Category: politics

Judge: “It seems you have been coming up to me in this court for the past 20 years.”

Prisoner: “Yes, judge, and you have been a big disappointment to me. I was sure you would be governor by now.”

Did you hear that Monica got honorable mention in her high school yearbook?
She was voted most likely to succeed.

What is Bill’s idea of safe sex?
A locked door.

Clinton still maintains he was not lying…He was standing and she was
kneeling.

Did you hear about President Clinton’s award nomination?
It’s for the 1998 Nobel PIECE Prize!

Why is President Clinton waiting to tell his side of the story?
He wants Marv Albert to do the interview.

The most recent reports of the stain on Monica’s dress have been released.
This whole thing seems to be a vast right-hand conspiracy!

What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?
“Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door.”

Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours?
Clinton was showing her the proper way to take “dic”tation.

In a surprise interview, Monica was asked about the details of her late night
meetings with the President……”I can’t remember the details, she said,but I
know the answer is on the TIP of MY tongue!”

The White House announced today that from now on Bill Clinton would not be
worrying about international affairs. Instead he would focus all his attention
to what he is really good at : extra-marital affairs!

In a survey of American women, when asked, “Would you sleep with President
Clinton?” 86% replied, “Not again.”

There are a lot of folks that can’t understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.

Well, here’s the answer: It’s simple. nobody bothered to check the oil.

Didn’t know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical.

All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma,
and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

Two men were running for a seat in their state senate. The two men had just
finished meeting for lunch in a restaurant.

Said the first man “I’m going to win the election because I put in the
personal touch, for example, I left the waiter a ten dollar tip so that he would
vote for me.”

“Thats nothing,” replies the seconded man to the first, “I left the waiter a 5
cent tip, and told him that I was your campaign manager.”

Some Politicatl Quotes as collected in “They Said That!” by Larry Engelman Like we say in Texas, if goofy ideas ever go to $40 a barrel, I want the drilling rights to Dick Armey’s head. Clinton advisor Paul Begala, 1998 If Jerry Brown is the answer, it must be a very peculiar question. Sen. Lloyd Bentsen, 1992 This is Jerry Brown. Thanks for calling. And please do everything you can to assist and be an active member in the insurgent campaign to take back America. To speak to a live human being, dial zero. — Taped message on the Jerry Brown for President office phone in Santa Monica, Calif., 1992 She’s not my type, let’s put it that way. She wouldn’t pass the test. Yes, the Bono test. Sonny Bono, on Hillary Clinton, 1995 This year’s elections are like a horse race. They end up exactly where they started. And when they’re done, manure is everywhere. Jay Leno, 1994 Many Americans would like to see the front ends of horses sent to Washington for final assembly. Humorist Argus Hamilton, 1996 This town is in a panic mode. There is too much negative negabobbing. Alexander Haig, 1990 There’s cuts in both NASA and Medicare that Gingrich was proposing… 30% of Medicare costs are incurred in the last year of life, and NASA spends billions on astronaut safety, so my idea was to shoot the elderly into space. Comedian and author Al Franken, 1996 He could easily become a singing Dan Quayle. Political consultant Harvey Englander on Sonny Bono, 1993 There they are. Look at them — See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Evil. Bob Dole, on being shown a photograph of ex-presidents Carter, Ford and Nixon, 1981 Close the door. She’ll be in here for a while. Bill Clinton, to Secret Service Officer Lewis Fox, who was posted outside the Oval Office, after Monica Lewinsky arrived for a presidential visit, 1995 Marijuana? Cocaine? I’m not going to talk about what I did as a child. George W. Bush, 1999

Knock, Knock
Who�s there?
I know it was you.
Crap.

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
A talking pig.
Pigs can�t talk.
Neither can penguins, but I can�t shut him up! Wait till you get a load of the
dancing candelabra�

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
You want to buy a kitten?
You want to buy a kitten who?
Make pretty pet.
I�m allergic to cats.
Taste good, too?

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
You sure you don�t want buy a little kitten?
Yes, I�m sure.
Could make one cute fuzzy glove?

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
Ted Bundy
Ted Bundy who?
Let me in, meat!
No!
I mean� Hello I am Santa Claus.
Yay! Santa!

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
A Predator drone-launched Hellfire missile.
Saddam, I think it�s for you!

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
Gandalf the Gray Wizard, friend to hobbits and elves!
Dork-ass loser.
Don�t hit me! Don�t hit me!

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
My mouth is full of spiders.
My mouth is full of spiders who?
I didn�t kill the baby. It was made out of popcorn. Popcorn baby! I need a
bucket – my knuckles are melting�
Man, you have got to lay off the cough syrup.

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
Hitler
Hitler who?
Hitler: German, dictator, mass murderer. Little mustache? One testicle? �HEIL
ME!� Ring a bell?
I thought you were someone else.
How is that possible? There is only ONE HITLER!
Nope. Went to school with a Nelson Hitler.
You�re just trying to annoy me now.
Do you really have just one testicle?
You�d think I miss it, but I don�t

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
What, and that makes you special?

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
Some.
Some who?
Someone telling you knock, knock jokes.

Why doesn’t Chelsea Clinton have any brothers or sisters??

Because Monica swallowed them all!

Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly, and says, “I had a terrible timewith
Iran, so I’ve come for some courage.” “No problem,” says the Wizard.”Who’s
next?”

Ronald Regan steps forward and says, “W-well, w-w-well, Ineed a
newbrain..” “Done,” says the Wizard. “Who comes next before the
GreatWizard?” Up steps George Bush with a sad look on his face.”I’m told
by the American people that I need a heart.” “I’ve heard that it’s true”
says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

Then there is a long silence…….Bill Clinton is just standing
there looking around, but hasn’t said a word. This irritates the Wizard,
and he speaks with a loud voice, “What brings you to the Emerald City?” To
which Clinton replied, “Umm, is Dorothy around?”

Bush at the Wheel
Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of this incident… Back in
his party days, Dubya got behind the wheel after a few too many. He
started the car and stepped on the gas. He was driving for a while, when
suddenly a white ghost face appeared in the window. George saw it and
began screaming. He stepped on the gas harder, but the face floated right
in the window. George floored it – the speedometer read 110mph but the
face did not disappear. A white hands gestured for him to roll down the
window. Not knowing what else to do, he rolled it down slowly. The
wrinkled old face smiled and said, “Do you want help getting out of the
mud?””

“

When Clinton was running for office he claimed that he had never used
marijuana. He admitted to having a joint in his mouth, but explained that
he never inhaled.

It seems that he now claims he never had sex with Monica Lewinsky,
Apparantly she didn’t swallow.