Category: politics

1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to “push the button” in case of nuclear attack?

2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?

3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?

4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife’s half sister?

5. Which president called his mistress “Pookie”?

6. Which president married a woman who hadn’t yet divorced her first husband – and was branded an “adulterer” during his re-election campaign?

7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor’s wife while he was engaged to someone else?

8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady’s personal secretary?

9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat closet – at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?

10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover about the *other* president who made love in a closet (the one in Question 9)?

11. Which vice president was cheesed off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president’s?

12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing off his manhood (which he named “Jumbo”)?

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ANSWERS

1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to “push the button” in case of nuclear attack? John F. Kennedy

2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant? Bill Clinton

3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office? Lyndon B. Johnson

4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife’s half sister? Thomas Jefferson

5. Which president called his mistress “Pookie”? Bill Clinton

6. Which president married a woman who hadn’t yet divorced her first husband – and was branded an “adulterer” during his re-election campaign? Andrew Jackson

7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor’s wife while he was engaged to someone else? George Washington

8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady’s personal secretary? Franklin D. Roosevelt

9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat closet – at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them? Warren G. Harding

10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover about the *other* president who made love in a closet (the one in Question 9)? John F. Kennedy

11. Which vice president was cheesed off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president’s? Lyndon B. Johnson

12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing off his manhood (which he named “Jumbo”)? Lyndon B. Johnson

President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining,
the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He
stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White House lawn
and sees the words “President Clinton sucks” written in pee in the snow.

Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he
doesn’t care what it takes, but he wants to know who did this.

The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells
him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news. “Ok,” says Clinton,
“give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news.”

The Chief says: “The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know
who the culprit is.” Clinton nods and the Chief continues: “The bad news is the
culprit is Vice President Gore.” This really upsets the President, but he
controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news. The Chief
of Security swallows and says, “It’s in Hillary’s hand writing.”

Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!

Top ten reasons George W. Bush should be impeached
1) Compassionativity is not a word.
2) Social Security IS a federal program.
3) Benjamin Franklin did NOT invent the light bulb.
4) Trout are not extinct.
5) Brazil DOES have blacks.
6) Speaking is an important part of being president.
7) Our children is learning enough.
8) Fool me once, shame on you… fool me twice, shame on me.
9)Two words… Big Oil.
10) Sanity is an inalieble right.

Jimmie Carter, Ronald Reagan, Geroge Bush and Bill Clinton stood in
front of the Great OZ.

Carter steps forward.

OZ: What would you like today?
Carter: I would like courage.
With a great puff of smoke, Carter was given the courage to tackle any
problem.

Reagan steped forward.

OZ: What would you like?
Reagan: I would like some brains.
With a great puff of smoke, Reagan was given the brains to solve and
remember many great problems of the day.

George Bush was next.

OZ: And for you?
Bush: I would like some heart.
The puff of smoke came and went, Bush gushed with heart and compassion
for his fellow man.

Clintion was left.

OZ: And last but least, What would you like?
Bill looked to the left and then to right and whispers, “Dorothy around?”

13> “A purchase from Miracle Mohammed’s Used Car Lot and Transportation Emporium will last a thousand lifetimes!”

12> “I tell you, there has been no disruption whatsoever of the Iraqi television broadcasting schedule. Now please stay tuned for an all-new episode of ‘That ’70s Show’.”

11> “As you can clearly you can see on this Betamax tape, Saddam is alive and well.”

10> “Elite Iraqi Republican Guard have maintained control of our great land by cleverly disguising themselves as enemy soldiers, and are now shooting and capturing coalition soldiers who have deceitfully disguised themselves as brave Iraqi warriors.”

9> “The American press are simpering dogs, curled at the feet of the infidel cowboy, Bush. They do nothing but spread propaganda and lies. Oh, but I like that O’Reilly fellow. He’s fair and balanced.”

8> “We have no weapons of mass destruction, only new Palace-Strength Black Flag Ant and Roach Spray.”

7> “The American and British armies have surrendered on the outskirts of Kirkuk to a group of small children armed only with dried goat bladders.”

6> “Those holes in my Toyota’s door were put there intentionally by the previous owner for ventilation.”

5> “We have said many times that we do not have chemical or biological weapons. The chemical suits are to protect us from the excessive flatulence of the Americans, many of whom eat large amounts of Mexican food.”

4> “I did NOT… HAVE… POLITICAL… RELATIONS with that man, Mr. Hussein.”

3> “Stupid-looking beret on my head? That is foolish coalition propaganda. There is no stupid-looking beret on my head. This is merely a stupid-looking hairdo.”

2> “The great Saddam holds the American imperialists in such contempt, he occasionally defecates into his own fatigues at the mere mention of their mercenary forces.”

1> “We will show America the same strong hand of justice I showed last night to my lover, Britney Spears. Four times.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxaphone?

To play the whore monica.

To the citizens of the united states of america:

in light of your failure to elect a president of the usa and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today.

her sovereign majesty queen elizabeth ii will resume monarchial duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. except utah, which she does not
fancy. your new prime minister (the rt. hon. tony blair, mp for the 97.85% of
you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for america without the need for further elections.
congress and the senate will be disbanded. a questionnaire will be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

to aid in the transition to a british crown dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. you should look up “revocation” in the oxford english dictionary.
then look up “aluminium” . check the pronunciation guide. you will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

look up “vocabulary”. using the same twenty seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. look up “interspersed”.

2. there is no such thing as “us english”. we will let microsoft know on your
behalf.

3. you should learn to distinguish the english and australian accents. it
really isn’t that hard.

4. hollywood will be required occasionally to cast english actors as the good
guys.

5. you should relearn your original national anthem, god save the queen, but
only after fully carrying out task 1. we would not want you to get confused and
give up half way through.

6. you should stop playing american football. there is only one kind of
football. what you refer to as american football is not a very good game. the
2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no one else plays american” football. you will no longer be allowed
to play it, and should instead play proper football.

initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. it is a difficult
game. those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which
is similar to american football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). we are hoping
to get together at least a us rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. you should declare war on quebec and france, using nuclear weapons if they
give you any merde. the 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world
outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. the russians have never been
the bad guys. merde is french for “s***”

8. july 4th is no longer a public holiday. november 8th will be a new national
holiday, but only in england. it will be called indecisive day.

9. all american cars are hereby banned. they are crap and it is for your own
good. when we show you german cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. please tell us who killed jfk. it’s been driving us crazy.

thank you for your cooperation.

As his tenure has ended, let’s all take a moment to ponder the question, “Are
we going to miss him?”.
�Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Bill Clinton was anything
like the Monica Lewinski affair. She supposedly replied, “Close but no cigar.”
�The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica’s dress:
“Presidue”.
�President Clinton now only recruits interns from only four colleges:
Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.
�Did you know that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic seal
from a donkey to a condom, because it represents inflation, halts production,
and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.
�Washington has come up with a solution for the Clinton situation. They added
the 11th commandment: “Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff.”
�Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward and
not one of them is his sister!
�Hillary Clinton goes to a fortune teller who says, “Prepare to become a
widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death.” Hillary takes a deep
breath and asks, “Will I be acquitted?”

Why can’t the president plat chess?

Because the torn down his towers

Clinton should be proud. He has done more in six months than Jimmy Carter in four years.

What is Bill Clinton’s favorite web browser?
Microsoft Intern Exploiter