Category: politics

Q: How many ounces can Monica Lewinski’s mouth hold?

A: 1 U.S. Liter

Somewhere in America, next week…

Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son: What’s up, Dad?

Dad: There’s a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
Son: I don’t believe, if I understand the definition of “scratch the car”, that I can say, truthfully, that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: Well, it wasn’t there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
Son: Well, as I’ve said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car
against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping
sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I’ll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did “I” scratch the car. I
stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn’t drive the car into the
mailbox?
Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
Son: No sir, that’s not my statement. I’ll refer you back to my
original statement that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch car?
Son: No. No, that’s not correct. Your question was “Did I scratch
the car?”. From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car… the mailbox did… I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of “No” when you asked “Did I scratch the car” was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot?
Son: From The President of the United States.

How many Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

It depends on your definition of the word “change.”

Howard Dean’s wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.

Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied “Read my lips. No more Bush”

STATE OF MICHIGANJOHN ENGLER, Governor Reply to: GRAND RAPIDS DISTRICT OFFICE STATE OFFICE BUILDING 6TH FLOOR 350 OTTAWA NW GRAND RAPIDS MI 49503-2341DEPARTMENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL QUALITYRUSSELL J. HARDING, Director HOLLISTER BUILDING, PO BOX 30473, LANSING MI 48909-7973 http://www.deq.state.mi December 17, 1997 CERTIFIEDMr. Ryan DeVries 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339Dear Mr. DeVries:SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm CountyIt has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files show that no permits have been issued.Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301,. Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially, failed during a recent rain event, causing debris dams and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.Failure to comply with this request, or any further unauthorized activity on the site, may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.Sincerely,David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division —-Reply Letter—-Dear Mr. Price:Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm CountyYour certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan – I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood ‘debris’ dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials ‘debris.’ I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.My first concern is – aren’t the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation?The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation – so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the dam stream ‘restored’ to a dam free-flow condition – contact the dam beavers – but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) – be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers – be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State – I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy – or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as I and the beavers are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem; bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office. Sincerely,Stephen L. Tvedtenxc: PETA–

The local bar was so sure that its bartender had the strongest hands around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a challenger.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

Only in America

Only in America
…… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America
…… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America
…… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at
the front.

Only in America
…… do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America
…… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters.

Only in America
…… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put
our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America
…… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call
waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in
the first place.

Only in America
…… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America
…… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well:
‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

Only in America
…… do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the
Miss America pageant?

Bill Clinton

“I am Clinton of Borg. Your incomes will be assimilated.”

Winston Peters is visiting a school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a “tragedy”. One little boy stands up and offersthat, “if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy”.
“No,” Winston says, “That would be an ACCIDENT.”
A girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved… that would be a tragedy”. “I’m afraid not, “explains Winston, “that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”
The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. “What?” asks Winston, “isn’t there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: “If an airplane carrying Winston Peters was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy”.
“Wonderful!” Winston beams. “Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?” “Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss!”

* Excuse me “Your Honor,” but she was on top.

* I didn’t want people to confuse me with the Pope on TV.

* She’s not THAT young. In Arkansas, the age of consent is only 16.

* Hey, at least she’s prettier than Paula Jones or Jennifer Flowers.

* I had to show the American People that I WASN’T impotent for my second term
in office.

* I was jealous of Nixon with his “Tricky Dick” nickname.

* I didn’t leave a message on her voicemail. Get with it. This is the 90’s, I
sent her E-MAIL!

* See I’m not a Lame duck. She said I was pretty GOOD!

* My real name is not William Jefferson Clinton. It’s William KENNEDY Clinton.

* I couldn’t control myself. It was genetic. I was in her jeans–oops, I
mean it was in my genes.

* I didn’t insert!

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?A: Because they can’t afford any more pork.