Category: politics

What did the FBI find in the pocket of Monica Lewinsky’s dress?

A wad of Bill’s.

Bill Clinton . . . a good reason not to root for anyone playing Arkansas.

The FBI recentley overheard a phone call from Saddam Hussein to Monica
Lewinsky: “I told you to blow him away, not to blow him!”

Gary Condit looks up from his desk to see one of his aides nervously approach him. “What is it?” yells the Congressman.

“It’s this abortion bill, Mr. Condit. What do you want to do about it?” the aide asks.

“Just go ahead and pay it,” responds the Congressman.

Bill Clinton finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and out comes a genie.
The genie gives Bill one wish.

Bill pulls out a map with many red marks on it
and says “I’d like peace in these areas.”

The genie says “You are asking too much of me.
Even I can’t bring peace to all these areas.”

Bill says “Ok. Well just make Chelsea beautiful.”

And the genie says “Let me see that map again.”

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying
to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides
to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to
catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing
everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit
had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The
bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

“It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin
Laden’s organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually
show the sand fleas are leaving his beard.”

Q: What is Clinton’s favorite war song?A: “Over Here”

The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with our money!

A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political differences.
Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table. “You’re lying!” he
shouted.
“Of course I’m lying,” the other said, “but hear me out.”

A little boy wanted $100 so badly that he prayed for two weeks. But nothing happened; so he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to “GOD, USA”, hey decided to send it to President Clinton. Bill was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill.
The little boy was delighted with the $5, and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read; “Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had it sent through Washington, DC, and as usual, those guys deducted $95.”

Somewhere in America this week the following conversation is taking place:

Dad – Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son – What’s up, Dad?

D- There’s a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

S- I don’t believe, if I understand the definition of “scratch the car”, that
I can say, truthfully, and that I scratched the car.

D- Well, it wasn’t there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no
one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

S- Well, as I’ve said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car.
While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

D- But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the
mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out
to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I’ll ask you, yes or no, did
you scratch the car?

S- Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you
see, I understood you to mean did “I” scratch the car. I stand by my earlier
statement, that I did not scratch the car.

D- Are you trying to tell me you didn’t drive the car into the mailbox?

S- Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I
mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the
mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

D- So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

S- No sir, that’s not my statement. I’ll refer you back to my original
statement that I did not scratch the car.

D- But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result
of this contact?

S- Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

D- So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

S- No. No, that’s not correct. Your question was “Did I scratch the car?”.
From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I
did not scratch the car… the mailbox did… I was merely present when the
scratching occurred. So my answer of No” when you asked “Did I scratch the car”
was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

D- Son, you are such a slick talker you’re either gonna wind up as a lawyer or
President….