Category: politics

Q: What’s Clinton’s favorite baseball team?A: The Dodgers.

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: “In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind ofliving thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.”

And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. “OK,” said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. “Six months, and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You’d better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.” And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. “Noah,” shouted the Lord, “where is my Ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.

“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn’t let me catch any owls. So no owls.

Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the Proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I’m supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don’t think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,” Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth?” Noah asked, hopefully.

“No,” said the Lord sadly, “Government already has.”

Dear Bill:
As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament.
Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to
admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.
Jimmy Carter
———————
Dear Bill:
OK, so I’ll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!
Gary Hart
———————-
My Dear Chap:
This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that
charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit
that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.
Hugh Grant
———————-
Bill:
They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitch done set us up!
Mayor Marion Berry
———————-
Dear Bill:
Look at the bright side. At least you weren’t caught wearing Monica’s
thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I’m back on
TV for the fall.
Marv Albert
———————-
Dear Mr. President:
You may have noticed that I’m not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon
(note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, you’re not the
only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn’t really sex.
Warm personal regards,
Newt
—————————-
Dear Bill:
Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards
and invites her to come on her show anytime.
Frank Gifford
—————————
Dear Mr. President:
Now I’m on the Supreme Court. I’m here for life! And there’s nothing
anyone can do about it! So there!
Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas
————————–
Dear Former Worthy Opponent:
Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself
into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!
Bob Dole
————————-
Dear Mr. President:
I think it’s terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you’re welcome to
bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you
want. I’ll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can
have their room.
Michael Jackson
————————–
Dear Fellow Sinner:
Jesus forgives you and so do I.
Rev. Jimmy Swaggart
————————-
Dear Bill:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Jim Baker
P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.
————————-
Dear Bill:
Next time (if there is a next time), don’t let them get you on tape. Big mistake!!
With sympathy,
Rob Lowe
————————-
Dear Bill:
If I survived wanting to be a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit.
Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually
manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I’ll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don’t have a sense of humor)
HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales
————————
Dear Mr. President:
We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.
The editors, Cigar Aficionado magazine

A man is fishing when a submarine emerges right in front of him. the captain
pops his head out and asks:
– pray you, good man, tell us, where are we?
– get the f*** out of here, you motherf****** ass-f***** butt-f******
f*******! you are scaring my f****** fish away, you dumbf***! f*** your mother,
ass-f*** your father, fu…
– gentlemen, we are in russia!

Did you hear that Hillary Clinton changed her name?

She is now known as “Sharon Peters”!

Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he’d been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Q: What is the difference between Bin Laden and a pair of tights?

A: Nothing! They both irritate the Bush.

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog.

Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton called “middle of the road Democrat”?A: Because he’s got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.

This day was a horrible day. First, the Pope dies and so does
Bill Clinton. But on their way to the new world beyond Earth,
something went wrong. Bill Clinton, who was destined to go to
hell, mistakenly was sent to heaven. The Pope was accidentally
sent to hell in Bill’s place.

After a little while, God’s most pretigious angels figured that
this couldn’t be right, so they brought the Pope from out of the
depths of hell, and Bill then descended from heaven.

On their way to their actual destinations, the Pope and Bill
Clinton meet. The Pope says, “Finally!! All my life, I’ve waited
to meet the Virgin Mary. I can’t wait!!”

Bill Clinton solemnly replies, “You’re five minutes late.”

The following statement has been translated into Ebonics. Good evening. (Yo Yo
Yo, s’up?). This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the
Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. (Today at my crib these
suckers and playa-haters started grillin’ a brotha). I answered their questions
truthfully, including question about my private life, questions no American
citizen would ever want to answer. (Dey started frontin’ about my game and
asking all kinds of fowl sh-t). Still, I must take complete responsibility for
all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you
tonight. (I’m tired of these haters throwing salt in my game. I’m going to let
yall know my Mackin style tonight). As you know, in a deposition in January, I
was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers
were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. (Awhile back, you nosey
motherfu-ers wanted to know if I was hittin’ hoe-ass Monica’s skins. You ain’t
got any video, so if you want to believe a $10 hoe then oh well).
Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Levwinsky that was not appropriate.
In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a
personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.
(Yeah, I was hittin’ that dime dropping Bit-h! She was only sucking my jammie
though. I was stupid for messing with a young big mouthed skank. My bad, but
don’t hate me because I’m a playa). But I told the grand jury today and I say to
you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence.
(Outside of that hit I told punk-ass AG (Al Gore) to put on gay-ass Star, Monica
and her snitching friend, I was chill the whole time).
I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to
protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. (Check dis, I heard she
was down with what ever, you know a freak ass beiach. She wasn’t all that but I
planned to pimp her around to my boyz in the Senate). The independent counsel
investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And
now the investigation itself is under investigation. (Those haters started
sweatin’ my homeys and my peeps. Dey pissed a nugga off when they tried to make
me look like I’m not real or somefin. Matter of fact dey shady asses is on the
take anyway).
This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.
(Tryin’ to hit me they wasted a lot of Cheddar and pissed off my Crew). Nothing
is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim
my family life for my family. It’s nobody’s business but ours. (I’m a pimp and
playa and I’m going to be one, dey can�t change a nugga! Get some businesses.
Hillary is chill because I got more than enough White Water dirt on her ass that
will get her sent up before I’m outtied).
It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into
private life and get on with our national life. (Get off my jock because I’m
going to flex regardless. Just in case yall forgot until you chumps ax me I’m
still the sh-t!) Now it is time – in fact, it is past time – to move on. (F-k
all yall, I don’t give an f-k! Peace out!!!)

Q. Did you hear President Clinton was found “Not Guilty”?

A. It’s because Monica swallowed the only evidence.