Category: poems

Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?

Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?

Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?

Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?

Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?

Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?

Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?

Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?

Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?

Have you done it ‘tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?

Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?

Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?

Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?

Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?

Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?

Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?

Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?

Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?

Have you done it without style?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?

Have you done it on Mother’s couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?

Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?

Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?

Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?

Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?

Answer these and count your “no”s, pray this number never grows;
Fifty questions we asked thee, score times two is your Purity.

There once was a guy from Alcatraz
his balls were made out off brass
instormy weather they cleaned together
and sparks flew out of his ass.

There once was a guy named Lou
he fell a sleep in his canoe
he dreamed of Venis and played with his penis
and woke up with a hand full off goo.

There once was a guy named Dave
he lived with a dead whore in a cave
she was missing a tit and smelled like shit
but think all of the money he saved.

Here I sit watching the tube,
But all I can think about is the girl w/ big boobs,
She came over and laid on my bed,
And what do you know? she gave me some head,
She pulled down my pants and marvled at the size,
So then I stuck it in-between her thighs,
Back and forth, up and down,
Thats when my gizz almost made her drown,
Louder and louder she began to shriek,
Thats when I knew she was hitting her peak,
After that we began to rest,
So I stuck my head in her breasts,
As I got up she began to say,
Lets do it again but this time my way!

Roses are Red
Violets are Corny
When I think of you
Ooo, Baby I get Horny

Eat Me, Beat Me,
Bite Me, Suck Me,
Fuck Me, Blow Me,
Very slowly

If you Kiss me
Don’t be Hasty
Use your Tongue
And make it Tasty

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my waterspout

Time was when of its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I’ve got a full time job
To find the blasted thing

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave

As my old age now approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes

There once was a man from Peru,
Who fell asleep in a canoe,
He dreamed that Venus,
Was stroking his penis,
And awoke in a canoe full of goo!

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

LITTLE MISS MUFFET sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered & torn.
It wasn’t the spider that crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue & his horn.

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
“What have you got there?”
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
“Pies, you idiot!”

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding & Pie,
Kissed the girls & made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad……..
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, & a sports car.

Little pigeon in the sky,
Dropping things from way up high.
Angry farmer wipes his eye,
Very glad that cows don’t fly.

Banish the use of those four-letter words

Whose meanings are never obscure.

The Angles and Saxons, those bawdy old birds,

Were vulgar, obscene, and impure.

But cherish the use of the weak-kneed phrase

That never quite says what you mean;

Far better you stick to your hypocrite ways

Than be vulgar, or coarse, or obscene.

When Nature is calling, plain speaking is out,

When ladies, God bless ’em, are milling about,

You make water, wee-wee, or empty the glass;

You can powder your nose; “Excuse me” may pass;

Shake the dew off the lily; see a man ’bout a dog;

Or when everyone’s soused, it’s condensing the fog,

But be pleased to consider and remember just this –

That only in Shakespeare do characters piss!

You may speak of a movement, or sit on a seat,

Have a passage, or stool, or simply excrete;

Or say to the others, “I’m going out back,”

Then groan in pure joy in that smelly old shack.

You can go lay a cable, or do number two,

Or sit on the toidy and make a do-do,

But ladies and men who are socially fit

Under no provocation will go take a shit!

When your dinners are hearty with onions and beans,

With garlic and claret and bacon and greens;

Your bowels get so busy distilling a gas

That Nature insists you permit it to pass.

You are very polite, and you try to exhale

Without noise or odour – you frequently fail –

Expecting a zephyr, you carefully start,

But even a deaf one would call it a fart!

A woman has bosoms, a bust or a breast.

Those lily-white swellings that bulge ‘neath her vest;

They are towers of ivory, sheaves of new wheat;

In a moment of passion, ripe apples to eat.

You may speak of her nipples as small rings of fire

With hardly a question of raising her ire;

But by Rabelais’s beard, she’ll throw fifteen fits

If you speak of them roundly as good honest tits!

It’s a cavern of joy you are thinking of now,

A warm, tender field just awaiting the plough

It’s a quivering pigeon caressing your hand,

Or that sweet little pussy that makes a man stand.

Or perhaps it’s a flower, a grotto, a well,

The hope of the world, or a velvety hell.

But, friend, heed this warning, beware the affront

Of aping a Saxon: don’t call it a cunt!

Though a lady repel your advance, she’ll be kind

Just as long as you intimate what’s on your mind.

You may tell her you’re hungry, you need to be swung,

You may ask her to see how your etchings are hung.

You may mention the ashes that need to be hauled;

Put the lid on her sauce-pan, but don’t be to bold;

For the moment you’re forthright, get ready to duck –

The girl isn’t born yet who’ll stand for “Let’s fuck!”

Banish the use of those four-letter words

Whose meanings are never obscure.

The Angles and Saxons, those bawdy old birds,

Were vulgar, obscene, and impure.

But cherish the use of the weak-kneed phrase

That never quite says what you mean;

Far better you stick to your hypocrite ways

Than be vulgar, or coarse, or obscene.

Once a pure whit virgin lived by the sea,
She frolicked over pastrol fields her name Virginity.
A sweet young thing of just sixteen,
A rosebud ripe and firm.
She wandered over the verdent hills
Not knowing of the sperm.

Well, Fuck the Giant Penis lived not far away,
His cock was damn near two feet long, he poked one twice a day.
He was an Ivy leager, with vest and pinstripped shirt,
He drove a roadster XKE, that sexed up extrovert.

One day while he was roaming around the rural strips,
He spied her picking flowers there,
That bitch with swinging hips.
He jumped out of the driver’s seat and grabbed her by her ass,
He tore off all her clothing and laid her in the grass.

Her maidenhead was busted, the ground ran bloody red,
He poked her til the twilight came, than took her home to bed.
He poked her til the sun rose, she begged for more and more,
He turned that pure white Virgin into a scanky whore!

On the toilet I sit
I’m taking a shit
my cheeks are parted
and I just farted
that log just fell
and it’s starting to smell
I will be full of resent
If I don’t turn on the vent
as I grab for the paper
I am hit by the vapor
Take a look it’s dark and brown
push the lever watch it go
Round and Round

Sugar and spice makes everything nice.
So give me some sugar,
And don’t make me ask twice.