Category: politics

For those who are complaining about how long the war is taking but:
�It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch
Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation.

�It took less time to find evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq than it took
Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.

�It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy
the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the police after
his Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick.

�It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida!!

Bill Clinton is jogging through the park…a hooker says, “Fifty dollars, Mr.
President.”

Bill says, “Five bucks!”

The hooker says, “Forget it.”

Later the same hooker sees Bill walking with Hillary and says, “See what you
get for five bucks?”

Q: What will you get if Clinton’s health bill passes?A: No Job.

Dear Bill: As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.

Jimmy Carter

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Dear Bill: OK, so I’ll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!

Gary Hart

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My Dear Chap: This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.

Hugh Grant

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Bill: They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitch done set us up!

Mayor Marion Berry

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Dear Bill: Look at the bright side. At least you weren’t caught wearing Monica’s thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I’m back on TV for the fall.

Marv Albert

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Dear Mr. President: You may have noticed that I’m not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon (note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, you’re not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn’t really sex.

Warm personal regards,

Newt

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Dear Bill: Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime.

Frank Gifford

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Dear Mr. President: Now I’m on the Supreme Court. I’m here for life! And there’s nothing anyone can do about it! So there!

Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas

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Dear Former Worthy Opponent: Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!

Bob Dole

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Dear Mr. President: I think it’s terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you’re welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I’ll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.

Michael Jackson

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Dear Fellow Sinner: Jesus forgives you and so do I.

Rev. Jimmy Swaggart

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Dear Bill: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Jim Baker

P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.

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Dear Bill: Next time (if there is a next time), don’t let them get you on tape. Big mistake!!

With sympathy,

Rob Lowe

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Dear Bill: If I survived wanting to be a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I’ll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don’t have a sense of humor)

HRH Charles Windsor,

Prince of Wales

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

“WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?”

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:
“I had a terrible time with Iran, so I’ve come for some courage.”

“No problem” says the Wizard, “WHO IS NEXT?”
Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain.”
“Done” says the Wizard.

“Who comes next before the Great Wizard?”
Up steps George Bush sadly, “I’m told by the American people that I
need a heart.”

“I’ve heard it’s true” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?”

And Willie replies – “Is Dorothy around?”

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President) are at
an
International Summit meeting in Paris.

They go to a restaurant, and the waiter asks ” L’apperitif?”
All of them answer “Oui!”

The waiter looks at Zedillo. “Le tequila?”
Zedillo: “Oui!”

The waiter looks at Yeltsin. “Le vodka?”
Yeltsin: “Oui!”

Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton. ” Le whisky?”
Clinton: “Don’t mention that bitch.”

One day, Clinton angrily called the White House interior decorator into the
Oval Office.

He said, “Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room
in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!”

“Yes Sir, Mr. President,” the interior decorator replies. “I’ll take those
mirrors out right away!”

An old, weak-sighted man watches TV and suddenly cries out:
“Gee! Mary, come up here! Look, what these bastards’re showing on TV!!!”
His wife comes from the kitchen, looks at the screen and says:
“You, old goat, put on your glasses. This is Fidel Castro eating a banana…”

Since the Clinton�s Got a Puppy,

*Accusations of crotch-sniffing at the White House no longer automatically
implicate the President.

*New “doggy door” makes it that much easier to sneak out for a midnight run to
McDonald’s.

*At long last, Bill won’t have to flinch *every* time he hears “Bad boy.”

*President no longer the only one accused of burying his bone in someone
else’s yard.

*Even more silly photo opportunities for the President on the White House
lawn.

*New, unwelcome presents under the Christmas tree.

*Obviously miffed Socks slips Kenneth Starr a note reading “Bil luvs Monika!”

*Shouts of “Come!” from Lincoln bedroom no longer make Hillary suspicious.

*Chelsea now has to share her room with more popular sibling when she comes
home from school.

*Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore’s daily to-do list.

*Roger Clinton no longer is the only one to piddle in the Rose Garden.

*Cries of “What a dog!” no longer make Janet Reno burst into tears at State
dinners.

*To the embarrassment of the trainers, dog still unable to tell Al Gore from a
tree.

*”Get that horny fur ball off my leg!” no longer refers exclusively to the
President.

What do Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky have in common?

He didn’t inhale and she didn’t swallow!

Dear Abby:
My husband is a lying cheat. �He tells me he loves me, but he as cheated
our entire marriage. �He is a good provider and has many friends and
supporters. �They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issues.
He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. � Every
time he gets caught he first denies it all, then he admits that he was
wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long,
everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don’t know what to do.
Signed: Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:
Why don’t you move to New York and run for the Senate?

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy: “I’ve got another dress for you to clean.”

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, “Come again?”

“No,” says Monica. “Mustard!”