The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and
go off to do another good deed.

A man parks his car in front of the main entrance of the Congress.
Inmediately, a member of the security team goes after him yelling,
“Sir! Sir! You cannot park in here! All the congressmen are about to go
out!”

The man replies, “Don’t worry! I have a good alarm in my car.”

Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped
up and yelled at the other, “What about the powerful interest that controls
you?”

And the other guy screamed back, “You leave my wife out of this!”

Monica didn’t get paid for working in the White House…she did it for a GAG!

The new favorite dish in the White House is the Clinton stew.
One weenie in hot water.

Clinton has given up the Saxophone…instead he’s learning how to play the
whore-Monica.

Bill: “I didn’t tell her to lie in the DEPOSITION…I told her to lie in THAT
there position!”

Bill Clinton accused Monica of not following the party line…He says she only
paid lip service to it.

Clinton hired Johnny Cochran for his defense. The new line is…”If she spit,
you must aquit!”

Mr. Clinton paid an unscheduled visit to a US Women’s Luge Team practice, just
before the team left for Nagano, Japan, shortly after hearing that they were
already lying on their backs.

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at
Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was
able to dodge it.

Hillary just hired a new White House intern … LORENNA BOBBIT!

Most people worry about getting AIDS from SEX.
Bill worries about getting SEX from AIDES!

The president got a dog so that Hillary wouldn’t be confused when she walked
past the Oval Office and heard, “Roll over, sit, stay. Good. Now here’s your
bone.”

Hillary’s new book: “It Takes A Village…”
“…To Satisfy My Husband”

I’ve heard there’s a new programming language out from University of Tennessee. It’s called Algor.There are some problems with it though. The syntax is very formal and inflexible. And it’s not a very powerful language either, since it won’t allow you to alter the operating environment. Its survival is also partially dependent upon an even slower and lower quality language called Blinton.Personally, I don’t think either will be around in four years.

16> Your daughter claims her scanty attire is a silent “anti-burqa” protest.

15> Multi-city panic results when reservoirs found to contain vast quantities of dihydrogen monoxide.

14> Tragically, our once-carefree lives are now forever burdened by the overwhelming seriousness of– Whoops, gotta go! “American Idol” is on!

13> Cameras once hidden discreetly in mascot costume’s head on shelf in women’s locker room now openly labeled “For Your Security.”

12> Thanks to the Patriot Act, the Man keeps hasslin’ me about having a freakin’ hot plate in my dorm room!

11> How else do you explain my many letters to Shania Twain coming back unopened?!

10> Your pickup line of “You’re the bomb!” now sends people running frantically toward the nearest exit.

9> Patriot Act fails to prevent Celine Dion from invading Las Vegas.

8> KFC now requires background checks and waiting periods if you ask for a friggin’ spork.

7> “Live, from Hoboken — it’s Saturday Night!”

6> America’s favorite pet is a canary in a carry-me-everywhere cage.

5> Mood rings now show only yellow, orange and red hues.

4> Alec Baldwin really *does* move to France.

3> Playing with bubble-wrap earns you a trip to Guantanamo Bay.

2> With the threat of random death now ever-present, “What the Hell?” 24-pack sales at Cinnabon are up 400%.

1> The FBI kicks in your front door when the kids watch their video of “Aladdin.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Great Thinkers of Our Time?

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
forever.”
— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that
but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
— Mariah Carey

“Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered
other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.”
— Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show, August 22

“I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.”
— David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part
of your life.”
— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”
— Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country.”
— Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.”
— Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
are the president.”
— Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.”
— Former French President Charles De Gaulle

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I’m just the one to do it.”
— A congressional candidate in Texas

“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots
and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is
to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.”
— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.”
— John Wayne

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
— Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

“Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.”
— General William Westmoreland

“It’s like changing the rules in the middle of the stream.”
— Rev. Jesse Jackson

“I don’t know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me, except
maybe everyone else in America.”
— President William Jefferson Clinton

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”
— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

“If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.”
— Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

And just last year, our boy Dan was quoted as saying that the Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running again…

The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of bonds:
1. The Al Gore bond, which has no interest.
2. The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity And…
3. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principal.

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night
when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his
driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had
happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the
car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his
clothes all ripped and torn. “What happend to you?” asked Bill. “Well, the
Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old
daughter made mad passionate love to me.” “My God, what did you tell
them?” asks Clinton. The driver replies, “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I
just killed the pig.”