Category: politics

Did you hear Clinton doesn’t use bookmarks?

He just bends over and sticks the pages!

This simple three question test illustrates how often Bill Clinton must be telling lies.1. Is the Pope catholic?2. Does Windows have bugs? 3. Does Clinton lie?

Acute: Opposite of an uglyArtery: The study of paintingsBacteria: Back door of a cafeteriaBarium: What doctors do to dead patientsBenign: What you are after you’re eight.Bowel: Letter like A,E,I,O, or UCat scan: Searching for a kittyCauterize: Made eye contact with herCesarean Section: Neighborhood in RomeColic: A sheep dog

Politicians!

They’ll piss on your foot and tell you its raining!

A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.

“Well, sir, we’re from Texas, and we’re used to the heat,” says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. “I’ll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS.” He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.

The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans’ camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. “Well, sir,” explains a Texan, “when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain’t hardly nothing.” The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.

“Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let ‘s see what happens when I turn OFF the heat,” he says as he heads to the thermostat. “I’ll check on them tomorrow.”

So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans’ campsite, and they are all whoopin’ and hollerin’ and drinkin’ the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin’ like there is no tomorrow.

“I don’t get it,” the Devil says, completely defeated. “I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?”

A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, “Look around! Hell is frozen over. That’s just gotta mean George Bush got re-elected.”

The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankee’s game. The row behind them is filed with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and wispers something into the Presidents’s ear.

Mr. Clinton pauses then grabs Hilary by the scuff of the neck and heaves her over the railing! She falls 10 feet to the dugout, kicking and screaming obcenities.

The President shakes hands with those near him, getting “high fives”.
The Secret Service Agent leans over again and whispers, ” Mr. President, I said, –
“They want you to throw out the “FIRST PITCH!”

It seems Miss Lewinsky recorded some of her conversations with Clinton.
In a transcript just released Bill asked Miss Lewinsky “Do you know the
difference between Lunch and Oral Sex?”

Miss Lewinsky replied “No, I don’t”.

Bill then said “Great, let’s do lunch!”

Isn’t putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a
beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a
smile said “Master, may I grant you one wish?”
“You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-bitch! Don’t you know who I am? I don’t
need any common woman giving me anything” barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said “Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned
to that bottle forever.”
Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and
said “Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the
morning, so just do it and be off with you!”
The annoyed genie said, “So be it !” and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding,
and Hillary Clinton.
His dick was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance!

As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next president. This will have a catastrophic results in our not so vital (dispensable entertainment industry).

Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin – among many others have sworn to leave the country if George  Bush is elected president.  

And this is where you can help. We need volunteers to help pack and load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate before they change their minds.

For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation. You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters, and pictures from your chosen “refugee”as they learn to become useful citizens in the Third World country of their choosing.

You will help, won’t you? It costs so little but it means so much.
Call 1-800-deport a lib. Operators are standing by. Major credit cards are accepted.

(DO it to the rhythm of “pretty fly for a white guy”)

You know its kinda hard just to have affairs today,
Our subject isn’t cute, but he thinks it anyway,
He may have a wife, and a really cheesy smile,
But all that sex with Monica….
He in total DENIAL!
So don’t debate,
He keeps it straight,
You know he always, got it everyday.
He copped a feel,
and kept it real,
For Hil no way, for Hil no way,
He thought his trick,
Was pretty slick,
Until Mon got caught messin with his dick,
Now that’s just the beginnig you see, so
Hey! Hey! do that sexy thing!
Give it to me Billy….. Uh Huh Uh Huh
Give it to me Billy….. Uh Huh Uh Huh
Give it to me Billy….. Uh Huh Uh Huh
“And all the interns say I’m pretty fly for a president”

Now he’s gettiin a Blo Job Oh Yeah,
He’s gettin it done,
He thought she was 16,
But she’s really 21!
Friends say its really just cool,
To suck the Pres’ dick,
But the rest of the world,
Just thinks it’s pretty sick!

Give it to me Billy….. Uh Huh Uh Huh
Give it to me Billy….. Uh Huh Uh Huh
Give it to me Billy….. Uh Huh Uh Huh
“And all the interns say I’m pretty fly for a president.”

Winston Peters is visiting a school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a
“tragedy”. One little boy stands up and offersthat, “if my best friend who lives
next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that
would be a tragedy”.
“No,” Winston says, “That would be an ACCIDENT.”
A girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a
cliff, killing everyone involved… that would be a tragedy”. “I’m afraid not,
“explains Winston, “that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”
The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. “What?” asks
Winston, “isn’t there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: “If an
airplane carrying Winston Peters was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a
tragedy”.
“Wonderful!” Winston beams. “Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be
a tragedy?” “Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it
certainly wouldn’t be a great loss!”