Category: poems

Ho Ho Fucking Ho
What a crock of shit
We dont work for Santa Claus
We’ve had it up 2 here, we quit!
Cause we do all the fucking work
While he’s just in the show
So stick you Xmas up your ass
Ho Ho Fucking Ho

There once was a girl named Suzy Brown
Who thought no body could lay her down
Over the hill came pissball Pete with forty feet of swinging meat
He took her in the long green grass
Stuck his dick right up her ass
Suzy Brown let go a fart
Blew his balls 40 feet apart
Over the hill came pissball Pete
with 40 feet of shredded meat.

Little Bobby had a drink but he shall drink no more, for what he thought
was H2-O was H2-SO4.

There was a young man,
Who wasn’t a very good climber,
He slipped on a rock,
And cut off his cock,
And now he’s got a vagina.

There was a young lass from Cape Cod
Who wanted a baby from God.
It was not the almighty
who got up her nightie.
It was Roger the lodger, the sod!

I want to be rich when I grow up
With a manly and muscular figure.
I want to grow up to be Arnold,
Arnold Schwarzenneger.

I want to want muscleman movies
For two million dollars a day.
I’ll run through the streets with my shirt off
And blow all the bad guys away.

The evil will tremble with terror
Their knees will go wobbly and weak,
And the bullets they fire at my body
Will bounce off my manly physique.

Even the vilest villain
When launching an all-out attack
Will turn to a quivering coward
When I smile and say “I’ll be back”.

All women will swoon in the presence
Of the world’s most masculine man.
I’ll marry a gorgeous, rich heiress
Perhaps from the Kennedy clan.

And even if my health should falter
My wealth will grow bigger and bigger.
And that’s why I want to be Arnold,
Arnold Schwarzenneger.

Here I sit,
Same as ever,
Took a dump and,
Pulled the lever,
Toilet clogged,
Overflowed,
Watch out world,
It’s the motherload!!!

15> My old bronc, he done went wild,
threw me, and I swear he smiled
as I lay dazed, there in the grass,
plucking cactus from my ass.

14> Two roads diverged in a snowy wood,
and I reckoned I’d mosey down the one less headed-off,
and the way I see it, that made one heckuva difference.

13> I never saw a purple cow,
but one wouldn’t cause a fustle,
‘Twouldn’t matter ’bout its color, see?
It’s jist one more thing to rustle!

12> You say “perambulate.” I say “mosey.”
You say “greetings.” I say “howdy.”
“Perambulate,” “mosey,” “greetings,” “howdy.”
Let’s call the whole thang off.

11> Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
While more discerning men might disagree,
I’ve seen but cows and cowboys since May —
you got boobs and a pulse, you’re fine by me!

10> Denim sky stretched out above me.
O bovine and equine, sweet moos and sweet nays.
How do I love thee? Let me mount the ways.

9> I’m an old cow hand from the Rio Grande.
I’ve driven cattle all over this land.
I don’t have mad cow disease, I tell you true,
Or my name ain’t Quack Quack Whistledy-Moo.

8> I’ve got spurs that jingle jangle jingle,
but you’ll have to pay an extra $20 for that, pardner.

7> Twinkle twinkle, little star,
How you mock me from afar.
‘Neath your radiance, I lament.
Who in blazes stole my tent?

6> I signaled my horse in a code called Morse:
“SOS… SOS… SOS.”
But the danged nag just stood like he was made of wood
‘Cause he can’t read.
“SOS… SOS… SOS.”

5> Listen, my children, and you shall hear
of the windy effects of beans and beer.

4> We rode into town
to dance at the hoedown
when I first met my sweet Linda Sue.
I left my bed with a bound,
for in the morn’ I had found
in the night all them whiskers she’d grew.

3> Jack ‘n’ Jill went up Boot Hill,
’cause Jack, he had a hankerin’.
Tipped his cap, and said, “Gid’yap!”
as he gave her rump a spankerin’.

2> Tiger, tiger, burning bright
in the forest of the night.
How’d you get to cowboy plains
and what is it you’re stalking?
Have you come to feed on me,
or is it the peyote talking?

1> She rides in beauty, like the night,
upon her horse with blanket fleece.
In Rocky Mountain jeans so tight,
and smells of KC Masterpiece.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

These are rude nursery rhymes, songs and remakes of songs the
way they should have been done…

Masturbation Song

You don’t need to use a condom
You don’t need a dental dam
You don’t need to say “I Love You” or “Here’s Fifty
Dollars, Ma’am.”

Don’t need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need’s a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff
‘Cause everybody’s doin’ it, all across the land
Masturbators Of America, Give Yourselves A Hand!

It’s natural, and organic
It’s easy and it’s fun
If you don’t know how to do it ask your parents how it’s done
You don’t need a special license

You don’t need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill
‘Cause everybody’s doin’ it, and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!

(Musical bridge, with lots of suggestive dance moves on the
ROCKER’S part. For instance, he does that one bit where you
jump backwards on one leg while playing air guitar, except that
instead of playing air guitar he’s stroking air wanker.)

You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead
You can rub it with some lotion

You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Shwartzenegger pounds it, Michael Jackson jacks it off
Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America, Give Yourself a Hand

—————————————-

Single Woman’s Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don’t send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.

One good man who’s sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn’t lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn’t smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that’s okay.

Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don’t let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won’t go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He’d probably be just some schmuck.

The single life is not that bad
I know it’s just a passing fad.
I won’t be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won’t comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.

The single life will do just fine.
So what’s up, girlfriend?
IT’S PARTY TIME!!!!

—————————————-

Abraham Lincoln Rhyme

Abraham Lincoln was a good old man. He hopped out the window
with his dick in hand. he said, “Excuse me ladies, just doing my
duty so why not pull down your pants and give me some booty.”

—————————————-

Mary Mary Rhyme

Mary Mary quite contrary shaved her pussy cause it was so damn
hairy.

—————————————-

Row Your Boat Song

Roll, roll, roll your joint twist it at the end, take a puff,
that’s enough and pass it to a friend.

—————————————-

Jack and Jill Went Up The Hill Rhyme

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana, Jack got
high, unzipped his fly, and Jill said “I don’t wanna”

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Stupid Jill
forgot her pill and now they have a son.

—————————————-

I’m A Little Penis Rhyme

I’m a little penis,
Long and hard,
If you want to see it,
Come in my yard,
When I get all horny,
Then I spurt,
Push me in,
And pull me out!

—————————————-

Jack Rhyme

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his little Dick!

—————————————-

Mother Hubbard Rhyme

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cubbard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over,
Rover took over
And the bitch got a bone of her own!

—————————————-

Peter Peter Rhyme

Peter peter pumpkin eater
had a wife loved to beat her
smacked her twice across the head
fucked her ass and went to bed

—————————————-

Mary Had A Little Lamb Rhyme

Mary had a little lamb
she kept it in her back yard
when she took her panties off
his wooly dick got hard

—————————————-

Hickory Dickory Dock

Hickory Dickory Dock
The bitch was suckin my cock
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
And dropped the bitch off at the next block!

—————————————-

Little Boy Blue

Little boy blue,
he needed the money.

—————————————-

Little Bow Peep

Little bow peep fucked a sheep
blew a horse, licked his feet,
she ate his ass so very nice
tongued his balls not once but twice.

—————————————-

Mary Had A Little Lamb Rhyme

Marry had a little lam
it’s fleece was black as coal,
and every time it jump a fence
you could see it’s pink asshole.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to do a little kissing.
Jack made a move, and grabed her boob,
And now his two front teeth are missing.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 60
=————————————–

In the engineering building, in small print low on the wall in the front
of the
stall so you had to lean forward to read it:

You are now shitting at a 45 degree angle.

Sure enough, he was right.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 61
=————————————–

“Here I sat to take a dump.
Out it squirmed, a greasy lump.
Greenish-black, like melting tar
Or oil from an old used car.
It floats a moment, then it sinks.
My chunky cable – how it stinks!
My ass cheeks tremble, my sphincter sighs,
And cramps of exhaustion clench my thighs.
I weep with pride at my slimy shit,
And ROB is the name I give to it!”

– Lord Byron

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 62
=————————————–

In one persons handwriting –
I love Amy M.
In someone elses right below it –
Who hasn’t?

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 63
=————————————–

I stink, therefore I am.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 64
=————————————–

Written on a bathroom wall:
“Question Authority”
and written beneath it:
“Why?”

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 65
=————————————–

A sign I saw at a swimming pool once:

We don’t swim in your toilet,
so please don’t pee in our pool!

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 66
=————————————–

Another sign seen at a swimming pool:

Welcome to our ool.
Notice there’s no P in it.
Please keep it that way.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 67
=————————————–

If you find there is no paper,
Use your finger as a scraper.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 68
=————————————–

Scrawled inside a toilet stall of a college chemistry building:

For a really high time, call CH3-COOH.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 69
=————————————–

here I sit
arms enfolding
my melting body.
I’m wondering of you
as I slowly become one
with the chair that holds me.

Here I Sit
———-
(as I slowly become one / with the chair that holds me)

:1:

Here I sit down, broken-hearted
Trying to push a yet unstarted
Poem into bright creation –
Oh, the pains of constipation!

Hours have passed, I’ve merely parted
Rump cheeks and effetely farted
Those weak blasts of wind excluded
Nothing concrete has extruded!

Other assholes far more shitten
In their time have poems written
Am I such a fucked up nerd
That can’t shit a single turd?

:2:

As I sit disgorging vapour
My pen rests on toilet paper
Spreading ink out from its tip –
Till the fragile sheets will rip,

And create a sphinctral fissure
Which the pen, with lightest pressure,
Will advance through, triumphally
… deepening my melancholy.

Save me lord from poet’s clog!
Spare me this cramped stinky bog!
This unending waiting on
A clammy bum-unfriendly john!

:3:

No! I will not sit and mope!
Yes! I’ll sit, with rumbling hope
To my tum a glow imparting,
Wishing shitting, faintly farting,

Till my muse gets off her butt
And proceeds to squeeze my gut –
Then will plop a finely worded
Poem, goldenly bemerded,

In a blaze of spice (and fury
of the evening’s hot tandoori
chicken …) and in one grand motion
I’ll have spewed my gut-emotion!

:Epilogue:

So I *will* sit, spouting gas
Even if, in hours that pass,
Crap coats brain and blood runs shitten –
I won’t rise till something’s written!

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 70
=————————————–

In the Crown & Anchor Pub Ladies Room (Austin, Texas)

If you can’t trust me with a Choice,
How can you trust me with a Child?

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 71
=————————————–

Seen in a college chemistry building’s men’s room:

Flush twice – this has to go all the way to the cafeteria!

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 72
=————————————–

Sticker attached to electric hand-dryer in public restroom:

Push button for a message from Congress.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 73
=————————————–

Seen in a bathroom at a truck stop near Las Vegas, Nevada:

There used to be a Mexican joke here…but it slid off.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 74
=————————————–

Various graffiti written into the grout:

Alexander the Grout
All creatures grout and small
Down and Grout
Grout Expectations
Grout Expectations
Grout Googly Moogly
Grout balls of fire
Grout dane
Grout expectations
Grout fishing in America
Grout of sight, Grout of mind
Grout scott
Groutful Dead
Saur Grout
Sometimes a Grout Notion
The Grout Divide
The Grout Gatsby
The Grout Groutdoors
Take me grout to the ball game
Three Strikes You’re Grout
Twist and grout

Hearts and roses and kisses galore…

What the hell is all that shit for?

People get mushy and start acting queer

It is definitely the most annoying day of the year

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass

Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid’s ass

I’ll spend the day so drunk I can’t speak

And wear all black for the rest of the week

Guys act all sweet, but it will soon fade

For all they are doing is trying to get laid

The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit

Because I think love is a crock of shit

So here’s my story… what else can I say?

Love bites my ass… Fuck Valentines Day!