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Un d�a la maestra pidi� a sus alumnos que dieran ejemplos de cosas que no fuera conveniente poner en la boca.
Pepito dijo, “No es bueno ponerse un foco encendido en la boca.”
La maestra dijo, “Eso es correcto, pero �por qu�?”
Pepito respondi�, “No s� maestra, pero mi mam� siempre le dice a mi pap�: apaga la luz antes de met�rmela en la boca…”
Two old guys, like 80 yrs. old, went to a whore house and told the woman at the door that they wanted the two most beautiful whores.
The woman was like, they’re old, what are they gonna know. So she sticks them in the two darkest rooms with blow-up dolls.
After they were done, they were walking out of the whore house and old guy #1 says to old guy #2, “How was your whore?”
#2 said “She was horrible. She just laid there like she was dead. Well, how was your whore?”
#1 goes “She was a witch.” #2 responds “What do you mean a witch?”
#1 says “I bit her tit and she flew out the window!”
There’s a little boy named Timmy. One night, his mother told him to take a bath. Timmy said,”No! I don’t wanna!” But his mother says,”Yes, you have to.” So Timmy says,”Well if I take a bath, will you take one with me?” The mother says,”Well, O.K., but whatever you do, don’t look up or down.” Timmy says,”O.K., I won’t.” So when Timmy and his mom are in the bathtub, Timmy accidentally looks down and says,”What’s that Mommy?” She says,”Well Timmy, that’s my apple.” Timmy says,”Ohhhhh, O.K.” Then Timmy looks up and says,”What’s that Mommy?” She replies,”Well Timmy, those are my cookies.” Timmy says,”Ohhhhh, O.K.” Then after their bath, they go to there bedrooms and go to sleep. The next night, Timmy is told to take a bath again, but this time by his father. His father tells him,”Time to take a bath Timmy.” Timmy says,”No, I don’t want to.” His father says,”Well you have to.” Timmy says,”Well if I take a bath, will you take one with me?” His father says,”Well O.K., but don’t look down!” Timmy says,”O.K., I won’t.” Then while they’re in the bathtub, Timmy accidentally looks down and says,”What’s that Daddy?” His father says,”Well Timmy, that’s my worm.” Timmy says,”Ohhhhh, O.K.” Later that night, a storm hits and Timmy runs into his parents bedroom, flips on the light, and says,”Mommy! Mommy! Daddy’s eating your cookies and has his worm in your apple!”
The Worst Journey in the World
by Helen Back
What do you call an Amish man on the side of the road, with his hand up a
horse’s ass?
A mechanic.
Overused plot lines: Post-cataclysmic rag-tag armies struggle to kick the Rooskies out of the good ol’ US of A. Post-cataclysmic rag-tag armies struggle to survive against gangs of bandits, mutants, cyberpunks, bikers, etc. The rag-tag rebel army/fleet struggles valiantly to overthrow the Evil Empire. The Good Guys travel through time to stop a historical Bad Guy, usually Hitler. The Bad Guy travels through time to kill the Hero in his childhood, or prevent him from ever being born. The Chronocops travel in time to catch a Bad Guy who escaped into some other era. Scientists work feverishly to develop a cure for the Supervirus or a weapon to stop the Invincible Bad Guys. An alien: Is stranded on earth; Befriends a human child or falls in love with an earth gal; Is pursued by shadowy malevolent Pentagon officials under the pretense of national security; Uses alien powers to defeat the shadowy malevolent Pentagon officials, making them look foolish without really harming them; Makes teary farewell and returns to home planet. A virtual reality program is activated, and the distinction between reality and the program becomes confused or indistinguishable. People connect their brains directly to computers and get dependent on them. Aliens travel a zillion miles to loot the earth of resources which exist in far greater and much more easily recoverable quantities on the many uninhabited bodies they pass on the way to earth. A complex computer system spontaneously becomes self-aware. A couple files an application to the government for permission to conceive a baby. A human falls in love with a robot. A robot falls in love with a human. UFO abductions. Brain-controlling parasites attempt to wrest control of human race. Aliens put someone on trial for the sins of humanity. A high-tech amusement park goes lethally berserk. Death from old age turns out to be due to some simple, single cause, leading to an easy immortality treatment, with consequent catastrophic social implications. A great hunter decides that humans are the most entertaining prey of all, and visits Earth to bag a few. Psychedelic drugs give somebody magical power over space, time and reality. Aliens with completely incomprehensible motivations make war on the human race/invade earth. The bureaucratic/reactionary mindset stands in the way of scientific progress, but is overcome by the researcher through ability, purity of heart, and use of the scientific method. Two hostile factions colonize a planet within walking distance of each other. The government ships criminals off to other planets. A crass sexist male becomes pregnant. An android discovers emotions and goes beserk. A young researcher: Gets a job at a Mega-huge Corporation or Ultra-secret Government Agency; Learns that the employer’s latest discovery has a Nasty Side Effect or involves some obvious human rights abuses, but the employer is moving ahead with it anyway; Confronts the employer, who casually dismisses the researcher’s concerns and chides her/him for not being a “team player”; Tries to blow the whistle to avert disaster; Gets hounded by Shadowy Malevolent Goons; Goes to meet with inside sources, and finds them either dead or with just enough life left to utter a cryptic clue; Watches the disaster overtake the CEO; Testifies before Congress and enters the Witness Protection Program. Aliens invade earth in order to eat humans. An AI turns on its creators. A person from the past goes into suspended animation and wakes up in modern times, or a person from modern times goes into suspended animation and wakes up in the future. A person travels back in time to meet a major historical personage and winds up either becoming that person or taking that person’s place at a critical juncture. The rightful monarch or long-lost heir is restored to the throne. A sexually selective plague kills off or sterilizes almost all of the men, or almost all of the women. A human discovers that the human race is being controlled by aliens. The alien invasion that flounders because their technological advantage is perfectly neutralized by their lack of resources, compared to the humans. Earth is threatened by an asteroid, and a space mission is mounted to save the planet. Humans are seen as a menace to galactic society, having developed technology over a few short centuries compared with the thousands it took the other races. The government bans music, painting, dancing, or some other art form; only the hero seems to care enough to do anything about it. A technological innovation prompts a large portion of society to violently suppress it. “Single female monster ISO single human male. Object: Mating.” An entire society is run by a computer.
There were these three guys at a football game and it just so happened that they were sitting behind three nuns. They couldn’t see really well over their habits, so one of the guys says, “Man, I wish I lived in Ohio, there’s only 25 Catholics there.” One of the other guys says, “Well, I wish I lived in Idaho because there is only 20 Catholics there.” Then the last guy says, “Well, I wish I lived in Oregon there are only 15 Catholics there. Then one of the nuns turns around and says, “Why dont you go to hell — there are no Catholics there!”
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself.
The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff “miss” him.
Most people are writing standard phrases like, “Without you, the company will never be the same,”
“We will always remember you,” etc.
Obviously the boss was not satisfied.
“I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staffmember. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?”
Slowly but firmly, John wrote, “THE BEST NEWS IN 20 YEARS.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.”For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?”The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.””Allah Ka Zam!” said the genie.”You’re a housewife!”
Once there was a preacher’s wife who went into a bakery and asked the butcher waht the daily special was. He said it was the “damn ham.”
She immediatly started yelling at the top of her lungs.
“HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT I’M THE PREACHER’S WIFE!”
The butcher was totally taken back by this while he wimpered, “Oh, no ma’am it’s called the ‘damn ham.'” She bought one of the hams.
Later that day when the preacher got home he smelled the ham cooking and asked his wife what it was. She replied that it was the “damn ham.” He also immediatly started yelling at the top of his lungs.
“HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT I’M THE PREACHER!”
She was also taken back by this and wimpered that it was the “damn ham.”
At dinner that night they were eating dinner with their kids and they, too, asked what this delicoius meal was. Their father (the preacher) said that it was the “damn ham.”
Their son was quite happy with this. In fact he said, “That’s the spirit, Dad, now pass the fucking potatoes.”
An old man goes into the confessional and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them twice.”
The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody.”