Category: politics

What’s the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?

At least this time, there’s no doubt about the identity of “Deep Throat.”

15> You misunderstood. What we said was, “We plan tons of mass construction.”

14> We’re pretty sure Saddam hid the WMDs inside millions of those fake Coca-Cola cans.

13> Let’s just say that the informant’s message, “Saddam is poised to release massive amounts of lethal chemical and biological agents,” would have been better translated as “Never, ever pull Saddam’s finger.”

12> We dig and dig, but that damn sand keeps refilling our holes.

11> We think they’re in some boxes we found marked “Do not open until Christmas.”

10> Tommy Franks never said, “Simon says.”

9> We need a few more weeks to finish checking out the interior of this air-conditioned palace.

8> Too busy combing through Dixie Chicks lyrics for incriminating evidence.

7> We *did* find weapons of mass destruction, we just can’t show them to you because they’re… um… they’re invisible!

6> The dogs of war ate them.

5> All military resources are being used to protect the USA from Mothra.

4> Overlooked hundreds of sealed wooden crates marked: “Baby Milk for Hungry Iraqi Children — Handle With Extreme Caution!”

3> Because, uh… hey, look — tax cuts!!

2> All of our radar technology is focused on President Bush’s efforts to locate Waldo.

1> They’ve probably been smuggled to an even more dangerous rogue state — France!

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

One day God was hanging out at the Pearly Gates with St. Paul.

“I need to find someone to run for president,” he said after a while.

Attentive to his boss’ needs, St. Paul started naming off a few qualified candidates.

“Nah, I want that guy,” he said pointing to a drunken Texas governor pissing off a balcony.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” said St. Paul, “Not only is he dumber than a box of rocks, he’s got drinking and drug problems.”

“I don’t care,” said God, “This is the guy.”

Perplexed, St. Paul asked: “What is the problem, Lord, art thou angry with the Americans?”

“No,” said God, “I made a bet with the Devil that I could get a village idiot to run for president.”

“But won’t that work in the Devil’s favor, oh Lord?” Paul asked.

“That’s all right,” said God, “he’ll never take Florida.”

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a
choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning
photograph…what shutter speed would you use?

I Suck At My Job
What Really Goes Down In The White House
How I Blew It In Washington
You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
Clear and Present Boner
Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
Going Back for Gore
Podium Girl
Secret Services to the President
Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
Deep Inside The Oval Office
The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
She’s Chief of MY Staff!
Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
How To Beat Off the Government
Going Down and Moving Up
Members of the Presidential Cabinet
Me and My Big Mouth
How To Get A head in Business

Two neighbors got into an argument about presidential politics. The first guy
asked, “Why are you such a dedicated Republican?”

The second guy replied, “My Father and Grandfather were Republicans before me
and I am carrying on the family tradition.”

“That’s it?” said the first exasperated neighbor. “What if your Father and
Grandfather had been horse thieves?”

“Well…” replied the second neighbor, “I suppose then I’d be a Democrat like
you.”

What was the White House Chief of Staff’s reaction to Lewinsky’s story?

Now I know why they kept calling her the head intern!

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible
fight. “I am the most beautiful person in the world,” proclaimed
Sleeping Beauty.

“No, you’re not,” answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

I am the smallest person in the world,” shouted Tom Thumb.

“No, you’re not,” said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan

“I’ve had more lovers than any person in the world,” announced Don
Juan.

“No, you haven’t” replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a
mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in
the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to
his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a
time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out
beaming. “I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said
so.”

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.
“I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees.”

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a
half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, “Who the hell
is Bill Clinton”

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

– Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.

– Advising the President.

– Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

To his credit, Clinton is now defending Monica Lewinsky, saying she was no
different from any other White House intern.

He said, “She takes my pants off one leg at a time, just like everyone else.”

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, “In six months I’m going to make it
rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people
are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind
of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark.” And
in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

“Okay,” said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord
saw that there was no Ark.

“Noah,” shouted the Lord, “Where is the Ark?”

“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best. But there were big
problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction
project, and your plans didn’t meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to
redraw the plans.”

“Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system. “

“Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building
the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.”

“Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a
ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S.
Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn’t
let me catch any owls. So, no owls.”

“The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate
a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would
pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat,
and still no owls.”

“Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn’t
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.”

“Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood
plain. I sent them a globe. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I’m
trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country.”

“I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for at least another five
years,” The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

“You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth?” Noah asked hopefully.

“No,” said the Lord sadly. “The government already has.”

Tumor: More than oneUrine: Opposite of you’re outVaricose: NearbyVein: Conceited