Category: politics

Q: How is Clinton’s health care reform a lot like his haircut?A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.

It’s only fair that the government is now protecting senior citizens
against catastrophic illness. Sometimes just realizing you’re a senior
citizen is catastrophic enough.

Republicans sleep in twin beds – some even in separate rooms.
That is why there are more Democrats.

I am Starr. Starr I are.

I’m a brilliant barri-star.

I’m here to ask, as you’ll soon see,

Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?

Did you grope her in your house?

Did you grope beneath her blouse?

Did she give you gifts and ties?

Were you spied by prying eyes?

I did not do that here or there!

I did not do that anywhere!

I did not do that in a chair!

I went not near her giant hair!

I did not join …. even for fun,

The Mile High Club in Air Force One,

So stow your feathers and your tar,

I did not do her Starr you are!

Did you smile?

Did you flirt?

Did you peek beneath her skirt?

And did you tell the girl to lie,

When called upon to testify?

That is it; you’ve gone too far!

I do not like you, Starr you are!

I will not answer any more!

In fact, I think I’ll start a war!

The public’s easy to distract,

When bombs are falling on Iraq!

Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car.
After choosing the model and options he wants, he’s not the least bit
surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the
new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but
as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman “Do you
know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?” he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years
to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but
upon reaching the door, he turns back again.

“Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car
will arrive?”

The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will
be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.

Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though
the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.

“I’m sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years
from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?”

Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time
and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on
Thursday.

“That’s a relief !” says Morris. “The plumber is coming that morning!”

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said “someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.”

So they laid off the night watchman.

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.
March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.

(To the tune of My Way)

And now, my end is near;
I’ll try to hide my raging fury.
I thought I made things clear;
I testified to Starr’s Grand Jury.

I answered every charge,
In my deny, deny, deny-way.
And yes, as for that dress,
I stained it my way!

Yet, there were times, I’m sure you knew,
When Monica bit off more than she could chew.
But now you know, there is no doubt;
She ate it good — then spit it out.
It hit her dress. It made a mess.
I stained it my way!

I’ve had my share of chicks,
Like Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers.
And then there’s Monica,
Who did the deed — for hours and hours…

We did it in my car,
While driving every D.C. highway.
And yes, about that dress,
I stained it my way!

Regrets, I’ve got a few;
But then again, just ’cause they caught me.
I did who I wanted to do,
But that Ken Starr — he always fought me.

I’ve had all of those babes;
And may I say – not in a shy way.
And yes, about that dress,
I stained it my way!

For what is Bill Clinton — what has he got?
If not some chick, then he has naught.
He does the things he truly feels;
And not the acts of ONE WHO KNEELS.
The record shows I TOOK THE BLOWS —
I STAINED IT MY WAY!!!

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That’s $20 million for two people who for eight years repeatedly testified
they couldn’t remember anything.

13. There go your chances of ever being on “American Idol.”

12. Telltale pork rind crumbs always get trapped in that mustache.

11. Saddam #18 never rinses out the mustache after he’s done with it.

10. You’re the one who always gets stuck signing autographed pictures for Michael Moore and Sean Penn.

9. You only get to sleep with wives #201 and higher.

8. Because he thinks your wave on TV was effeminate, “Your kittens must die!”

7. Your lucrative Iraqi Elvis impersonation career has been put on indefinite hold.

6. Saddam insists you stay every night and practice the mirror routine from “Duck Soup” with him.

5. You have to kiss Chirac on the lips whenever he’s in town.

4. You’re always getting into scuffles with your neighbor, the George W. Bush body double.

3. Sure, you look like him. Yes, you’ve got the mustache. But, for crying out loud, you’re his *mother*!

2. The demand for accuracy requires penis-reduction surgery.

1. Your brother, who looks just like Hugh Hefner, keeps sending Ramadan cards from the Playboy mansion.

President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip — a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute.
“I’d salute you back, Sergeant,” says the President, “but as you can see, I’ve got my hands full.”
“Yes, sir,” replies the sergeant. “Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs.”
“Why, these aren’t pigs,” the President responds. “These are RAZORBACKS!”
“Yes, sir — razorbacks. Sorry, sir.”
“Yup,” Clinton continues. “Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary.”
The sergeant replies: “Very good trade, sir — very good trade.”

We’ve learned a lot more about what was going on in the ’96 election,
thanks to Monica and Bob Dole’s viagra promos. It turns out that we had a
challenger who couldn’t “keep it up” and a president who couldn’t “keep it
down”!