Category: poems

Abraham Lincoln was a good old man
jumped out the window with his dick in his hand
said excuse me ladies, I am just doing my duty
so pull off your pants and give me some bootie.

My name is chico,
from peurto rico,
I make $5 a day.
I give it to Lusy,
She give me some pussy,
She take my $5 away!

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.
Suddenly Jack unzippd his fly and Jill said I don’t wanna.

Some ships are silver some ships are gold but the best ships are
friendships that never grow old!

Trains go fast,
Airplanes fly,
My love for you will never die.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally
they

got

married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called ‘Yam’.
Of

course,

they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her
about

the

facts

of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she

wouldn’t

get

accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot
Potato’,

and

end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and
make a

rotten

potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home
and

become

a

Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as
not to be

skinny

like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to
watch out

for

the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from
France

called

the

French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the
Indians

so

she

wouldn’t get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t

associate

with those high class Yukon Golds. Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam
to

Idaho

P.U.

(that’s Potato University) so that when she graduated she’d
really be

in

the

Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and

announced

she

was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato
were

very

upset. They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw
because

he’s

just

a…

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

OK! Here it is!

Common Tater

King Kong the monkeyman hanging from a rubberband he trips he falls he’s
hanging from his balls they rip they tear he doesn’t give a care.

Old mother Huboard
went to the cupboard
to get her doggy a bone
when she bent over
over came Rover
and gave her
a bone of his own.

T’was the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of “Thanks Santa” – what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money – The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes – if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days – they all are the pits
They want the impossible …Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s – No request for them
They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!

If you think that’s bad…just picture this
Try holding those brats…with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose – they grab at my beard
And if I don’t smile..the parents think I’m weird

Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job…there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There’s no Christmas this year…now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I’m going SOUTH for the season!!