Category: politics

Tumor: More than oneUrine: Opposite of you’re outVaricose: NearbyVein: Conceited

One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.

All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes
with a gun.

The masked man said “Give me all your money!”

Unwilling to do so, the President said, “You can’t do this, I’m the
President!” The man then replied,…
“Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!”

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Two–One to promise he’ll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate

I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you’ve been misled

I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp

I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her ’round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn’t, even with my wife

And Gennifer Flowers’ tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry

I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don’t remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don’t recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy

I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have-once-with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One

I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed

It never happened with cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you’ve caught me

But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach

I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale

Jesus is on one side of the Jordan River while Al Gore and
George Bush are on the other side. George Bush says “Jesus,how
can we get to the other side so we can praise you?” and Jesus
replys “Walk across the river and you will only sink as far as
the sins you have committed.” So George Bush walks across the
river and the water comes up to his knee. Then Al Gore walks
across and the water only comes up to his ankles. George Bush
says “How come the water only comes up to his ankles?” Jesus
says “Don’t worry, he’s standing on Bill Clinton’s shoulders”

16. War on Drugs joined by War on Dull, Lifeless Hair.

15. President’s residence now repainted and known as the “Teal House” from Labor Day to Memorial Day.

14. Even with a Cabinet *full* of Baldwins, still can’t get anyone to watch the State of the Union address.

13. Paula Jones’s sexual harassment lawsuit gets a LOT more coverage.

12. Her 10-point “Compact with America” bill will ensure that every citizen is entitled to a non-shiny forehead.

11. Russia’s deficits soar as Boris Yeltsin outbids the Chinese for a year lease on the Lincoln Bedroom.

10. “Having a bad hair day” is a viable murder defense.

9. National meal for Thanksgiving changed from turkey and dressing to parakeet and croutons.

8. “The Mole” no longer refers to a Soviet spy.

7. Independent Counsel repeatedly focuses investigations on the President’s dirty laundry.

6. Bill Clinton now sneaking *in* to White House at 4 a.m.

5. At start of joint session addresses, sergeant-at-arms now barks “Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States! In a lovely chiffon gown with baby-doll neckline, accented with a breathtaking diamond solitaire pendant!”

4. Mr. Blackwell becomes FBI director; “worst dressed” lists start popping up in post offices nationwide.

3. Typical state dinner menu: celery, a rice cake, and Tab.

2. Citizens finally stop complaining about ridiculously short jogging shorts.

1. Sudden declaration of war on Germany and England eerily coincides with her catfight with Claudia and Naomi.

A Colorado Springs, Colo., school district says it did the right thing when it suspended 6-year-old Seamus Morris under the school’s zero-tolerance drug policy. The drug? Lemon drops. Taylor Elementary School administrators called an ambulance after a teacher saw the boy give another student some candy, which was a brand teachers didn’t recognize. ‘It was not something you would purchase in a grocery store,’ a district spokesman said. ‘It was from a health-food store.’ A spokesman for St. Claire’s Lemon Tarts, however, noted that the candy is indeed sold in Colorado’s largest grocery store chain. School officials were not impressed, and not only upheld the half-day suspension, but told the boy’s mother that a child who brings candy to school is comparable to a teen who takes a gun to school. (UPI)

Bill Clinton. The perfect thing if pro wrestling is too complicated for you.

Chelsea Clinton was home for Christmas break. She was having lunch with her dear mother, Hillary, just talking about typical girl stuff.

Hillary says to Chelsea, “My, my what a fine young lady you have turned out to be. Being a sophomore at Stanford and all, I’m so proud!”

Hillary proceeds to give Chelsea a hug then speaks softly and asks her a question. “Say, I was just wondering since you’re all grown up now. Have you , um , had sex yet?”.

Chelsea ponders and contemplates then responds.
“Um, not according to dad.”!

10. The Rosstafarians
9. United We’re Nuts
8. The Dork-O-Crats
7. Wacky Ass Billionaires
6.The “You Might Be A Redneck If You Join This Party” Party
5.The Adorable Miniature Candidate And His Friends
4. Yankee Doodle Psychos
3. El Party De Nutjobs
2. Shorty And The Blowfish
1. The Hair Club For Geeks

The Bosnian peace talks continued in Geneva today. The only thing
that Alija Izetbegovic, Radovan Karadzic and Slobodan Milosovic could
agree on was that John Major has a funny name.

Somewhere in America, next week…

Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son: What’s up, Dad?

Dad: There’s a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
Son: I don’t believe, if I understand the definition of “scratch the car”, that I can say, truthfully, that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: Well, it wasn’t there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
Son: Well, as I’ve said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car
against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping
sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I’ll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did “I” scratch the car. I
stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn’t drive the car into the
mailbox?
Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
Son: No sir, that’s not my statement. I’ll refer you back to my
original statement that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch car?
Son: No. No, that’s not correct. Your question was “Did I scratch
the car?”. From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car… the mailbox did… I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of “No” when you asked “Did I scratch the car” was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot?
Son: From The President of the United States.