Category: politicians

What are you called if you are paid to kill president Bush.

A Bush Wacker.

There was a survey filled out by every woman in America, asking
whether they would sleep with Bill Clinton, and here are the
results:

3% said yes
6% said no
91% said not again

George Bush, a hippy, bill Gates, and a priest are on an
airplane. The airplane starts to crash and there’s only 3
parachutes. George Bush said “I’m the president the American
people can’t live without me,” so he grabs a parachute and
jumps. bill Gates said “I’m the smartest richest person in the
world I have to live.” So he grabs a parachute and jumps. It was
down to the priest and the hippy and the priest said “It’s
better to give than to receive take the last parachute,” and the
Hippy said No man, it’s all good… Bill Gates grabbed my back
pack.

George W. Bush, Al Gore, And Ralph Nader were eating dinner
together when they all had to go to the restroom. Upon entering
the restroom the mirror came alive and said, “Each of you is to
make a statement about yourselves. If it is true you will get
whatever use want and if it is false you will be cast into the
pit of eternal torment.”

Ralph Nader went first and said, “I Think I am very
environmentally concerned.” And instantly got a million dollars.

Al Gore went next and said, “I think I think I have had a lot of
experience with a high office,” and got a new car.

George W. went next. He said, “I think…” and was instantly
sucked into the pit.

al gore, monet, and einstein went to heaven. but since there are
so many people trying to sneak into heaven, St. Peter has to
guard the gates of heaven. he sees einstein and asks him “how
can you prove that you are who you say you are?” einstein takes
a piece of chalk and writes his most difficult theories of
reletivity on a chalkboard. St. Peter says “ok, einstein, come
on in.” Monet takes the chalk and draws a beautiful picture of a
sunset. St. Peter says, “ok, Monet, come on in.” he turns to
Gore and says, “well, monet and einstein proved they were who
they said they were. how are you going to prove YOURself?” Gore
puts on a blank, stupid look and says, “who’s einstein, and who
the hell is Monet?” St. Peter says, “ok, Gore, come on in!”

WOW !!! THIS IS SCARY !!!

Can you imagine working for an organization that has a little
more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
*3 have done time for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
*84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It’s the 535 members of the United States Congress – the same
group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter,
so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, “I’m not
very busy today, why don’t you let me show you around?”

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the
offer. St.Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the
reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria
and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, “What’s up with these clocks?”

St. Peter explains, “Everyone on earth has a clock that shows
how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of
time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.” The
guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks
are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, “Every time a living person tells a lie, it
speeds his clock.”

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the
room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the
ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an
unbelievable rate. So he asks, “What’s the story with that
clock?”

“Oh, that,” St. Peter replies, “That’s Bill Clinton’s clock. We
decided to use it as a fan.”

Good evening my fellow Americans.

First, I want to pass on my condolences to the people of New
York and all Americans that are hurting in this tragic time. You
can rest assured that anything and everything that can be done
to assure the safety of our country will be done. This is the
greatest country in the world and we will get through this
trying time. Now is the time for all people to set aside our
petty differences and show the world that no one or nothing can
destroy the fortitude of the American people.

To the people responsible for today’s tragedy, I say this: Are
you fucking kidding me? Are the turbans on your heads wrapped
too tight? Have you gone too long without a bath? Do you not
know who you are fucking with? Americans are so hungry to kill,
that we shoot at each other every day. We will relish that
opportunity for new targets for our aggression. Have you
forgotten history? What happened to the last people that started
fucking around with us? Remember the little yellow bastards over
in Japan? We slapped them all over the Pacific and roasted about
2 million of them in their own back yard. That’s what we in
America call a big ass barbecue. Ever seen Texas on a map? Ever
wonder why it’s so big? Because we wanted it that way, Mexico
started jacking around with the Alamo and now they cut our
lawns. England? We sent them packing.

Ask your buddy Saddam about fucking with the good ‘ole USA. The
only reason he got away the first time is because it’s too hard
to shoot someone when you’re doubled over laughing at them. Our
soldiers aren’t trained to laugh and shoot at the same time. Now
he couldn’t stop a pack of cub scouts from taking over his
shitty little country.

Trust us, Afghanistan will end up a giant kitty litter box. Go
ahead and try to hide, Bin Laden. There’s not a hole deep enough
or a mountain high enough that’s going to keep your camel riding
asses safe. We will bomb every inch of the country that harbors
him, his camps and any place that looks and even smells like he
was there. Hell, we might even drop a few bombs on people that
have pissed us off in the past. This is America. We kick ass.
This is what we do. Go ahead and laugh now, but the Tomahawks
are coming and we will smoke your sorry asses.

God bless America!

Watch me lick Bush!

Not Bush, but Butch!

I sure wish I was up against a woman!

The Candidate you can Anti-Trust!

You must be Waco if you don’t vote for me!

Sometimes the best man for the job is a…. whatever!

Because every Floridian deserves a fair shake!

Protecting You From Illegal Elians!

Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?
She’s withholding evidence.

What does Bill tell Hillary after sex?
Nothing, she hears about it on the evening news!

Did you know Monica has a hearing problem?
All Bill really said was, “hold my calls and sack the cook.”

What’s Monica going to title her memoirs?
“How to suckseed in the Oval Office without really trying!”

Monica wouldn’t have soiled her dress if she would have just
kept her mouth shut.

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
To keep his ankles warm.

Whats the difference between Clinton and a screw driver?
A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns.

Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill?
Because she’s tired of his balls hitting her in the face.

Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica’s appearance.
She’s got the whitest teeth I’ve ever cum across!”

What’s the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote.

What’s Bill’s new pick up line?
Would you be interested in a position under the president?”

What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

From a recent survey…
In a survey of over 500 women, when asked if they would make
love to the president, 83 percent of them responded; “Never
again.”

George Bush was jogging along the beach when he came upon a
Genie’s lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it around, and
lo-and-behold a Genie appeared! George was amazed and startled,
and asked the genie if he got three wishes? “No,” said the genie
“I’m afraid that due to constant down sizing, world stock market
volatility, fierce global competition, deflation and low wages
in Asian countries, I can only grant you but one wish sir. So
please, what will it be?”

George didn’t hesitate. He said, “There is something near and
dear to my heart; I would like to see peace in the Middle East.
Here, see this map? I want all these countries to stop fighting
and make peace among them.”

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Gadzooks, man! These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. The hatred
among them runs deep. Many have tried and failed at what you
ask. I’m good but not THAT good. I just don’t think it can be
done. Please, could you make another wish?”

George thought for a minute, and then said, “Well you know,
people just don’t like my wife Barbara. They think she’s bad
tempered, has a big butt, and pushes me around too much. I wish
for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and have
everybody really like her. OK, that’s what I want.”

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “George, let me see that
map again!”

Letter to Taliban;
Surrender Osama Bin Laden or we we’ll send your women to
college
The United States