John Kerry went duck hunting and he’s doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.” –David Letterman
“John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn’t bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg.” –Jay Leno
“Last week, Senator Kerry was eight points behind President Bush, today he is three points ahead. Is this the kind of indecision we want in a president?” –Announcer in a mock Bush-Cheney ad, “Late Show With David Letterman”
“Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to rest criticism that he’s a flip-flopper. Kerry said, ‘I have one position on Iraq: I’m forgainst it.” –Amy Pohler, Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”
“John Kerry says the ‘W’ in George W. Bush stands for ‘Wrong.’ But he still can’t explain what John Kerry stands for.” —David Letterman
“The latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn’t it be in Fortune or Money magazine?” –Jay Leno
“Vice President Dick Cheney attacked John Kerry. He said that John Kerry ‘lacks deeply held convictions.’ Today Kerry shot back, he said, ‘That’s not completely true.'” —Jay Leno
“John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you’re not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president.” —David Letterman
“There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, ‘I do.'” —Craig Kilborn
“John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he’s ahead in the polls. How’s that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he’s up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding.” —Jay Leno
“‘Shrek 2’ made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him.” —Conan O’Brien
“John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.” —Jay Leno
“This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, ‘I’m John Kerry and I approve of this message — if I have one.'” —Craig Kilborn
“John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a ‘charisma black hole.'” —Jay Leno
“Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, ‘How am I gonna beat this guy?” —David Letterman
“Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he’s the dad from ‘The Munsters.”‘ —Jay Leno
“John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.” —David Letterman
“John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them.” —Jay Leno
“They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that’s nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: ‘I do.'” —Jay Leno
“Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward.” —Jay Leno