Category: politics

What do Bill Cliton and a carpenter have in common?

One scerw in the wrong spot and the whole cabinit falls apart.

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the
Politician. “All you have to do” she told her class “is take three steps
forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around.”

Clinton said that his relationship with Monica was inappropriate, in fact
it was wrong.

What’s the difference between inappropriate and wrong. Well,
inappropriate is like wearing black shoes with brown pants. Wrong is
wearing black shoes and no pants.

Entry 1
Dear Diary,
I’m so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House…. and I don’t
know a thing about medicine. Don’t even know what my duties are yet, but I hope
it’s a “hands on” position. Entry 2

Dear Diary,
You won’t believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking.
But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and
was looking for it when-guess what-the president walked in. He said, “You must
be the new intern.” That man is psychic! I hope he likes me. Entry 3

Dear Diary,
I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug and
asked me to find them. Entry 4

Dear Diary,
He really likes me. Entry 5

Dear Diary,
I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like
they’re going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something. But I
still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me “1-900 Monica.” (That
means he thinks I’m one in nine hundred. That’s pretty special.) Entry 6

Dear Diary,
I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She’s really cool except
for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word “conditioner?” She looks like
Mrs. Ronald McDonald. Entry 7

Dear Diary,
I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder whenever
we go out for a quiet dinner. Entry 8

Dear Diary,
Oh-oh. The bad news: I’ve been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon Jordan
is my new best friend. I’m going job hunting with him tomorrow. Entry 9

Dear Diary,
I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones’ case. What is she
talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way
cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag. Entry 10

Dear Diary,
I’ve had it. I’m never going to be an intern again. I’m going back to
Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work. Entry 11

Dear Diary,
Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would I hope
Spielberg will direct.

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never once looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.”

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “Why do you have all that money in the box?”

Bill answered, “Whenever the box fills with empties, I cash them in.”

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt
in traffic and thought to himself, ”Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual.
Nothing’s even moving.”

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars
so he rolls down his window and asks, ”Excuse me, Officer, what’s the hold
up?”

The Officer replies, ”The President is just so depressed about the
Impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he’s
threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his
family hates him and he doesn’t have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I’m
walking around taking up a collection for him.”

”Oh really? How much have you collected so far?”

”So far only about three hundred gallons, but I’ve got a lot of folks still
siphoning!”

PRESS RELEASE:

Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary

President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement:

CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!

WE HAVE PLEDGED:
– 2 BATTLE SHIPS,
– 600 GROUND TROOPS,
– 6 FIGHTER JETS.

AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:
– 2 CANOES,
– 6 MOUNTIES,
– AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS

What’s the difference between working for Bill Clinton and working for the
Pope?

The Pope only makes you get down on one knee.

One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.

All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun.

The masked man said “Give me all your money!”

Unwilling to do so, the President said, “You can’t do this, I’m the President!” The man then replied,…

“Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!”

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a lawyer?

A: Chelsea.

The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the
country.

USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but
don’t understand the Washington Post.

The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the
country, if they could spare the time.

The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running
the country.

The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the
country, as long as they do something scandalous.

The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a
country, or that anyone is running it.

The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of the United States a famous biographer was going to write Bill’s life story.
During the course of his interview he asked Bill, “What was your best and your worst decision during the Presidency”.

Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said, “Monica Lewinski! I’d have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision”.

“How could that be, Bill?”, asked the surprised biographer.

Bill smiled and then shook his head, “I’d have to say she was both my best and my worst decision for the same reason.”

“That’s odd. What was the reason for that?”, said the biographer.

Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, “Monica had a big mouth.”