Category: politics

What’s the difference between Mark McGwire and Bill Clinton?

Clinton only made it to third base

The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 words.

However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today. There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions.

Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print. The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year.

Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth. Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.

American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.

The IRS employs 114,000 people; that’s twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI.

60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return.

Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family’s income; that’s more than for food, clothing and shelter combined.

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes… And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney….

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family… Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men… and the sheep are scared

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington’s ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” “Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. “Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom. Clinton didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. “Go to the theatre.”

14> Due to budget cutbacks, you now carry a “Learner’s Permit to Kill.”

13> Turns out the ejector should go under the *passenger* seat.

12> You’re unsure what to make of sudden arrival of moose and squirrel.

11> 43 thumbnails of you on nudedoubleagents.com.

10> As evil henchmen pursue your Aston Martin down a winding mountain road, you suddenly realize you don’t know how to drive a stick.

9> Note found under your windshield wipers reads, “All your listening device are belong to us!”

8> No hot babe waiting for you at the airport makes you think that maybe Moscow, Texas wasn’t where you were supposed to go.

7> “Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to walk back and forth touching the squares as they light up.” (Oops! That’s a sign your mission is in “Wheel Of Fortune.”)

6> The little old guy that makes those cool gadgets got fired, and swore the company would “rue the day.”

5> Turns out your seductive secret contact is really *Matt* Hari.

4> An audible third-party snicker breaks up your phone conversation about “issile-may ans-play.”

3> Chinese officials cracked your code by blotting out the words “in bed” from the end of every sentence.

2> Shuttle launch to invade enemy space station delayed by some scrawny bald Californian demanding to go up with you.

1> After staking out that international business for weeks, all you’ve learned is that the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Breakfast isn’t served after 11.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

Q: What’s Clinton doing to make Americans happy?A: If you’ve paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family–you’re happy.

You’ve ever called education a luxury.

“They are Drawing Up Lists of Tax Increases and Cuts in Entitlement Programs. One Target: Big Corporations”

One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.

He was very furious and said, “Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!”

Yes Sir, Mr. President,” the interior decorator replies.
“I’ll take those mirrors out right away!”

what loses their head in the morning and gains one at night?

a pillow!! ha ha ha

Here is a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but it may
be interesting deciding what you would do.
The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress.
Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised, and infrastructure
destroyed. Let’s say you’re a photographer out getting still photos for a news
service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. If you were
to stumble across Bill Clinton struggling to keep from being swept away in a
raging river and you had a choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer
prize-winning photograph of the death of a President, what shutter speed would
you use?

Why does Clinton were underwear?
To keep his ankles warm!