Category: politicians

Whats green, fuzzy and smells like Monica Lewinski?

Bill Clinton’s pool table.

One winter day the president is horrified to see “CLINTON SUCKS”
written in yellow in the snow outside the White House. He
demands an immediate lab test and a handwriting analysis. Just
hours later, an aid comes to him. “There’s good news, Sir, and
there’s bad news. The good news is that the lab test is back and
we know whose urine was in the snow…Quayle’s. The bad news is
that the handwritng analysis is also in…Hillary’s.

Hillary Clinton starts to feel ill in the morning, so she goes
to the doctor. The doctor tells her that nothing is wrong with
her, she is just pregnant. She runs to the nearest phone to call
Bill. She says, “Honey, I have some bad news. I’m pregnant.”
Bill then asks, “Who is this again?”

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he
noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white
beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his
arms. He approached the man and asked reverently, “Aren’t you
Moses?”

But the man wouldn’t listen to him and continued walking. George
asked him again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on
little Bush. George grabs the man’s arm, looks him right in the
eye and insists, “Answer me — Aren’t you Moses?”

The man replies, “I’m not saying a thing! The last time I spoke
to a Bush I ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!”

“The Kennebunkport Hillbilly”

(Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies, of course.)

Come and listen to my story ’bout a boy name Bush.

His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.

He drank like a fish while he drove all about.

But that didn’t matter ‘cuz his daddy bailed him out.

DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.

He can’t spell his name but they never let him fail.

He spends all his time hangin’ out with student folk.

And that’s when he learns how to snort a line of coke.

Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.

Well next thing you know there’s a war in Vietnam.

Kin folks say, “George, stay at home with Mom.”

Let the common people get maimed and scarred.

We’ll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.

Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored.

He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.

He said, “Now the White House is the place I wanna be.”

So he called his daddy’s friends and they called the GOP.

Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.

Kin folks said “Jeb, give the boy your state!”

“Don’t let those colored folks get into the polls.”

So they put up barricades so they couldn’t punch their holes.

Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.

Told all the voters “Hey, we want George to win.”

“Stop counting votes!” was their solemn invocation.

And that’s how George finally got his coronation.

Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.

Y’all come vote now. Ya hear?

Paid for by the Katherine Harris Foundation for Corrective
Plastic Surgery.

Bill Clinton went to bed one night and then suddenly woke up to
see George Washington standing there. He asked, “How can I be a
better president?” Washington replied, “Be honest Bill.”

Clinton went back to bed, then he woke again to see Thomas
Jefferson standing there. He asked, “How can I be a better
president?” Jefferson replied, “Be loyal Bill.”

He went back to bed, then woke again to see Abe Lincoln standing
there. He asked, “Abe, how can I be a better president?” Lincoln
relied, “Go to a theater Bill.”

(Abe was killed in a theater)

One day Bush, Bin Laden, and the governor of NY were walking on
the beach when they stumpled upon a genie’s lamp.

They rubbed the lamp and out popped a genie. The genie said, “I
have three wishes and since there are three of you I will give
each of you
a wish.”

The governor of NY said, “I will go first. I want the
twin towers built back just like they were Sept. 10, but I want
them built to modern day standards.” The genie snapped his
fingers and it was done.

Bin Laden yelled out, “I want to go next. I want a wall built
around Afganistan. I want this wall taller than anybody can
fly, deeper than anybody can ever dig, and thicker than anybody
can penitrate.” The genie snapped his fingers and it was done.

Finally Bush says, ” I want to know more about this wall. How
tall is it?” The genie replys, “It is 10 million miles tall.”
Bush then asks, “How thick is it?”To this the genie replys, “It
is a hundred miles thick.” Then Bush says,”I know my wish
FILL THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH FULL OF WATER!!!!”

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the
students if anyone can give him an example of a “TRAGEDY”. One
little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend who lives
next door was playing in the street when a car came along and
killed him, that would be a TRAGEDY.” “No,” Clinton says, “That
would be an ACCIDENT.”

A girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved… that would be a
TRAGEDY.” I’m afraid not,” explains Clinton. “That is what we
would call a GREAT LOSS.” The room is silent; none of the other
children volunteer. “What?” asks Clinton. “Isn’t there any one
here who can give me an example of a TRAGEDY?”

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he
speaks: “If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were
blown up by a bomb, that would be a TRAGEDY.” “Wonderful!”
Clinton beams. “Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be
a TRAGEDY?”

“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an ACCIDENT, and
it certainly would be no GREAT LOSS!”

Three kids were walking down a dirt path in the forest. One of
the kids sees Bill Clinton drowing. The three boys save Bill
Clinton. Bill Clinton is so pleased that they saved his life he
decided to give each one of them a request. The first boy said,
“Chicks, lots of hot chicks.” The second boy said, “Candy, lots
of candy.” And the third boy said, “A coffin next to Grants
tomb.” Bill Clinton asked why he wanted a coffin next to Grant’s
tomb, and the boy said, “When my dad finds out that I saved your
life he is going to kill me.”

George W. Bush and Al Gore went to a fancy resturaunt. The
waitress came and asked what they wanted. George said, “I want a
quickie.” The witress slapped him and walked away. George then
asked Al what he did wrong. Gore told him it that was pronounced
“queshe.”

I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our
government underwent a peaceful transition of power. I was proud
as Mr. Bush took his oath of office.

I was sad as I watched Mr. Clinton board Air Force One for the
final time. It may surprise you that this made me sad, but
watching this part of the days festivities, I saw 21 U.S.
Marines, in full dress, with rifles, fire a 21 gun salute to the
outgoing President.

It was then that I realized how far America’s military had
deteriorated.

Every last one of them missed.

What are they calling the Clinton administration, now that he’s
out of office?

Sex between the Bushes!