Category: politics

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit.”

Can you imagine working for this organization? It has less than 1000 employees
with the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?
It’s the 535 members of The United States Congress; the same group that cranks
the laws designed to keep the rest of us in line. Are the inmates running the
asylum?

Bush approved of a new method of testing ready-to-eat meat for the potentially
lethal Listeria bacteria found in factories. According to the legislation,
ready-to-eat meat will have to pass standardized tests as part of Bush’s “leave
no hot dog behind,” campaign.

Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?A: They were dating the same girl in high school.

your so dark you have to were white gloves when you eat a tootsie roll to prevent yourself from eating your finger

14> Still suffers from chronic carpal tunnel syndrome from operating strings attached to Bill.

13> At Chelsea’s insistence, every White House Dinner guest list included “Blossom” star Joey Lawrence.

12> Alec Baldwin giggles like a schoolgirl when you tickle his tummy.

11> Is actually the senior senator from New York after kicking Chuck Schumer’s pansy ass in an arm-wrestling match.

10> Chapter three? Written entirely in Pig Latin.

9> Not only was there the stained Lewinsky dress, but Hillary’s lipstick was discovered on a pair of James Carville’s Dockers by reporters who were too revolted to pursue the story.

8> Smuggled out nearly 8000 official White House drink coasters over her husband’s two terms, mostly hidden in her undergarments.

7> Guess who gave her the heads-up on cattle futures? That’s right — Martha Stewart.

6> Successfully battled testicular cancer.

5> She used to fantasize about being the wife of P-funkster George Clinton.

4> Was totally hammered on Jagermeister when she came up with that whole “It takes a village” thing.

3> Pinned Tipper two out of three times in the Presidential Jell-O Wrestling Championship.

2> Once killed a guy with her bare hands after he called her “Mister.”

1> Vehemently opposed President Bush’s plan to drill for oil in the Arctic because she was so tired of the previous president’s constant attempts to drill *her* arctic region.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Saddam Hussain goes to hell and the devil is waiting there and he isnt in the best of moods, he look to Mr. Hussian and says “well well well look at who we have here, i am over booked so you have the choice of 3 doors and you MUST choose one of the doors, the door you choose will be your fate for all eternity!”

Mr. Hussain nods and they procceed to the first door and open it and here is Aldof Hitler diving into a pool and resurfacing then diving back in again, Mr hussian looks and shakes his head ” i cant swim” he says

The devil shrugs and they procceed to the next door and here is Yassa Arafat hitting a rock with a pick over and over, Mr Hussian looks and shakes his head again ” i have this bad shoulder and cant do heavy work” he says

The Devil shrugs and they proceed to the final door the devil opens it and here is Bill Clinton laying spread eagled on a torture table with Monica Lewinsky ontop of him doing what she does best, Mr Hussian’s eyes light up and go wide and he says ” hell yes i can do that”

The devil smirks and says ” Miss Lewinsky Your Are Free To Go!”

Health care costs are rising uncontrollably across the world. In America, taxes have been on the rise just to pay for them.In England, they have begun rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting lists for certain services just to reduce costs even more. In fact, they now have a nine month waiting list for abortions.

Members of Congress…people of America….I banged her.

I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven’t been paying attention. The only babes in DC I haven’t tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they’re a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn’t to say I don’t appreciate Hillary…I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I’d be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she’d be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there’s not a man, woman, or child who didn’t know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called “Kennebunkport.” Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer’s he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of ‘plausible deniability,’ and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And Johnny Kennedy, who was more than a little naughty himself, didn’t hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.

Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn’t seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell ‘Internet’ has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.

Bottom line: I’m running a country here and I’m doing it with my pecker showing. What I’m asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter…unless, of course, she’s a hotty with thin ankles, and then I’d like to discuss it. I may be a pervert, but I’m also a realist. I know that if the economy was going down the crapper, I’d-a been out on my fat ass after the ’96 election. But I’m a lucky pervert-the economy is hotter than Paula Jones in a leather teddy. So think about where you are today and what kind of life you’re living before you get too interested in where I’m parking the Presidential limousine

Clinton in 1996–NOT!!

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must have surely known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice of how to be blown

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.