Category: politics

When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn’t a Democrat?

When she didn’t swallow everything he presented.

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno . . .
. . . were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet,
You’re lucky that you don’t have to put up with men having sex with you. I have
to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his.”
Janet responded. “Just because I am considered ugly, doesn’t mean I don’t have
to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.”
Hillary asks, “Well how do you deal with the problem?”
Janet: “Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I
muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can.”
Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary
headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be
wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for
him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding
fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, “Is that you Janet?”

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

The Doctor, The Farmer and the H.M.O. executive die and are met at the Pearly
gates of Heaven by St. Peter.
St. Peter tells the Doctor, “you took care of the sick and dying while on
earth, you are welcome to enter Heaven”.

St. Peter then speaks to the Farmer and tells him, “while on earth you
nourished and fed the people, you are welcome to enter Heaven”.

Then St. Peter looks over at the H.M.O. Executive and says, “you can come in
for three days”.

Q: How is Bill like a character actor?A: When he shows character, he’s acting.

The FBI finally came back with the DNA results.

Clinton was a perfect match.

So was all of Arkansas.

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife
interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It’s been flickering for weeks now.”
He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does
it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I
don’t think so.”

“Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close
right.”

To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look
like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t
think so.”

“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to
the front door? They’re about to break.”

“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the
steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware
written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough
of you. I’m going to the bar!”

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He
starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and
decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the
house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters
the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to
get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey,
how’d this all get fixed?”

She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I
told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had
to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake.”

He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”

She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written
on my forehead?”

Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?A: He keeps having to eat his words.

Son: dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: sure, son. What�s the question?
Son: what is politics?
Father: well, let’s take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let’s
call me �Tony Blair.� your mother is the administrator of money, so we’ll call
her �Gordon brown.� we take care of your needs, so we’ll call you �the people.�
we’ll call the maid �the working class,� and your baby brother we can call �the
future.� do you understand, son?
Son: I�m not really sure, dad. I�ll have to think about it.
That night, awakened by his baby brother’s crying, the boy went to see what
was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy
went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the
maid’s room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with
the maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid,
so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he
reported to his father.
Son: dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the working class, Gordon brown
is sound asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full
of s***.

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam’s chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he’s finally had enough, knowing that he can’t do much without them functioning well.

“I’m going back home!” he tells the Iraqi. “We’ll finish these talks in two weeks!”

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton’s chair and prepares himself for the Yank’s revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

“Forget this,” says Saddam. “I’m going back to Baghdad!”

Clinton says through tears of laughter, “What Baghdad?”

(We take you now to the Oval Office. “W” meets with Condalessa Rice)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That’s what I want to know.

Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.

George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow’s name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?

Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That’s the man’s name.

George: That’s who’s name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That’s correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don’t want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

(Phone rings)

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

The latest news is, that Bill Clinton has bought a new cigar holder. Unfortunately, due to security reasons, they can’t tell us her name!