Category: politicians

Around the time of Picasso’s death, he meets up Jesus at the
Gates of Heaven. Jesus says, “Before we let you in, you must
prove you are who you are.” Picasso replies “Sure, no problem.”
Picasso, a great artist, paints the most beautiful self-portrait
that Jesus has ever seen. “Come on in, Picasso!” replies Jesus.

Next is Albert Einstein, when he dies he meets up with Jesus at
the gates of heaven and again the same task is asked of him.
Einstein then shows Jesus his prove of the Theory of Relativity.
Jesus agrees that it is indeed Einstein and let’s him in.

Finally, George W. Bush dies and gets up to Jesus. Jesus asks
him, “Please prove you are who you are.” Bush replies, “How
would I do that, I am the president, I am a very powerful man,
or was at least.” Jesus says, “Listen Bush, Picasso painted a
picture and Einstein proved the Theory of Relativity. I am sure
you could do something.” Bush cluelessly replies, “Who the hell
is Picasso and Einstein?” Jesus then says, “George W. Bush come
on in…you have proved yourself worthy!”

Presidents Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush and Clinton were on
a ship that hit a iceberg.
Ford screamed, “What should we do?”
Reagan said, “Ask Nancy.”
Bush screamed, “Man the lifeboats,”
Carter said, “Women and children first!”
Nixon said, “Screw the women and children.”
Clinton asked, “Do you think we have the time?”

President George W. Bush was representing the United States of
America on a highly formal, orchestrated state visit to England.
The President joined Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate
17th-century coach hitched to 6 enormous matched white horses.
The coach proceeded through the streets of London en route to
Buckingham Palace, and the Queen and the President were waving
to the cheering throngs.

Then suddenly the right rear horse produced a thunderous fart
that reverberated through the air and rattled the doors of the
coach, sending a horse-shit stench blowing through the coach.
Uncomfortable, the two powerful figures try to focus their
attentions elsewhere and behave as if nothing extraordinary had
happened.

But the Queen realized that ignoring what had just happened
would be ridiculous. She explained: “Mr. President, please
accept my regrets – I’m sure you understand that there are some
things that even a Queen cannot control.”

George W. replied, “No need to be ashamed, your majesty… it’s
just gas. But I gotta admit, until you confessed, I thought it
was one of the horses!”

6 of th 7 dwarfs are sitting in their house when Doc comes
running in. Doc says, “OH MY GOSH…you guys,i just won us all
free trips to go see the Pope tomorrow.”

So the 7 dwarfs are standing in front of the Pope, pushing Dopey
towards the front saying, “ask him dopey, ask him!” dopey tuggs
on the Pope’s clothes and the Pope looks down. dopey says, “are
there nuns in alaska?”

“of course! why wouldnt there be?!” says the Pope. the dwarfs
whisper to dopey, “ask him the second part. come on, ask him!”
so dopey asks, “are there midgets in alaska?”

“oh, im sure there are.” says the Pope. and the dwarfs say, “ask
him the last part dopey. go ahead, ask him!” the Pope looks at
dopey and says, “what is the last part dopey?”

dopey shyfully says, “are there midget nuns in alaska?” and the
Pope says “HELL NO!”

the rest of the dwarfs chime together…”DOPEY HAD SEX WITH A
PENGUIN! DOPEY HAD SEX WITH A PENGUIN!……”

One day the Pope and the Queen of England were sitting in a
balcony dicussing their power over their people. The Queen tells
the Pope, “With one simple wave of my hand I can make my
followers go crazy.” “Prove it,” says the Pope. The Queen then
stood up, raises her hands in the air, and her beloved followers
yelled, whistled, and clapped until she had lowered her hand.
The Queen then sat back down and looked at the Pope to see what
he had to say.

The Pope sat for a moment deeply contemplating on how he could
top her stunt. He then said to the Queen, with great confidence,
“With a movement of MY hand I can not only make this crowd go
wild, but give them a story so great they will tell their
children, their children’s children, and so on.” “I highly doubt
that,” remarked the Queen. So the Pope stood up, moved over
towards the Queen and slapped her.

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer, just as
President Clinton appeared on TV. After a few sips he looked up
at the TV and mumbled, “He’s a horse’s ass if I’ve ever seen
one!” A customer at the end of the bar, stood up walked over to
him, and knocked him out.

As he was finishing his beer, Hilary Clinton appeared on TV.
“She’s a horse’s ass too!” the man exclaimed. At the other end
of the bar, a customer stood up, walked over to him, and knocked
him off his barstool. “Damn it!”, he said, getting back on his
barstool. “This must be Clinton country.”

“Nope”, the bartender replied. “Horse country”

Did you hear Bill Clinton doesn’t use bookmarks?
He just bends over the pages!

Osama Bin Laden Calls George Bush and Says,

Osama:I’ve got good news and bad news

Bush:Whats the good news?

Osama:I’m Turning myself in!

Bush:and whats the bad news?

Osama:I’m going in an airplane

Bill and Hillary went to the first baseball game of the year in
Baltimore’s new Camden Yards stadium.

The umpire went to the Presidential box seat next to the home
dugout, whispered something to Bill, then walked back to home
plate.

Bill shrugged his shoulders, and then threw Hillary onto the
playing field.

The umpire shook his head, walked back to where Bill was sitting
and said, “No, sir, I asked you to throw out the first PITCH.”

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people
see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going
to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it: the “other
side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat
that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the
other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road.
It’s as plain and simple as that.

KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the
behest of the President of the United States of America in an
effort todistractlaw enforcement officials and the American
public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official
has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just
another pawn in the president’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to
obstruct justice an undermine the rule of law. For that reason,
my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity
provided he cooperates fully with our investigation.
Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the
other side of the road until our investigation and any

Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed.(We
also are investigatingwhetherSid Blumenthal has leaked
information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to
be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the
bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent,hardworking American. Dr. Suses:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not
been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross
roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was
good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable
part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move
beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
chicken. Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken
crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him
down.

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
chicken,”Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the
road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?

My fellow Americans this is President Bill Clinton. I know in
the past I have rewarded those of you who mae generous
contributions to my campaign, and just because I’m back in
office doesn’t mean you should stop writing those checks. The
democratic party needs your money, so:

If you contribute $25,000 you get to have coffee at the white
house.

$50,000 and you get to have lunch with Vice-president Gore and
have your picture taken with me and Hilary.

For $100,000 you can have lunch with Al Gore, take your picture
with me, and poke Hilary with a sharp stick.

For $200,000 you can poke Al Gore with a stick, have dinner with
me, and French-kiss Hilary.

For $300,000 you can beat Al Gore senseless with an aluminum
bat, take a shower with Hilary, and make one prank call to China
on the hotline.

For $500,000 you can kill Al Gore with your bare hands, have
bondage style sex with me or Hilary, and nuke one small town of
your choice as long as it’s not in Arkansas, so get those
checkbooks ready, and I’ll look forward to hearing from you.

At a party, Albert Einstein introduces himself to the first
person he sees and immediately asks, “What is your IQ?” “241,”
the man replies. “Wonderful!” Albert says. “We will talk about
the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe.
We will have much to discuss!”

Albert then introduces himself to a woman nearby, asking, “And
what is your IQ?” The lady answers, “144.” “Great!” says Albert.
“We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much
to discuss!”

Moving around the room, Albert pulls aside another man and asks,
“What is your IQ?” to which the man answers, “51.” Albert lets
go of his arm and takes his hand to shake it, saying, “Hello Mr.
President!”