Category: politics

Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president’s spouse, Bill Clinton.

Q: What does Hillary Clinton and Tampons have in common?

A: “They are both stuck-up cunts!”

Bill Clinton Statue Committee
1040 Buffoon Street
Little Rock, AR 72205

Dear Friend:

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising 5
million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the hall of fame
in Washington, DC.

This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was
not wise to place it beside George Washington who never told a lie, nor
beside Jesse Jackson who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could
never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it next to Christopher Columbus, the greatest
democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know
where he was, he returned not knowing where he had been, and he did it all
on borrowed money.

5,000 years ago Moses said, “Pack up your camel, pick up your shovel, move
your ass, and I will lead you to the promised land.”

5,000 years later FDR said, “Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, light
up a camel for this is the promised land.”

This year Bill Clinton will steal your shovel, kick your ass, raise the
price of camels, and mortgage the promised land. If you are one of the
fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a
generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

Fraternally,

Bill Clinton Statue Committee

Which is worse, a Vice-President who can’t spell or a President who can’t add?

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.

“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'”? Again, no response except from Suzuki. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.” he heard a loud whisper: “Fuck the Japs.”

“Who said that?” she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982.” At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”

The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?” Again, Suzuki says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!” Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.” Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re fucked.”

Suzuki said, “The Taliban! 2001”

Q: Why can’t Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton get a new secretary?

A: He forgot where he laid the last one.

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when
George W. said, “I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.”

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, “Oh, they
are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I’ll prove it
to you.”

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
“Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I’m home,” said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when
they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, “See! That guy was
really stupid!”

“No kidding,” replied George W. “There was a pay phone just around the
corner…
You could have called instead?”

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight’s specials
are chicken almondine and fresh fish. “The chicken sounds good; I’ll have that,”
Hillary says.

The waiter nods. “And the vegetable?” he asks.

“Oh, he’ll have the fish,” Hillary replies.

What brand of underwear does Monica Lewinsky wear?

President’s Choice.

Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky had her “love handles” removed.

Bill says she looks funny without ears.

13) Videotaped “deposition” consists solely of Sharon Stone crossing and
uncrossing her legs.
12) Judge Judy unleashes a stern tongue-lashing, telling everyone to “just
grow up.”
11) Senator Moe’s frequent outbursts of “Why, I ought…”
10) Presiding Judge is wearing four gold stripes. And nothing BUT stripes.
9) Mandatory line dancing between votes.
8) Ten minutes into Hamburgler’s testimony, you realize “Mayor McCheese”
*isn’t* a tacky name for Bill Clinton.
7) 15 minute recess involves a slide and monkey bars.
6) Strom Thurmond just moved.
5) George Will is presiding over the hearings and the “Rip Clinton a New
Rectum” motion just passed.
4) No “Eau de Kennedy.”
3) All testimony submitted in the form of a dirty limerick.
2) For $20, “Monica” allows anyone to play the part of “Bill” during the
re-enactment.
1) Only vote against impeachment? Senator John Bobbitt. This list copyright
1999 by Chris White
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