Category: politics

You scream “Dit-dit-ditto” while making love.

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The Lord spoke to Noah and said, “Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.” And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

“OK,” Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, “I’m your man.”

“Six months and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!”

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

“Noah!” shouted the Lord, “where is My ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark’sconstruction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system.”

My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.”

“Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the Ministry of Natural Resources that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn’t let me catch them, so no owls.”

“Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.”

“Just when the suit got dismissed, Environment Canada notified me that I couldn’t complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.”

“Then, the Conservation Authority wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!”

“Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission over how many minorities I’m supposed to hire.”

“Revenue Canada has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the province that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don’t think I can finish the ark in less than five years.”

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you are not going to destroy the world?” he asked hopefully.

“No,” said the Lord, “the government already has!”

Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who’d land first?A: Who cares!

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly
gates.
There, he was greeted by George Washington. “How dare you attack the
nation I helped conceive!” yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry came up from behind: “You wanted to end the American’s liberty,
so they gave you death!” Henry punched Osama in the nose.
James Madison came next and said, “This is why I allowed the government to
provide for the common defense!” He took a sledgehammer and whacked Osama’s
knees.
Osama was subject to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe
and 67 other people who had the same love for liberty and America.
As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate
where he was to be judged.
As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed,
“This is not what I was promised!”
An angel replied, “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you.
What did you think I said?”

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, “I’m not very busy today, why don’t you let me show you around?” The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.

St. Peter shows him all the sights – the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, “What’s up with these clocks?”

St. Peter explains, “Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.” The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, “Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.”

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, “What’s the story with that clock?”

“Oh, that,” St. Peter replies, “That’s President Clinton’s clock. We decided to use it as a fan.”

Why did George Bush always say ‘Read My Lips’?

Because he was lying right out of his ass.

Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want. He leadeth me beside the still factories, He maketh me to lie down on park benches, He restoreth my doubts about the Republican party, He guideth me onto the paths of unemployment for the party’s sake. I do fear the evildoers, for thou talkst about them constantly. Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy deficit spending They do discomfort me. Thou anointeth me with never-ending debt, And my savings and assets shall soon be gone. Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me, And my jobless children shall dwell in my basement forever.

[Post 1994 Election aftermath]I hear that thousands of rafts overflowing with Democrats are washing up on the shores of Cuba.

At a recent interview, it seems that Bill Clinton broke out in rage after being asked a line of questions about him being controlled.Interviewer: “Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests control you?”Clinton (visibly upset): “You leave Hillary out of this!”

George Carlin Speaks Out…

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you’d better do it in English.
I’m not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.
I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.

I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven’t begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe it’s called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I don’t think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I don’t use the excuse “it’s for the children” as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn’t wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don’t pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
I’m neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American.
If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!

The president of a certain country went to the interior of that country where
there was no electricity, poor roads, and no form of telecommunication, to give
his campaign speech. The people spoke a different dialect to the native one.
“We, the ruling party,” said the president, “promise to provide electricity
for the entire district.”
Upon hearing the president’s words, the people cheered, “Fombre!”
The president continued, “Not only will we provide electricity to the
community, but we will also be installing telephones and telephone lines, and
this will commence shortly.”
Again, shrieks of “Fombre” was heard, as the president anxiously awaited the
resumption of his speech.
“We have given careful thought to the repair of the roadways so as to
facilitate better means of transportation and have allotted sufficient finances
for the successful execution of this venture.”
Shouts of “Fombre!” filled the air, as the president continued to lay it down
with his words.
After the speech, the president, with a content grin on his face, walked
through the grassy terrain with his bodyguards, his interpreter, and a few of
the officials.
One of the officials, seeing a pile of horse’s dung in front of the president,
cried out, “Mr. President, don’t step on that! That’s Fombre!”