Category: politics

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn’t have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country, and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

�Receiver is off the hook .
�Several nuts short of a full pouch.
�Sky light leaks a little.
�Slinky’s kinked.
�Surfing in Nebraska .
Too much yardage between the goal posts.

What do McDonald’s, Bill Clinton, and Monica Lewinsky all have in common?

Fourty year old meat, in between ten year old buns.

14> Operation Enduring Recession

13> Operation Cleaning Up Daddy’s Mess

12> Operation Liberty Eagle Flag God Bless Freedom Patriot Mountains’ Majesty

11> Operation Somebody Wake Up Arthur Kent

10> Operation Infinite Gullibility

9> Operation We Can’t Find Osama So This Will Have to Do

8> Operation Gotta Do Something With All These Tomahawk Missiles Lying Around

7> Operation Inspect THIS

6> Operation Pay No Attention to the Economy Behind That Curtain

5> Operatition Dessert Tornerado

4> Operation Thumb Our Nose at the Rest of the World, Especially Those Whiny French Weasels

3> Operation Who’s My Daddy?

2> Operation Surprise Attack on New Year’s Eve– D’OH!!

1> Operation Just ‘Cause

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]

A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle. He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man about George W. Bush being in the White House.

The old Texan said, “Well, ya know, Bush is a ‘Post Turtle.'”

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.

The old man looked at him and drawled, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a Post Turtle.”

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain:

“You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down.”

My answer to “What to do with Bin Laden?” Well, this sounds
good to me. It would be true poetic justice:
Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner
will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his
release. Therefore, I suggest we do neither.

Let the Secret Service, Navy Seals, or whomever covertly
capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital, and have
surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation.

Then we return “her” to Afghanistan to live as a woman
under the Taliban.

‘Twas the night before crisis,
And behind White House doors,
Not a creature was stirring,
Especially Al Gore. The interns were nestled,
Dressed in their berets,
In hopes that Saint Bubba
Would come out to play. When on the East Lawn,
There arose such a clatter,
Even Sam Donaldson
Lost control of his bladder. Away to our TVs
We flew like a flash,
There’s a special report,
And it’s pre-empting M*A*S*H! And what to our wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a homely lil’ troll,
With tapes for us to hear. With a K-Mart bought blazer,
And a bad frizzy ‘do,
And a tale to be told-
To me, and to you. On the chair! On the carpet!
On the Oval Office desk!
With a chubby young intern,
Who was all eyes and chest. The Pres had been careless,
Indeed, dumb and dumber.
Now the whole world knew
Bubba Had gotten a hummer. And Monica Lewinsky
Emerged from the rubble,
If she’d just kept her mouth shut,
We’d not have all this trouble. And thus set in motion,
A whole web o’ spiders,
With pundits galore,
And “White House insiders. You ask, “Who would care
About Bill and his penis?”
Republican Ken Starr,
And he’s armed with subpoenas! More rapid than eagles,
Process servers, they flew!
“Here’s one for you!
And for you! And you, too!” “Now Jordan! Now Cockell!
Is there anyone else?!?
Let’s subpoena the lawyers!
And Bubba himself!!” “We want you to tell us
About Bill’s private life,
And anyone he sleeps with,
‘cept, of course, his wife.” And many months later,
After long we’ve all suffered,
Let’s examine more closely
Just what Starr’s uncovered. We’ve learned “Little Bill”
Has a mind of his own,
And – horror of horrors –
He likes to get blown! A funny fact surfaced,
After 40 million bucks:
Seems most people don’t care
Just who Clinton, er, makes love to. The economy’s great,
And shows no signs of slowing.
Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky
NEVER stops blowing! Now the public’s grown weary.
Will this sleaze never end?
We just want to get back
To “E.R.”, and to “Friends.” Now Monica, Linda-
And Ken Starr, you suck –
Get the hell off my TV,
Your 15 minutes are up.

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?A: They both dominate Bills.

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in
grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children
are restless because of this. The teacher says, “Whoever answers
the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.”
Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here.
I’m smart and will answer the question.”

The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, “Abraham
Lincoln.” The teacher said “That’s right Susie, you can go
home.” Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first.

The teacher asked another question, “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, “Martin Luther
King”. The teacher said, “That’s right Mary, you can go.” Johnny
was even madder than before.

The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do
for you’?” Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, “John
F.Kennedy”. The teacher said, “That’s right Nancy, you may also
leave.”

Johnny was BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer to
any of the questions.

Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, “I wish these
bitches would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turned around and asked, “WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny said, “BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?”

Give an example of tragedy

Winston Peters is visiting a school.

In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a ”tragedy”. One little boy stands up and offersthat, ”if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy”.

”No,” Winston says, ”That would be an ACCIDENT.”

A girl raises her hand. ”If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved… that would be a tragedy”. ”I’m afraid not, ”explains Winston, ”that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”

The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. ”What?” asks Winston, ”isn’t there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: ”If an airplane carrying Winston Peters was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy”.

”Wonderful!” Winston beams. ”Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?” ”Well,” says the boy, ”because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss!”

Monica Lewinsky told Bill Clinton in the Oval Office that the ceiling
needs to be painted.

Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?A: He is stupid!