Category: politics

“There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel
persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel
like a woman in their country.”

How many Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb at the White House?

None…They are too busy screwing the president!

Why does Bill drink so much coffee?

So he can stay up for long hours, to satisfy the needs of his staff!

The money clip of the 90’s will be a penny stuck in a paper clip.

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so he teacher asked him about his father. “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and do nasty things with him for money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?” “No,” said David, “He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.”

Capitalism – He who dies with the most toys, wins.

Hari Krishna – He who plays with the most toys, wins.

Judaism – He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.

Catholicism – He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Anglican – They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox – No, they were OURS first.

Branch Davidians – He who dies playing with the biggest toys,
wins.

Atheism – There is no toy maker.

Polytheism – There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism – The toys made themselves.

Church of Christ, Scientist – We are the toys.

Communism – Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go
straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.

B’Hai – All toys are just fine with us.

Amish – Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

Taoism – The doll is as important as the dumptruck.

Mormonism – Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.

Voodoo – Let me borrow that doll for a second.

Hedonism – Screw the rule book! Let’s play!

Hinduism – He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.

7th Day Adventist – He who plays with his toys on Saturday,
loses.

Church of Christ – He whose toys make music, loses.

Baptist – Once played, always played.

Jehovah’s Witnesses – He who sells the most toys door-to-door,
wins.

Pentecostalism – He whose toys can talk, wins.

Existentialism – Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism – Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no
longer dry.

Non-denominationalism – We don’t care where the toys came from,
let’s just play with them.

Agnosticism – It is not possible to know whether toys make a
damn bit of difference.

When Lyndon Johnson was running for congress he called
his opponent a “pig f**ker.”

Lyndon’s campaign manager said, “Lyndon, you know he doesn’t do that!”

Johnson replied, “I know that, but I want to make him deny it.”

Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts, and a Marine were hiking through the
jungle …
… one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to
the village and brought before the chief.
The chief said, “I am familiar with your western custom of granting the
condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last
requests?”
Dan Rather said, “Well, I’m a Texan; so I’d like one last bowlful of
hot, spicy chili.”
The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather
ate it all and said, “Now I can die content.”
Jesse Jackson said, “You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my
work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing “We
Shall Overcome” one last time.”
The chief said, “Go right ahead, we’re listening.”
Jackson sang the song, and then said, “Now I can die in peace.”
Cokie Roberts said, “I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday
someon will hear it and know that I was on the job ’til the end.”
The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts
dictated some comments. She then said, “Now I can die happy.”
The chief turned and said, “And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?”
“Kick me in the ass,” said the Marine.
“What?” said the chief. “Will you mock us in your last hour?”
“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,” insisted the Marine.
So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from
his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to
his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire.
In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just
shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?”
“What!?” said the Marine, “And have you liberals call ME the aggressor?!?”

Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says “Hillary, I know you’re ‘somebody’ down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person. And, I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.”So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can’t help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.When St. Peter returns she asks “What’s the deal with the clocks?”St. Peter replies “There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth.”Hillary asks, “Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?”St. Peter replies, “That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery.”Hillary asks, “Well, is my husband’s clock on the wall?”St. Peter replies, “Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan.”

Q: Why is Bill Clinton’s economic plan called positively atheist?A: Because it hasn’t got a prayer.

Bill Clinton is jogging around and tells a Secret Service man, “I can’t wait
to get back to the White House so I can rip Monica’s panties off!” The
serviceman replies, “Aren’t you a bit frisky sir? Bill says, “Nah..they’re
just riding up my crack!”

Hillary and Bill were on vacation one weekend, and decided to go for a drive to see the beautiful countryside. After awhile, they needed to stop for gas. They pulled into the tiny gas station, and out walked a man to help them. Hillary looked up and screamed at the top of her lungs, “Oh my God! Charley? Is that you? I can’t believe it!”

She lept out of the car and gave the man a big hug, and proceeded to talk with the man for a long time. After they were finished talking, they hugged again, and Hillary got back in the car. As they were driving away, Bill turned to Hillary and asked “Honey, who was that?”

“That was Charley, an old boyfriend of mine,” she responded. “We dated for a long time, and almost got married.”

“Oh.” said Bill. “Well I guess you’re glad you married me instead.”

“Why do you say that?” asked Hillary.

“Because he’s only a gas station attendant, and I’m the President of the United States.” exclaimed Bill.

“I don’t see how that has anything to do with anything.” said Hillary. “If I would have married Charley, he would be the President.”