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A doctor, an architect and a polotician were arguing over the oldest profession in the world.
The doctor said it was his job because Eve was created from Adam’s rib, a surgical procedure.
The architect said it was his job because before that there was chaos and the world was made from this chaos with an architect.
Then the polotician said “And who do you think caused all this chaos?”
A woman went to her doctor for advice . . .
. . . She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for
anal sex, and she wasn’t sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, “Do you enjoy it?”
She said that she did.
He asked, “Does it hurt you?” She said no.
The Doctor then told her, “Well, then, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t
practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get
pregnant.” The woman was mystified.
She asked, “You can get pregnant from anal sex?”
The Doctor replied, “Of course. Where do you think democratic politicians come
from?”
Q: What do you get when you combine the Pillsbury Doughboy and Raggedy Ann?
A: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
You might be a Republican if…
You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend”
You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches.”
You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Honey.”
You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”
You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit…
You scream “Dit-dit-ditto” while making love.
You’ve argued that art has a “moral foundation set in Western values.”
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
You’ve ever said “Clean air? Looks clean to me.”
You’ve ever referred to Anita Hill as a “lying bitah” while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
You spent MLK Day reading “The Bell Curve.”
You’ve ever called education a luxury.
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
You own a vehicle with an “Ollie North: American Hero” sticker.
You’re afraid of the “liberal media.”
You ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition dictates….”
You’ve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
You think all artists are gay.
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society.”
You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes.
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, “My son’s choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!”
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy’s testicles and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
“Thank you! Thank you!” the father cried. “Are you a paramedic?”
“No,” replied the man. “I work for the IRS.”
The FBI will conduct DNA tests on a blue cocktail dress worn by Monica
Lewinsky to determine whether it contains semen stains that could corroborate
claims by the former intern that she had sexual relations with President
Clinton…… Proving that Clinton might be a “trickle down” politician after
all.
A few days before he left the presidency, Bill Clinton called George W Bush and said, “It’s time I took you to our most top secret military installation.”
As they were flying across the country on Air Force One, Clinton told his successor, “As you know, nuclear war is an unacceptable option. So we’ve been forced to come up with other ways to stop enemy aggression. Since AIDS can’t be cured, we decided to use it as a weapon.”
“What do you mean?” Bush asked.
“I’ll show you when we land,” Clinton said.
Soon they landed in a remote section of Montana. Clinton escorted Bush into a large, heavily guarded compound, then took him into the first building. Bush saw a group of gorgeous women parading around in scanty lingerie and asked, “What are they doing?”
Clinton said, “All of them have AIDS. If we’re threatened by a European or South American country, we’ll send them in so they can sleep with country’s leaders and neutralize the threat.”
Bush nodded. In the next building, he saw a group of very effeminate teenage boys. Clinton explained, “When these boys got AIDS, we made them eunuchs. If we’re threatened by China, we’ll send them in to satisfy the desires of the Chinese leaders. They’ll be infected, and the crisis will be averted.” Bush nodded.
They entered the largest of the three buildings, and saw a huge group of adult men cavorting around on all fours. Bush said, “What are these guys doing?”
Clinton said, “These men will serve their country if there’s another crisis in Iraq, Iran, or anywhere else in the Middle East.”
“I don’t understand. Why are they on all fours?”
“Because,” Clinton said, “we have to send them in disguised as camels.”
What did Clinton say when commenting on Monica?
She has the whitest teeth I’ve ever cum across.
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, “Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?” My reply will be, “No, just sensible.”
8. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”.
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me — I’ll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy’s death look like an accident: I’m not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn’t believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word “mercy”; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he’s caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
Don’t steal… The government doesn’t like competition!
Does anybody know the Washington Post’s code name for their Clinton
insider-news source?
I’m pretty sure it’s not “Deep Throat” …
Q: How can you tell that President Clinton is sure he’s going to be re-elected?
A: He started dating again!
Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White House with a plane was insane?
A: Apparently he thought President Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.
Q: What did Bill Clinton say when asked about the campaign promises he broke?
A: “They seemed kinda like marriage vows.”
Q: What was Bill Clinton’s favorite part of the Olympics?
A: The Opening Ceremonies because it was the only time he could be around an old flame and not have to dodge allegations.
After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference and announced that they had a very successful conference and had agreed on about 60% of what they discussed. When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied: “The Ten commandments.”
Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
A: He has no class and no principals.
Q: Why aren’t Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.